Published August 25, 2014
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139,521 Literary Works • 672,595 Reviews
Oh My Extremely Lovely Eucalyptus Trees (OMELET, my way of saying OMG), That was so awesome!! I thought he would buy a top hat. Habla Espanol???
Hello, my good sir, considering you've requested this review... -straightens sombrero-
First off, I'd like to say that I enjoy the way you've structured this poem - I like your rhyme scheme and your meter. They make sense once the reader gets into them, and there's a very limerick-like lilt to the lines, to the point where the reader is going to be talking in rhythm for a while if they read it out loud. You have a masterful display of what syllable patterns to use, however. I do feel like some of your rhymes are very forced, and some of the words could be changed - or some of the lines could be changed to accommodate the awkward words.
I enjoy your repetition of words and phrases ("the man waited expectantly/with an expectant look on his face"), as odd as it may sound, because it gives a bit of emphasis while reiterating the idea that this is not a serious poem.
Some of your grammar is a little off - "atop of his head" should either be "on top of" or "atop his"; it might not necessarily be wrong, per se, but it's definitely not a phrase you see commonly, and a reader is going to assume it's wrong, especially since it does sound a little strange.
Overall, I did find myself enjoying this poem - your imagery is striking, especially for a sillier poem, and I really do like the characters you've used. Looking forward to reading more, possibly in this vein, possibly in a more serious one. Keep writing!
Hey, TakeThatYouFiend, nice to see a work of yours. Let's dive into this highly-frosted-overly-sweet cupcake.
This is a very common, very unnecessary nitpick. I think you might want to leave your poem just the way it is, but of you take my suggestions, don't ever say I didn't warn you of my small, petite brain. Don't capitalize every line. It really bugs me out how people do that. They think it is unnecessary. Well, I do it myself, occasionally, but not very much. So ya. It doesn't count, TakeThat. In the first paragraph, you also forgot to put a quotation mark at the end. Please take notion of that, my friend/fiend.
The second paragraph. I don't know if this is intentional, but I see repetition of "expectant", something I do not love nor like. Fix it if it isn't purposeful, and leave it if it is. It's really simple, TakeThat. The third paragraph also needs a quotation mark at the end, and "of", the one in the fourth line, should be "or". I think. That is just my thoughts, not yours. Fourth paragraph, you say "this hat is designed for a lady". If I remember correctly, the hatter says lots and lots of different hats. "This" is a single term. "These" is what you're looking for.
Again, fourth paragraph. Please put a comma after "boater". I apologize, my intentions are the best for you; I am very big on the small punctuation errors. Let's just say my eyes are drawn to them like metal to a magnet. Fifth paragraph, moving on. Why is the hatter pale, when the customer asks for a man's hat? Me as a hatter would just swiftly get a hat and offer this man a manly hat. It's simple. The sixth and seventh paragraph don't fit together. Why would the shopkeeper only have one sombrero, out of 100,000 different types of women's hats? And in the sixth paragraph, the hatter talks about the price a little and how it's high, and then in the seventh paragraph the man runs out of the store with the sombrero.
Overall, besides the little things, this was a funny, Shel Silverstein type of poem. I think that you are a good poem writer, so keep wearing hats! Your little avvie wants you to, too. Just look at him.
-wisegirl22
I really needed this today, such a cute and innocent poem. And being one who enjoys hats I also enjoyed the theme.
Grammar was ok, some new words that I'd never heard of that might've been made up but otherwise good.
Keep up the good work, you've got a gift of comedy so use it for good (or evil, whatever floats your boat to success and happiness)
This poem reminds me of something Shel Silverstien would conjure up for us in one of his marvelous poetry books. Which leads me to believe that you may indeed have more magnificent poems such as this. I hope you find luck in the writer career path! (if that's what you wish to pursue.)
I would definitely recommend this poem to any parent. Not only to read to their child, but also for the wonderful nostalgic feeling that comes along with each stanza. I do sudgest that you read through your work a few times before posting.
Now, I need to type more for a good review...
so... you a fan of Shel? or Suess? The Doctor? The doctor likes his hat. And bananas. You should write a poem about bananas! um... anyways.
i love this poem. Good luck to you!
Ok, bananas. Shel and Suess are awesome (5000 fingers of dr T Particularly) as are Dahl and Milligan.
Hallo, Fiendy! Pompadour here to review as requested~
Well, this was certainly an enjoyable read! I'm always up for a good rhyming poem, especially if they're the kind you can read aloud to yourself, and this one just takes the
hatcookie! As it is, I'm generally terrible at critiquing poetry so I'll take a quick run through all the nit-picky business and attempt to be helpful.~ I'd suggest replacing 'nor' with 'or.'
~ Since the man didn't point out a specific hat, I think 'the' would be more appropriate than 'that' in this case.
~ Typo: 'mabye' should be 'maybe.'
All right, so I noticed that you have a habit of placing commas after every line that hasn't been punctuated otherwise--with periods, exclamation marks, etc.--and the thing is, the reader automatically pauses there, in the middle of the stanza, and that doesn't help the flow at all. Try reading this as one sentence: "I sell them with bowers, of beautiful flowers." Doesn't the comma obstruct flow? Since it's natural for readers to pause anyway at the end of a verse, a comma is entirely unnecessary. Also, since the second line is merely a continuation of the first, the comma only interferes with the fluidity.
Ooh, also, directly after the bit I've quoted above, you say: "A pretty hat for a pretty face." But hats are meant for heads, right? Maybe tweak it to read like: "A pretty hat to suit a pretty face" or something? You forgot to close the dialogue with a quotation mark in this stanza, too--just a minor mistake I caught while re-reading this.
~ The period should be a comma since it's followed up with a 'said'.
I loved the way the poem flowed along so nicely, but I do think the rhyming sounds a tad bit forced here, and I would advise you to tweak it a little since the repeated 'and's could end up grating on some of the readers:
Like, switch the second 'And' with 'There was', maybe? Or whatever else seems appropriate to you.
Speaking of 'and's, you used quite a lot of them. Skim through this poem later when you mean to edit it and see if you can create a little variation. Like, there are places where you could be more direct; instead of saying: "And yelled", you could simply say: "He yelled". This doesn't mess up the rhythm since the verse retains the same number of syllables. (You'll have to forgive me about not criticizing rhythm--I know absolutely nothing about it; the poem flows wonderfully as it is, though.)
All right, so this was a lovely read, Fiendy. Quite refreshing, too. It's always nice to see something lighthearted put up, and I really commend you on your rhythm: it's a trait that carries through most of your poetry, and something that's always fun to read!
So keep writing! Keep it up! Tell me whenever you have anything new to post and I'll be there~
Cheers,
~Pompadour