(A poem to open a story)
The Light of Day
In the gentle glow of the light of day,
She finds herself lost in a poetic sway.
Does it dance on his grin, so pure and bright,
Or on her cheeks, kissed by golden light?
Daylight whispers secrets, oh so sweet,
As she ponders where its rays discreet.
In her laughter's cadence, in smiles so fine,
Or the twinkle in her gaze, like stars align.
But alas, as the daylight fades away,
Taking with it her joy, in sad dismay.
No more shall she compare, no longer yearn,
For she rests in peace, where sunbeams no longer turn.
In the quiet stillness, she finds her repose,
No more to ponder where daylight flows.
For in her memory, forever it shall stay,
The light of day, in its eternal sway.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,008 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
Hi it's 22Midnight
hope your doing well, let's get into it!
First Impression: so this is a poem to open up a story, i'm getting the impression that it might be like a replacement for a prologue maybe or something like the wings of fire books where it was a prophecy, can't wait to find out.
this is a beautiful start a feel like this is talking about someone's lover that there almost to scared to go up to and ask if they'd like to go out with them.
one thing did stick out to me here in the second line since it is a poem I don't really think that telling us it is a poem with the word poetic is a great way to pull the reader in, maybe replace that word with something like gentle
the line not changed: She finds herself lost in a poetic sway.
the line changed: She finds herself lost in a gentle sway.
there we are please remember this is just my thoughts and be free to ignore it.
second thing I feel like the constant capitalization is messing up the flow of the poem as well, maybe try to lessen the fool stops to and add different types of apostrophes and things like this ; this might help make it easier to read.
wow it was such a lovely start and now such a saddening end, what happened to her, maybe that's what where supposed to find out from the novel, maybe someone she loves is going to take vengeance over someone who possibly could have killed her.
Overall: I loved reading it, the overall meaning was brought a cross in a very wonderful way and the consistent rhyming was done incredibly well, i really hope to see if you have started the novel, i think i'd be interested in reading it.
anyway that's it from me
hope you have a great dawn/dusk/midnight
See Ya
Hello, this is AkuRashomon who is going to drop a review/comment about your piece. So, let's get started!
). Good job, I will give this piece a solid 8 out of 10. You seem new here. That is pretty impressive for a new writer in YWS! Short late welcome to you and a applause for your beautiful piece!👏👏👏
I like the flow of how your poem goes. The rhyming patterns are quite beautiful matching the elegance of the meaning. The build up is great too! Since you have said it is based on a story, may I know what story you are pertaining to or is it your own story you'll be publishing later in time? The sadness and the flow of the writing is lyrical, (it reminds me of a Mitski song
If you need help you can contact the people with the light green, dark green and red usernames. They will help you in case you are having trouble with the site.
- AkuRashomon
Thank you so much for reviewing and for the welcomes!! Yes, I wrote this as an opener for a story am working on and hope to share one day%u2764 I did take inspiration from a Mitski Playlist I found on YouTube good eye! xD