z

Young Writers Society



Freeway

by Talking_Pinata


Note: This is a story about when my cat died. I was very young and didn't really understand enough to care. On the other hand, my sister cared very much for the cat. She scolded me for my indifference.

------

She shames me,
For laughing,
While his breath grows shorter.

I didn’t know any better.
There’s no shame in innocence.
Is there?

No.
After all,
Jesus love me.
This I know.
For the Bible tells me so.

I wonder if that’d work if,
I sang it now.
If I sang it willingly then,
I wonder if it’d bring innocence and forgiveness.

He utters a cry.
I wish I could take him out of that box.
I tap on the glass and whisper words of get well.

Fiesta!
Why didn’t I care?!
I want to care!
Toothpicks prick fingers
And tiny eyes leak water.

He died today.
June 28th.
I didn’t get to see it,
But that’s alright,

I didn’t care.

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19 Reviews

Points: 890
Reviews: 19

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Wed May 14, 2008 10:43 pm
nilou-and-amani wrote a review...



At first, i didn't understand your poem, but then it mad sense when i read the top part. Your ideas are good, but you didn't convey them strongly. Read it to yourself, it's kind of messy and confusing,
It would be much stronger if you write it from your on point of view.

Also, make it clear for the audience that it's about your cat. Like for instance this line,

He died today.

could be like " My cat died today"

Another thing i don't understand is the "i didn't care".
you make it sound she care alot and then you say "i didn't care"

This would ork more if it as from your own point of view.

I hope this helped, pm me if you ever need anything.

Nilou




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89 Reviews

Points: 890
Reviews: 89

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Tue May 13, 2008 11:21 am
Talking_Pinata says...



Thankyou for the review! Means alot that you did so!




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Points: 1823
Reviews: 665

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Tue May 13, 2008 6:52 am
deleted6 wrote a review...



If you have to tell us what the poem about it means it's not strong enough to stand on it's own without the help. Maybe fix that, because if I hadn't read the top bit, sure as hell be very confused. It's very navelly gazy. Which makes this appear weak, since you use yourself as the narrator, you can write about youself without navelgazing. Some of the rhyming seems irritating.

Overall:If you need to us what this is about, then 'Houston we have a problem.' Maybe make it much clearer. Hope this helps.

Good luck
VSN





fun fact i hear my evil twin once wrote a story about a hacker who used the name fyshi33k bc there are 33k-ish species of fish and she liked phishing so fyshi-33k made sense but then she got super embarrassed when someone forced her to explain
— VyperShadow