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journey to oasis/ps. apocalypses story

by TY1l3R

Journey to the oasis

Days of old

Welcome come gather around let us tell the tell of the brave heroes who gave us our freedom, let us tell of the people who died for us to live, let us tell of the journey to oasis… but first let us tell of the past before the disease, the death, the wars before everything…

It was a time long ago when everywhere was green and bright wonderful smells filled the air peaceful beast roamed and played. Nature, nature was everywhere in was beautiful. Then a new beast arose man. Mankind started to bloom they were smart, creative, inventive, caring, strong and peaceful all lived and prospered together for hundreds of years. But one day long long ago something was introduced to two brothers. They were out picking fruits and talking when something approached them. They did not know what it was but they were not afraid they had no reason to be all was kind and loving. The cloaked figure was pitch black all that showed were two glowing blue eyes. The eldest brother walked up to introduce himself. Then stopped the figure outstretched a skinny blue arm cold air surrounding it he uncurled his claw like fingers to reveal a stone. An arrow shaped stone the younger brother watched as the figure gestured for his brother to take it. He did. And the moment he touched it a feeling grew inside him a nasty feeling in which he has not felt. Hatred. He looked at his brother then back at the figure who nodded. The elder brother walked toward his brother with tears in his angry eyes. The younger sibling only watched and waited curiously the moment he reached him he brought the stone up the down on his brother’s head creating a meaty thud.

And that was the beginning of the end. After this there was nothing but greed, disease, brutality and war. War mankind’s downfall. War was fought out of greed the leaders of nations wanted more so they sacrificed their people in a false honor. Then war took a new turn in 1945 what used to be Hiroshima and Nagasaki feels it still to this day. A new weapon was made the, atom bomb. A nuclear weapon meant to destroy civilizations and it worked the world went into a nuclear war which went on for 5 years until there was nothing left to shoot at. The world was in ruined radiation and rubble littered the planet. A group of scientist created a long lasting vaccine to protect their remaining armies from the radiation and so another war was fought. But this did not last long for there was no more nations no more governments, laws nothing. People started creating settlements outside the heavy irradiated city order soon stated to blossom people joined these society’s and established rules trading’s and leaders. Things were finally starting to go back to the way things were meant to be until they saw a floating palace in the sky. Hope the last place on earth that governments still stood hopes goal was to put order to the planet give sanctuary to those who would like to help their cause and to execute those would implead there progress. So the earth broke into and every man for themselves feud creating gangs organized militias and mercenaries. The settlements were raided the people slaughtered and the towns burnt to the ground only handfuls survived. They built defenses and took up arms to protect what they loved and at this points is where our hero comes into our story this is where john smo was born

John! Get up! Were late! His older sister Amanda yelled at him. He shifted over to the side of his bed and slowly and ankingly pulled himself up to sitting-ish position he strained to open his eyes as the lanterns light blazed in his face. He did a quick stretched and heaved himself to his feet. At that his sister rounded back to his space and chucked his shoes at him. “You were supposed to be up and hour ago”. She said angrily. She left before she could see him mocking her. He got dressed then headed for the door. His sister was already out of site so he started to jog to the other side of the settlement. Drift his home, one of the decreasing number of settlements. Each person had a role to play. There were only four roles which involved going out of the walls that is farming, scavenging, a venator( hunter ) and being a part of the militia in which your first 2 years involved being a sentinel sitting in front of the gate hoping no acosador show up. Acosadors are 1 of the many terrifying creatures that occupy the area, they about the size of a beagle the body is about 4 ft. long usually hunch backed with inch long spikes all over a small nubbed tail and 5 to 6 legs its head is the most unusual part it seems to be a bald bird head with no beak that was going to split into 2 but just didn’t get all the way. Teeth are sharp small and is soaked in some nasty bacteria that you do not wanna get pricked by. He made it to the gate and while he slipped through it a centurion walked passed the gate and stopped. John unknowing he was being watched tried desperately to get himself unstuck. Need some help their private he said abruptly? John jumped hit his head then tumbled back freeing himself. He rubbed his head then slowly stood to a salute. At that he seen his partner and oldest friend stef. They both enrolled to be scavengers so they could work together. She always had his back and he repaid her with almost always getting them both in trouble. She seen he was about to get so she trotted over and grabbed his gear off his shoulder and thanked him confused he slowly nodded and went along. She saluted the centurion and apologized. “Sorry sir” she started. I left my stuff behind when we went off I he said he’d run back and get them for me. He eyed them both intently then waved them off. They quickly jogged off.

