Published March 21, 2008
Awe enveloped her. She stared up into the bright, caring face.
“Are you really my guardian angel?” she asked innocently.
“Yes,” he replied bluntly.
“So you’re going to protect me and take care of me?” she continued.
“Yes, you have to name me too.”
“Name you?” She asked confusedly
“Yes.”
She thought deeply about what his name should be. She looked up at his beautiful face; he had such a kind face. His baggy t shirt and jeans differed greatly from his proud and protective pose, his dark hair, shining eyes, and great unfurled wings.
The girl continued thinking, as only a five year old could. She delved into the complex workings of innocence and ignorance. She came up with one word. “Cabbage, your name will be Cabbage.”
A light laugh escaped his throat. This was definitely the strangest of all the names he’d ever been given. With an array of names such as Bob, Fred, Behgumfreh, and Angely; Cabbage was the one that would stand out in his mind for the rest of eternity. “Cabbage it is then.”
She smiled faintly, and suddenly turned around, assuming Cabbage would follow. He did. She plopped down into her seat at the kitchen table and picked up the periwinkle crayon she had laid down. Cabbage had a seat as well and watched.
“Color with me!” she cried suddenly, wanting her new friend to join her. Cabbage looked at her with mild surprise. Gently picking up a blue crayon, Cabbage began drawing on a clean sheet of paper. This is the first time a child had taken to him without any fear at all; he felt a new love and respect for this child, the child that would be his job to protect for several years to come. A dim smile alit on his face as he drew. He drew mountains, trees, stars, and children- the only kind of companionship he’d ever known. Tears silently slid down his face as the child hummed a simple tuneless melody and drew stick figures. He laid his head down on the table in his arms and cried quietly.
The girl looked up, “Cabbage? Cabbage what’s wrong? Don’t cry!” she squealed, worried.
Cabbage sat up, smiled, and lied, “I’m crying because I’m happy you’re my new friend.” In truth, he thought of the life ahead of her. Even he did not know what to expect, so vibrant and new. He picked up the stub of a blue crayon and drew a heart. He gave her the picture; she taped it to her wall; the stars and mountains and children always dancing forever around the heart. The picture stayed on her wall for many years.
_________________________________________________________________
Cabbage had always been there; he’d never left her or betrayed her. He had been the one to hold her bicycle up when her parents let go of the seat. She knew he was there too, she always did. He had been there when she got her first kiss; he’d watched from the back of the movie theatre.
She knew she was never alone, and she smiled when she was caught talking to herself, because she really wasn’t; she was always talking to Cabbage.
Cabbage smiled too. He smiled for her wonderful life, he smiled for the safety and love she had, and he smiled when she smiled.
The years passed.
_________________________________________________________________
She was eighteen now, eight more years than Cabbage had ever stayed with anyone. Tears stained her face and her eye makeup smudged every time she tried to wipe them away.
“Do you really have to leave? I thought you were supposed to protect me forever,” she sniffled. He looked deep into her eyes, trying to find some part of her that would understand. Cabbage held her comfortingly by the elbows.
“Adults fend for themselves. Your innocence was so beautiful, it stayed with you for so long, but the adult world has no guardians. Or angels,” he spoke softly, an apologizing tone stood out.
“I’ll miss you.”
He nodded and wiped away tears of his own. “I wish I could stay too; I didn’t think angels could love, but I was wrong, I love you.
He kissed her. It was the kiss of a lover, and of a friend. It was the kiss of a family member and the kiss of someone who wanted everything to be alright.
She stepped back and nodded. “I love you too,” she whispered, “Cabbage”
He smiled. “No one will ever name me again, for I have been named Cabbage. “
_________________________________________________________________
On and on the children danced on the mountain shaded by trees. They danced beneath the stars. They danced for love and innocence. They danced for Cabbage.
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139,527 Literary Works • 672,599 Reviews
^_^ Well it looks like I was beat to critique, but since I said I would read it and since it was short (I do so love works that are reasonable in length. *says the one who posted 12 pages in a single post* =P).
The good
The first line had me thinking 'Darn. Why didn't I think of that?' It's sweet and cute and I liked it. Very good!
