**Ok, so I don't know if it's a song or what. But ya, here it goes. Crit as hard as you like. Lyrics aren't my things, this is just how I'm feeling at the moment. 
**
Everything rests on just one thing,
Every emotion is pent up as I hold my breath
My heart beats irregularly
As it has sense you left me
A letter, sent to tell you to straighten up
Sent because no one else would
But now you might not talk to me
Now you might hate me
I don’t think I can bare that
I still love you, I can’t but I do
I still want you, not that I’ll tell
So I show that by trying to help you
But in the end I might just hurt myself more
With a letter, sent to tell you to straighten up
Sent because no one else would
But now you might not talk to me
Now you might hate me
I don’t think I could take that
Hours tick by, as I wait for the message
Saying you’ve read the letter
Seconds feel like hours, hours like days
Please stop this pain, please understand
I can’t take back
The letter I sent to tell you to straighten up
Sent because no one else would
But now you might not talk to me
Now you might hate me
I don’t think I can live
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,827 Reviews
Yay! Another lyric post by you! haha anyway. I only saw a few errors and really liked it! I've felt like that before and I know I've written thousands of letters! It was really good cowgirl! Keep writing!
Hi.
I've only dabbled in writing lyrics, myself, but here's my thoughts...
I feel the meaning and the story behind the words. It's beautiful in a sad sort of way.
As it knows you left me or As it can sense you left me
I don't like having "sent" and "now" lines in a row.
A letter, sent to tell you to straighten up,
Because no one else would,
But, now you might not talk to me,
you might hate me.
As you can see, I also added punctuation to that. Commas go at the end of each line, and a period at the end of a stanza or whenever the singer would take a breath.
As I said before, though, it is a beautiful song. It is on the short side, but that works for it. So, really, your only problems is the flow. I hope that these tips help.
--McMourning