Published May 14, 2014
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139,503 Literary Works • 672,590 Reviews
Why am I always the 27th like on all your marvelous poems?
Hey, lovely rival. Decided to take a break from working toward defeating sad monkey and get to your request.
So, what was interesting to me about this piece was that it seemed to be a lot of you just genuinely getting the words out of you -- kind of like clearing your throat. The three pieces seem related by the thread of "god" between them, but they all seem to have different goals and different themes and different tones that don't really work together except for by the similar content.
The first section is pretty sing-songy and simple. It doesn't leave me thinking about anything afterward -- seems almost like a nursery rhyme or common jump rope game rhyme that we just know by heart so we can't take notice of it any more.
The second makes me feel strange because of the not-quite rhyme of "king" and "sin". The content there, too, seems like something not-special, like something we've learned over and over again since we starting learning about Jesus, and hearing it again is like someone having memorized the times tables and hearing "two times two is four".
The last section is the one with the really narrative push and somewhat of a message to leave with the reader, and yet still it doesn't seem to bring out anything new. We've often heard stories of "speak quietly but genuinely" versus the louder, falser people. I think the constant parallel contrasting gets hard to read through, too -- over and over "the first" v "the second".
So what do we do now, with all these things that feel unremarkable? Well, was it your intention that they feel unremarkable? Is this tongue in cheek? If so, give just a little crack to it -- just a small line or two that reveals a path toward understanding that the reader is supposed to be aware of how they were unmoved by the repetition -- how this is so far repeated that they don't even register it, which kind of defeats the point, right?
If it was not meant to be unremarkable, think a bit more about what new ideas you can bring to the table. Go beyond the idea of quiet v. loud, and find the texture of a quiet prayer. What does a quiet prayer taste like? Smell like? Seriously! Try to answer these questions and paint the quiet and genuine prayer across many senses so your reader can participate on more levels than just conscious understanding of a message. Get them to feel something new so they can remember this poem for months to come!
I hope this was helpful. Lemme know in a PM or reply to this review if you have questions or something~
Good luck and keep writing and reviewing and I'm going to win~~~
haha
The first two segments were meant to be less remarkable because they are the examples I talk about in the third
The second part was better than the first. I don't really get how it relates but keep in mind I suck at poetry. The fifth stanza is when I got into it and liked it. The rhyming scheme was nicely done, though again at the beginning it seemed a bit forced, especially the second verse. Been and mean, although spelled similarly, do not rhyme. Unless you say been like bean. And I liked stanzas one and three but independently of the whole first part.
Good poem overall, sorry for the criticism :/ I always feel bad even though I know it's part of writing
Absolutely beautiful. The innocence of the first speaker is a sharp contrast to the older one was a nice touch. It's a good representation of how things actually are in church's. The man believes that just because he goes to church, he's got it all covered. the boy is still innocent, but realizes that he has done something bad and that he needs to ask forgiveness. The man is trying to sound all religious with his manner of speaking, but the fake don't get rewards. It's a well delivered message with a well written poem format. Good job.
I'm not a poetry guy, but says a lot about the casual worship culture in many churches today. We go, we sing a bunch of upbeat songs about how cool He is, and then sit down for the sermon without considering the words we sing.
This poem is well written, and I really liked the flow of it. The rhyme scheme works well. There's a couple of parts where it breaks down, however, but overall it's carried decently. The...fifth stanza, I think, is where it falls apart the most. You may want to rework that.
Again, I think the theme of this poem is what makes it shine the most. The last stanza especially sealed the meaning.
Great job, though! I'm not usually one for poetry or religious stuff, but this caught my eye and I'm really pleased to have read it.
Old King Cole here for a review.
I'm going to dissect this poem stanza by stanza.
You're using a child's voice, but it isn't executed well. I'm not certain if it's realistic for a child to be contemplating being sent to hell. I think that's a little far-fetched, maybe even a little ridiculous. Also, the rhyming feels especially forced. I would scrap it.
The rhyming is definitely taking away from the poem. You could have used blank verse and elaborated on the supposed "crime," but your rhyme scheme is hindering you and you've left us with a bare-bones description that carries little emotional weight.
What's the point of using parts of the Lord's Prayer and the Nicene Creed? It doesn't add anything to the poem except make it feel preachy and unfeeling in contrast to the boy's earlier intimate invocation. It seems out of place. Even though you later refer to these prayers as having been recited in what appears to be a church service, this just seems like filler.
Firstly, it should be "sung." Also, what's the point of this? Is this the same voice from earlier? It doesn't feel like it. So, the speaker is making an observation about the recitation of the two aforementioned prayers. What happened to the boy's story?
Your use of "they" with the previous mention of the two prayers makes this a bit confusing. You need to distinguish the objects of your thoughts, here. Be specific so the reader doesn't confuse the prayers and people.
The rhyme here is cringe-worthy. I apologize for being a bit harsh, but it isn't doing anything for this piece. Here, you're making a point that, without genuine faith, prayer is empty. I think that's powerful. But, it doesn't have a thing to do with the first bit of the poem.
The first what? The first person? Or the first prayer? Again, you need to be careful with your language. The first half of this stanza sounds like you're referring to the first prayer, so the last portion is awkward.