The bad
Well it's not bad, just how you could improve. It is short, which makes it nice, but maybe you could add a little more description, instead of glossing over so much. I dunno. Maybe sort of patch together a bunch of memorable scenes from her life so we can see how their bond grew. =P Maybe that's just me, I tend to want more of something I liked.
Anyways, this is quite good work and a nice idea. Though I don't see the link with the prologue. Maybe I missed it. Keep it up!
^_^ Keek!
Ah! Thankyou for the praise! *bows to you* Thankyou thankyou THANKYOU!
Ah. But the ignorant adults don't have angels! Cabbage knew he had to leave, for the children needed him more *tear*
Brilliant in every meaning of the word. I was completely captivated by the well developed characters (for such a short story) and the plot within itself. It was very nice.
.
I think we need more stories like this.
Also, on a personal note, I don't exactly agree with the fact that adults have no guardians. I think they are just taking a short vacation
Thankyou that is a great tip for me! I'll use it to my advantage and look back over it!
Hello again, Pinata.
As always, a largely stylistic critique--if something I have written does not ring true, as the writer you have every right to disregard it.
The beginning of your story is strong--it at once captures the scene, showing the innocence of your character and her childish nature with the naming of "Cabbage."
To be perfectly honest, the only real pick I have is the middle portion of the piece-- I believe you could lengthen it by adding more significant events in her life to the mix... show that he is indeed her guardian, and not merely a spectator.
The whole piece seems rather rushed, upon a second look. If possible, you could expand each scene by adding details of setting and time period, as well as a description of what has changed for her in each time period. The final portion especially could use this, for it seems almost unrelated to the rest of the piece.
Well done!
--ME
Thankyou everyone for your reviews!
This reminds me of a story I wrote myself. Believe it or not, they're very similar. It was the first thing I put up here, I think.
I really enjoyed this. It was a joy to read. I love the idea of her calling him Cabbage, and the fact that he has to leave because there isn't enough innocence left. I really loved it. Well done!
Hehe Cabbage is a cute name! This was really sweet. I love it and there isn't that much to fix. Hehe.. Cabbage...
This was so sweet! I am truly impressed. This is one of the best stories I've read in a while. The only grammatical thing that stood out was "She was eighteen now." It would be either “She is eighteen now” or “She was eighteen when Cabbage left,” or something along those lines.
Thank you for posting this touching piece!
Thankyou for all the reviews everyone!
That was sweet.
I liked it very much.
There isn't much to fix.
By the way, cute name. I like the name Cabbage. Maybe I'll name my next dog that.
Thankyou! I will definitely consider your review helpful! Thakyou for the nitpicks I need to change!
I. Nitpicks
I'm not so hot in the grammar department but I don't think the "semi-colon" after Angely is needed. Oh, and Begumfreh! Yayness!
Alit isn't a proper word but I don't think"lit" works that well either...hmm...
I think you should use hyphens instead of a semi-colon.
Two things you can do there. You can say "looked deeply" or use a word like "peered" or something that implies, um, deep looking. xD
Another thing...I read this twice (once on the forum and then in the quote box) and on the forum I swear you said "talken" somewhere when it should be "talked", but I couldn't find it again...
II. Adverbs
You use adverbs a lot in here. Not that it's a bad thing, but it's just a little odd. You should read it aloud to see how your adverbs sound to make sure it doesn't stunt the flow of your work.
III. The "Aww-factor"
Aww...this is such a cute story. I couldn't help but say "aww" after almost every paragraph. It was just irresistably cute. You just want to wrap it up in a blanket and put it to bed and sing songs to it. xD Aww...so cute.
IV. Overall Impression
I liked the plot, it was so sweet....and Cabbage is such a cute name. Haha...I like it. The girl was also really sweet, too. It was just like...aww....
Hmm...I wonder how many times I said "aww..." in this review.
So, yep, yep, I agree with everyone else. A good read that makes you happy. =D
Thankyou for the comments and opinions! I'll take everything into consideration!
*much love to my readers*
I agree with Firestar.
One of the most touching stories I have read in a long time. You flushed out the character of a supposed all-powerful angel, and showed even they could be human.
I almost cried, but if I did I would have to turn in my man card.
I did not see any spelling issues, there were some areas where your paragraphs dragged on forever. And you really, in my opinion kinda rushed it. But great work anyway.
Really sweet. *sniff sniff* Not much to fix here, just a few rough spots here and there but that's it.