***If this receives good reviews, then I will post part 2
Eternal
TSun
TSun
(Verse 1)
Remember? That one night you lost your mind?
Shattered in many pieces,they were hard to find.
Warnings everywhere but you ignored the signs,
why do you act so blind?
(Have you forgotten your crimes?)
(Have you forgotten your rhymes?)
If you hadn't given up those precious times,
then you - would - know.
Though it isn't so,
it doesn't matter where I go,
I'll see your face everywhere I go,
and you will be there no matter where I go.
(You've ripped apart my soul)
You had always been, the choice of my flow,
but I had walked, just a little too slow,
and I'll keep you a secret, for you are the finale of my show.
Your soul...
(So hard to find, find)
Your fears...
(Forever bind, bind)
Your tears...
(Flowing kind, kind)
Your scars...
(Unwind, ...wind)
You are...
(Hard to find, find)
...Pacing...
(In my mind, mind)
...Through pain...
(I'll be there for you)
...
Why must I cry? (Cry)
When I'm faced with death I'll still try.
(Even after death I'll be there for you)
Why must I cry? (Cry)
My warm heart shudders a sigh.
(Even after death we can be the only few)
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
This poem is actually pretty good. It reminds me of poems by E. E. Cummings (who is my favorite poet). He also makes use of phrases in parenthesis. I've always liked how the parenthesis make something part of the poem, but also add a though without interrupting the flow, and I think you used the really well. Some things I would change, though, would be when you repeat the word 'cry' in parenthesis. It doesn't really add anything, besides repetition. And also, when you repeat the word twice in parenthesis, such as "find, find" or "bind, bind." I think one wouldd have the same effect. Other than those two instances of unnecessary redundancy, your poem is interesting, and I would post part 2, maybe after you get another few reviews so people know what part 1 was.