Final thoughts:
This poem needs some work. You need to scrap the rhyme and focus more on the point you're trying to make, whatever it is. You seem to have sewn together two separate poems, because this piece feels very disjointed and staggered. Either stick with the boy praying to God, like you had in the beginning, or go with the criticism of empty prayer--you can't have both, though.
Also, avoid cliches! You have a few common Christian cliches here. A lot of what you have in this poem are ideas that have been expressed. Try to think of ways to be more original.
I hope this helped some and I pray you're not too offended by my criticism. Nothing can be refined unless it goes through the fire.
Keep writing and take care.
Selah,
H.
Hey, so I'm not a Christian but I still appreciated this poem.
I guess I like the ideas, it reminds me of the poems I read at primary school in assembly. With regards to that, it is fairly simple but I assume this was the intention. The rhyme scheme is pretty basic (although not with TOO many forced rhymes which makes a pleasant change.)
As noted previously, you aren't consistent with the capitalisation of each line. For me, this isn't a problem. Poetry is cool nowadays because we aren't so rigid with these rules! However, I know it is a pet peeve of some, so sorry if you get too much flack about that on here haha.
I like the title.. "Mr God." It's very child-like and how I can imagine many people may refer to God. He's given as this ENORMOUS omniscient deity (often totally hard to relate to) so to make him familiar and personalised is something I really admire, in both real life and in your poem.
Hope to read more of your work.
Helen
This is beautiful! I love it! :') I don't have anything else to say, but this is so cute and touching.
<3
~Curiosity Killed The Cat
Alright, alright, I see you Mr. "TakeThatYouFiend". You're talented and you communicate well but allow me to point out a couple of my peeves within your work:
In the first stanza you forgot a comma in the third line and you forgot to capitalize "and" in your fourth.
In the second stanza you forgot to capitalize "and" again in your second line and I don't like your slant rhyme in this stanza. "Been" and "mean".. seriously?
In the third stanza you forgot to capitalize the bottom three lines and you didn't even include a slant rhyme which really messed with your flow.
In the fourth stanza you forgot to capitalize "as" and that's it. I also love this stanza.
In the fifth stanza you forgot to capitalize both of your "the"s and neglected to include a rhyme which killed your flow.
In the sixth stanza you forgot punctuation in your first and third lines and capitalization in your second and fourth lines.
In the seventh stanza you forgot to capitalize your bottom three lines and punctuation in your first and third lines.
In the eighth stanza you forgot to capitalize your bottom three lines and punctuation in your first and third lines.
In the ninth stanza you forgot to capitalize your bottom three lines and punctuation in your third line.
I know that you are thinking that because they are part of the same sentences you need not capitalize but you should always capitalize the beginning of a new line, no matter if it is in the same sentence or not. Beyond that I love the poem and the meaning behind it, keep up the good work!
Thank you for your review, but I am afraid I think you are misinformed on the subject of capitalisation. It is optional at the beginning of lines though to do so is more popular. As for the punctuation that is optional also, there is no obligation to use a comma every clause.
Also, although they do not all rhyme they do have at least 'half rhymes'.
The half-rhymes actually make perfect sense for the first one, because it's a little kid learning to rhyme, right?
I like the ideas expressed in this poem, a lot. It sums up many problems that the church has. The fashion in which it was given, as well, was quite good (American "quite," not British "quite"). The simple, direct wording really paints a picture on how black and white this problem should be. The rhyming, too, is very clever. As I have seen in previous reviews, I do not get the amount of dashes in between different sections. One should do between stanzas in the sections. To separate sections, use only two. It will be different enough so you can tell the difference, but not too complicated and confusing.
Wow this is a really nice poem. I enjoy the different approach to God. The pattern is very understandable and the rhyming is clever. I love how this approaches religion as far as controversy. When I first started reading I thought you were quoting a Bible scripture.
I love the lines "Forgive us our trespasses" "Forgive us our sins". I love the whole execution of the lines. I really love the last line it's like the final punchline to conclude this.
I don't see any mistakes, but i do have a question about all of the dash marks between the group of lines. What are they for? Other than that this is perfect. Good Job!! Keep it up!
The first thing that strikes me about this is its similarity to a certain illustration of Jesus', but that's not really a surprise, I'm sure. And it's not a problem, either. This is a brilliant adaption of one of the Lord's lessons (and, in this case, warnings).
The composition is very well-executed. The rhyme scheme and meter work very well, resulting in a poem that is easy to read, and the last line delivers a bit of a verbal punch that really nails the issue down.
One thing I personally like is that you say almost exactly the same thing as Christ did, and yet managed to do so without quoting Him. Quoting Jesus is not a bad thing, by any stretch, but I appreciate the care that seems to have gone into making this piece completely original.
You done good, man! Great job!
A really nice poem, summing up a lot of problems in this subject, I think religion should be a more written about topic because I never see anything on religion here.
Keep it up!
The rhyme scheme was really, really good, I think it fit the premise of the poem very well, and kept a good rhythm (I'm a big fan of short stanzas).
I also like "whispered from the heart" because most people I meet that are very religious tend to be embarrassed by it and hide it, which I think is terrible in today's society.
All in all, a brilliant poem
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Alex it's probably deleted from an accidental double post
It was
It captured how people only pray about things they need. And how they never thank God for his help. It tells you to thank him, and fallow him. It is overall a great poem.
I really loved this. It was beutiful.