Young Writers Society

It is as it goes...Don't know what I don't know....

Do I really need to know? Isn't ignorance one of my only companions that stick to me all around the definite years of my life? Isn't it ignorance that pushes me to the mirror to try to see my face? Isn't it ignorance that beats me so much that I start to beat myself? Isn't it ignorance that screams to my ears to make me scream in the infinite silence? Isn't it ignorance that loves me so much, so deeply that it makes me hate it to the degree when I vow to banish it from my life? Finally, is it not ignorance itself that makes me do all these again and again and over again?

I must praise ignorance for its consistency. Never even a human being has been able to stay with me this long ever before. Yet it dared to latch to me. And although I never wanted to let it take over me, although I never let my guard down, ignorance stood on me. Now it is the hand that is controlling this puppet. 

Ignorance can go along well with thoughts. Thoughts have made ignorance a good ally of them. That's why whenever I step in the world of thoughts, ignorance calls my name. Can't escape it. Can't ignore ignorance....CAN'T!!!

Do deep and true thoughts have voice? My grandson called me when I was struggling with these thoughts inside my head, " Grand-fa, are you ok?"

"Hmm?...Oh, yes..yes, son, I am fine. Why? What's wrong?"

"No, it's nothing...I just had a feeling that you said something."

"Oh, did I? Can't really say, son...your closest one, your head starts to betray you when you stand on the highest stairs..."

"Hmm..that's true, grand-fa." The boy smiled. Charming one, his smile has been. Always snatching you way. And the last rays of the sun pour the flow of a stream of sparkling water, not the stream that quenches your heavenly thirst, but the one that only increases your thirst to pour down affection..

I thought again..what else can I do? Only thoughts are all I have to do now..

And ignorance...

Thoughts can take you to bed and can also throw a glass of cold water on your face. I fell asleep being wrapped in the somewhat warm and somewhat cold quilt of thoughts. And I woke up with an unknown fear of the unexpected and sudden surprising of the not-coming-in-reality news...

"Dad, I told you to sleep on your bed, didn't I ? At least, call me or Mathew when you fall sleepy....we can shift you there. You know this very well that it's not good for your health to sleep on the couch."

"Yes, yes , I know...but I forgot."

That word "forget" or "forgot" - in whatever tense it may be used- scares my daughter always...always..

Shouldn't have said it.

"Dad, it's alright...I..understand."

Martha left the room putting the vacuum cleaner beside the sofa...that was definitely not its place. Poor things..my daughter and the machine. Living on the wrong road for one single person, me...

Only if I knew...if I knew...

My grandson claims that I am his idol and the source of inspiration to him. A scientist, he wants to be a scientist. Just like his grandfather. Somehow this lad has found an endless blow of uplifting breeze from me.

Hmph..I feel both sad and happy for this young man..He doesn't know that I don't know all..I wonder if he will stop taking me as his idol when he will know it.

....know it?..Should he know it?.....

I thought for a while...

Yes, he should know it. Like his mother, he should know it,too. 

Age may effect your speed of work, but it doesn't effect your values and your actions taken based on them. I called my grandson...

"Rick...can you come here for a while?"

"Yes, grand-fa....you called me?"

The boy stood by the door of my room. Always stands like this-one hand holding the knob, almost like balancing his body and the other falling from his shoulder as if it had no bones, only flesh...weird yet beautiful in my eyes.

"Oh, yes, son, I called you. Can we have a moment?"

The boy understands the length of my sound waves. Changed his position. Entered the room. Closed the door. Came close to me. Fetched the chair. Sat by me.

A small breath. "What's it, grand-fa?"

"Son, I must tell you something very important."

"Sure, grand-fa...go on."

"You think that I know a lot?"

The boy nodded, "Yes, grand-fa"

"You believe that?"

"Yes, grand-fa."

"Son, then I must tell you that what you believe is wrong."

The boy leaned back. "Come on, grand-fa...I know you will say that. You see, every great mind thinks like that."

"Yes, son, they do. But not all great minds are ignorant of their own identity."

Now a deep breath. He looks down trying to find out the words and lines to tell me. "Grand-fa..you are you. You don't have to really...."

I must stop the boy...."Son, I don't know who I am. I don't know who your mother is. I don't know anything or anybody."

A cry with no tears came out of my mouth. It didn't make the boy feel sad or pity for me. It SCARED him.

He frowned. "What, grand-fa? Are you alright?"

A tense in his voice. It was silent but I heard it. What I couldn't hear was that my voice got loud enough to make my daughter hear what I was saying to her son. She came quietly. Didn't hurry. It was not necessary. She opened the door. I looked at her with a fear and a fading prayer to her to let me tell him the truth. My ignorance. But she gave me the look of denial.

She looked at her son. He had the look of relief to see her face. "Mom, I don't get what grand-fa is telling me."

"It's ok, son. Sometimes, I don't even get what a genius like him tells me."

She turned to me. Didn't say anything in words. But I heard her saying a lot of things in silence. I didn't stop her.

"Son, your grand-fa actually needs a little bit rest. I think, we should go downstairs to repair for the dinner."

Her smile is enough to make the boy feel at rest. "Ok, mom"

They both left the room without giving me the opportunity to tell them of this painful experience of my ignorance. I couldn't tell them. I couldn't tell him...Now thoughts are gonna start dancing with ignorance. 

Only in thoughts.....

I found this guy. He decided to help me with the experiments. I needed a guy like this. So, I didn't refuse. He started working. I did get along with him. Yet I didn't. I knew him. Yet I didn't. One day, he came to the lab in the usual manner. Same greetings, same proceedings. But not the same ending.

Experiments are fun. Yet they may lead to sorrow. We had to use a poison for the research. A lethal one. But dangers didn't seem to scare the man. It only excited him. And I, the greatest fool, thought it to be his eager desire to learn more and more. His efforts to let go of ignorance.

I let him play with it.

And that day, he drank it.

Wasn't it my ignorance responsible for this guy's death? Wasn't it my being ignorant of him that caused a bird suffocating with its own wings? Wasn't it my ignorance that made me think so lightly?  Was it not my ignorance that broke apart my belief that I knew, that I could know? Was it not my, only my ignorance that threw me into the well of ignorance for eternity?

I didn't know him. It was my ignorance. I didn't know his desires. It was my ignorance. I didn't  see his face. It was my ignorance. And ignorance only breeds ignorance.

My wife-did I know her? My daughter- did I know her? The world- did I know it? Myself-did I know me?

What is the use of being a mathematician and knowing 1,2, 3 and 4 and more but not know myself nor the selves around me??

I am ignorant. And I don't know me...and I didn't know my wife. What else better could she have done other than leaving me, the one who didn't know her??

I know a few parts of my daughter. That's why she visits me during Christmas...

But what about the other times of the year? I don't know them. I won't know them....

Some unknowns fall in the dark of ignorance and after struggling for years, come back to light again. But some are never to return. They are the lost ones. The lost knowns...the forgotten ones.

I forgot me, my wife, my daughter. And I told it to the world as loud as I could. But they heard me wrong. They thought I had gone mad cus of the death. No, I hadn't . I had only realized my ignorance.

Ignorance called out to me and I tried to run. But I failed. It engulfed me. Then I tried to fight it. But I had forgotten again. The rules of ignorance...

Those things, those unknowns which remain unknown forever and ever, never come to me nor to the light that I can see. Those ignorances...are what I don't know....what I won't ever know.