They stopped to pick of stefs gear and trade bags she glared at him afterwords. Not knowing if she was actually mad he sheepishly smiled. She tried desperately not to but ended up giggling and socked him in the shoulder for payback. They gathered there stuff and began there run. They ran to the town and stuck to the shadows the sun was a little over the horizon casting long shadows they used it to their benefit. They stopped at old shops and houses gathered some canned food but there main priority was weapons they were running low on bullets which was one of the reasons there still standing not many people have guns let alone ammunition. They found 3 9mm rounds, 3 hunting knifes, 1 pocket knife and 2 bolts which in their work that’s practically gold. After the bolts they really didn’t find much so as they usually did the explored. Their territory was relatively small thanks to the cars. The cars are these assholes who somehow got some cars to run and they raid small settlements or trade caravans. John and steff go outside their territories almost every day but there always cautious they were ran out by a patrol once.

By the time they started heading back it was getting dark. The scavengers are usually supposed to be back well before it got dark but they make exceptions if you bring in stuff like they were today. They were walking along both off in their own worlds. John thinking about a world inhabited by super powered people who could do anything. Steff was wondering if she should take chance that could change her and johns friendship forever. At that she grabbed johns hand and stopped him looked at her confused she opened her mouth to say something but a distant boom stopped her dead in her tracks they looked over to see a small cloud of smoke then more explosions some in the sky some on the ground. Their faces turned grim john gripped steffs hand tightly then they started running as fast as they could toward drift.

Remember remember the fifth of November…

John and steff rounded the river to see their home turned into a warzone. They ran for the gate which was leaned down and burning. John pulled steff towards a large piece of building stuck in the ground he led her in then yelled “stay here tell I come back!” before she could argue he ran off through the fire into drift. John looked desperately around. There was no raiders, no creatures, no invaders the fight was among themselves this wasn’t a raid this was a rebellion. He ran into a soldier who instantly raised his cross bow and aimed it directly at john. John stumbled back and fell to the ground. The soldier hesitantly lower the weapon and at that moment someone ran and tackled the man they started viciously ripping at his throat and chest. Then the person looked at him and he realized that was no person at least not any more her eyes glowed a dark blue, black veins bulged randomly all over her body and her nails were sharp curled to a point. 

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User avatar
117 Reviews

Points: 11345
Reviews: 117

Sun Nov 06, 2016 5:34 pm
Astronomer wrote a review...

Hello there, TY1l3R!
This is Moonwatcher here for a review, and to knock this out of the Green Room!

I agree with the things that the previous reviewers mentioned. Everything seems to be a huge, hard to read cluster, and it's not a surprise that this is still in the Green Room. The readability skills of this chapter could use some improvement. The paragraphs are long winded and large, each everything just seems to be bundled up into a huge mess that could use some cleaning. There aren't many stops, and when I was reading this, I got lost several times trying to read this because I got lost so often.

I agree with the method of reading it to yourself. Not in your head, because a ton of mistakes can slip through your mind, because nobody's perfect like that. Read it aloud, and fix anything that sounds funky to you, and fix it. Maybe even shorten up/cut up paragraphs whenever you run out breath.

You don't have quotation marks in some of the dialogue, which is something that you must have in order to separate dialogue from narration. This could get very confusing at times. A lot of sentences don't have commas in the areas that they need to be, which is necessary in order to prevent run on sentences and improve flow.

That's all I have to say about this chapter. I hope my review helped you out! ^-^

User avatar
264 Reviews

Points: 23295
Reviews: 264

Sun Oct 30, 2016 8:30 pm
Megrim wrote a review...

Hi there! Megrim cruising through the green room for review day. I thought I'd offer a few general comments to help readability.

I think a big reason you haven't gotten many reviews is that this is difficult to read--for 2 reasons. One is the big paragraphs. They're really hard on the eyes, and if too many thoughts are lumped together in one paragraph (when they ought to be multiple), it gets a bit jumbled and feels like thoughts are running into each other. The other thing is commas--you have a lot of run-on sentences, that need either more commas, or to be broken into multiple sentences. It's hard to read those kind of sentences because we feel almost "breathless."

The BIGGEST way you can train yourself to improve these syntax issues is to read the story out loud to yourself. I'm super serious. Don't just re-read it in your head. Read it OUT LOUD. Maybe when you're home alone so you don't need to feel self-conscious. But this will help you a LOT. It will really highlight the places where sentences run too long, or awkward wordings, or even typos sometimes.

My other comment is that you don't necessarily need to start by explaining all the backstory to us. You can start the story with a scene, with the characters doing stuff, and fill in the backstory via dialogue, implications, reading between the lines, etc.

Good luck and happy writing!

User avatar
48 Reviews

Points: 7
Reviews: 48

Sun Oct 30, 2016 1:37 am
Jyva says...

general comments:

1. paragraphs need some serious breaking up.
2. some dialogue doesn't even have quotation marks.
3. this is pretty damn cliche
4. you need commas in there man
5. finally...

>Remember remember the fifth of November…

wtf lmao

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