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125,016 Literary Works • 672,851 Reviews
Hi there TakeThatYouFiend! Niteowl here to review for the Wicked Squids
and to get my red star finally...Overall, I must say you are a really talented lyricist. The rhythm is dead-on and the rhyme works really well. Just a couple quibbles:
I read this the same way as BitterRosemary, which makes me wonder if the line itself needs tweaking. It might be clearer in song form, but I'm envisioning this being sung really fast (for some reason, I could hear this in like a square dance). When I read it the correct way, it's quite a tongue twister, but when I read it as "a life, a little love, a little guy", the rhythm seems much smoother (even if it makes no sense). I wish I had a suggestion, but unfortunately I don't.
Is "sky" supposed to be "she"? Also, I think the singular of shower makes more sense, even if it's not a perfect rhyme.
My main critique would be it feels like there's something missing, like a little more narrative. This might be my personal bias (my own lyrics tend to be pretty narrative), but I think it would be interesting to explore this girl a little more. Why is she looking so hard? Did she ever think she found someone, only to have her heart broken? This could be in addition to the verses you have already.
Overall, this is really good. Keep writing!
Is this a Love song? Im just curious because it's really pretty and I like it
This is about someone wanting someone to love them back. Its beautifuly written and I hope others enjoy it as much as I have *gives you a cookie* Eat a cookie and relax I love it and im sure others will too 
~Sam
from the very first line, i just knew i was going to like this ^.^ i KNEW.
stealtheworld/dark is back for a review. i'm a bit rusty (okay, a whole lot) so forgive me if my imput is just...all over the place. and ACTION!
first things first: nitpicks and minor errors. in your first stanza, i believe "hill" should be "hills," although "hill and valleys" doesn't sound as wrong as it should with the way this was written. punctuation--WOW that's a lot of commas. but i don't mind much because again, this didn't seem like the type of prettied up poem that relies on attractiveness. it's more rhythmic, which i love.
speaking of rhythm...i think you chose the perfect one for this piece. it complimented the content so well and left no room for boredom.
which brings me to my next comment: i had so much fun reading this!! a rare occurance, but a very pleasant one nonetheless. i absolutely adored the way you worded everything. more specifically, the part that goes "looking, looking, the endless search" all the way up to the needle in a haystack reference. wow. beautiful.
reading through it again, i focused more on the escalation of the poem. your main character went from simply looking to being brought down a bit to being dragged so low that she was "chokin'" and "broken" and ugh. i just really love the way you utilize you words and throw them out there like a pro. amazing wordsmith? i think so.
finally, you delivered this fabulously. looking foreward to much, much more from you ^.^ have a beautiful day and keep writing!!!
Hey! Bitter here for a review. It's the first review I've done in awhile, so let's get started.
Damn, I like this. At first I didn't like it, and I still don't like the shilly-shally dilly-dally thing, but it's still good. I like the message it sends. my favorite lines are :
"Looking, looking, the endless search,
A needle in a haystack only ten times worse,
Scour the sea below and sky above
'Cause she's looking for a guy just to give a little love."
This section is elegant and the words are beautifully placed. However, I do have some issues with other parts of the lyrics, such as:
"'Cause she's looking for a live a little love a little guy."
1) live? do you mean life?
2) should be comma between "life" and "a little love", and an "and" between "a little love" and "little guy", just to make it grammatically sound.
3) "a little guy". I have an issue with the way this sounds and implies. Sure, it flows with the alliteration of the poem and maybe sounds pretty. But it makes no sense. Is she looking for a guy who's small in size (little)? is she looking for just a little bit of love from one guy? Is she looking for love from a boy named guy? I can barely interpret the meaning of this lyric. If what you meant to say is that she's just looking for a little bit of love from a guy, perhaps because she's lonely or sad (how I interpreted it personally), I suggest you change it to "'Cause she's looking for a life, a little love, from a guy" or "a little love, from anyone". Just my personal opinion.
Also, "Fearful, tearful, always hating, never breaking,
chokin', broken, heart is numbing 'cause she's running,"
in the first line here, you say "always hating, never breaking", which is a good line, but in the very next lyric you say "chokin', broken." This is a self- contradiction. Is she broken or not?
Again, just some of my personal opinion, use them or not. overall I did like this poem alot though, especially the line about how it's 10x worse than a needle in a haystack. Really drives home the point that this search is excruciating, and killing her slowly. Good job, my friend. Keep on writing!
~BitterRosemary
I'll deal with some of them once I get on a computer, but to clarify the meaning of that line, "'Vause she's looking for a - live a little - love a little - guy."
ahhh that makes more sense
i just read it wrong then 
ahhh that makes more sense
i just read it wrong then 