To Avenge My Family

Thanks, I think I'll just rewrite it. Thanks again!!! This was a piece I'd written a few years back, that was short enough for the YWS LJ, so thanks again. I'll pm you when I get the rest up.


TNC

Hello again Posting so soon?

Night couldn’t have come sooner; I didn’t plan to stop though ach, kind of felt like you jumped straight in there, maybe explain, though without too much detail, how the MC feels, no matter how bad I wanted tootypo. It was easier walking in the dark and I welcomed the coolness of the night. Nice turn of phrase I would have to let my horse rest for a while, but he was willing to follow me to the death if need be.
*~*~*~*
As the sun was rising, I saw a small town in front of me. Describe the town, mayhap? I had slept for about an hour the night before, and then kept walking. I think you limit yourself by writing in a way that reads: this happened, then I did this, but then this occured. Don't rush; just spend time on things (not every detail though!) Readers won't want a stage-by-stage recount of the journey, but to feel they are there, that they are experiencing it. The town looked welcoming how come? What makes it so welcoming? Let us see it through the MC's eyes! and I wanted a bed more than ever. There were young kids playing on the outskirts of town as I walked up. One of the little boys ran over to me and looked the man over. He took off towards one of the houses without saying a word. It's getting a bit dull --- sorry. I want to be able to see this happening, not just simply be told it happened.
*~*~*~* Does this need to be a new section if only a few minutes later? Breaks up the flow a bit.
A few minutes later, he came back with a women that should be 'woman' running after him describe her --- what were her facial expressions?. She was holding her skirts up high so she could keep up with the young boy. They met me about half way to the town.
“That is Senior Ryder, what happened?” The woman asked. You will remember I mentioned how you were goign wrong punctionation-wise here.
I don’t know, Senora, I just found him.” I replied looking into the town hoping there weren’t any drifters there.
“Senorita?” The boy asked, appearing shocked, he had recognized my feminine voice. The woman shooed him away and quickly helped me to the house leading my horse. As we stopped outside of the house, a man came riding in. He came to a complete halt next to us looking worried. He didn’t look up at my horse or me but quickly talked to his wife. He must’ve been talking about the man that was on my horse because the woman didn’t seem to be worried. She pointed to the man and then led me inside. I figured her husband would get the man off my horse and help him inside.
“Senorita, that is a very important gringo.” She said smiling at me. Her accent was soothing how was it soothing --- more detail please. How did it make the MC feel?.
“Why is he important?” I asked. The women’s women plural, woman singular husband was carrying the man in now with the help of another man. They carried him back to a room as the woman handed me some water.
“He owns all the land our town and ranches are on. He has a huge ranch about five miles from here. He is a big gringo around these areas. He has many enemies, but few friends. He has supplied us with cattle and supplies when we were in need and he lets us stay on this land. He this, he that! Repetitive!! Some of the other gringos want him dead so that they can kick us out. They say that we steal from them, but if Senior Ryder ever found out that any of us had stolen, the thief would be killed. He does not put up with that and he never has. He is a good man, Senorita, a very good man. We owe you for finding him and bringing him back.” The woman was smiling with pride as if the man was her son. “Is there anything we can do for you?”