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125,009 Literary Works • 672,836 Reviews
hello! i am titorelli, i will be your reviewer for today, and im guessing im going to be the first one! i'll try not to critique it too hard, cause i know how it is to be critiqued!
The first sentence is a nice opener for what we come into about the story. (if that makes sense)
then you said
"Alarm sounded clearly in Becky's voice"
why don't you say, "Alarm could be heard clearly in Becky's voice."
idk reword that one
"Kimmy grabbed Colt's diaper bag....Becky is at the door"
give us a passage of time before Becky gets to the door. you lost me at that point.
"Did you have enough for the bills?"
why does she ask that, if it needs to stay give us some insight on why she asks if she has enough money for the bills.
"thank you, she mumbled"
have her say it quietly, there is no need for mumbling because shes just upset as far as i know, and not embarrassed.
"Becky gave her a hug and left."
didnt she come for the baby? i dont uderstand.
"....picture of she and Trent at their wedding and tears filled her eyes."
the wedding picture is pushing it a bit, try a picture of them together for some other reason.
and now at this point i want it to be in First Person view. just a thought, i dont know if you see it but i do.
oh i see a sentence fragment.
"She tore her gaze from the picture and picked up the first letter from one of the men, she would read Trent's letter last."
i think that makes sense, im not an english teacher but i think thats how it is suppose to be.
"...before he threw me up."
before he took me up
i like the letter, its heart wrenching, but their are a few things that dont connect like the throwing up the hill, maybe he went to get another man, and didnt come back
I NEED MORE!
and she should only mutter "hes not comming back"
and not "hes dead."
again a bit over dramatic
all in all i love the plot, im going to get some tissues and dry my tears
bye now
***Anyone going to read this???***