Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Other » Narrative

E - Everyone

Rain

by Sylar


Rain. The rain gently taps on the window. I see figures dancing on the now-fogged glass. I, myself, am soaking wet. Every inch of me is drenched in the clear, cold substance. My friends, on the other hand, are so wet, their shirts are see-through. She laughs after telling me her shirt is 75% water and 25% shirt. Outside, pellets of freezing water hit the ground, splashing on the flooded highway road. I hear 1,000 tiny voices squealing. Now the maroon-leather seats are damp to the touch. It's a slight inconvenience, considering the number of raindrops surrounding my cramped yellow school bus. I think she's calling me, but my headphones are in. I don't have great hearing anyway. Instead, I glance out the window. Still, rain.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
172 Reviews


Points: 0
Reviews: 172

Donate
Sun May 11, 2014 6:52 am
Laure wrote a review...



Hai, Laure here for a review. Because the previous reviewers has already pointed out the typos, I will focus mainly on the content. I disagree with Strange when he said that this was nothing special ,because it is. But only if you continued to expand this, I mean there is definitely potential hidden in this short passage that could be extended into a great story. Your descriptions though short and simple really touches the heart and paints a clear image, e style of your writing is light-hearted and humorous but also thought-provoking at the same time.

The bit after her friends say their shirts are all wet, I thought before you jumped to the girl friend. You could continue to expand that part, and describe the rain or some more feelings. You hear one thousand squealing, what?

This isn't bad, in fact is good. But there is so much potential at hand is a pity you didn't go further.

Keep on writing!

-Laure






Thanks! This was really an exercise on description for me.



User avatar
416 Reviews


Points: 775
Reviews: 416

Donate
Sun May 11, 2014 2:49 am
Willard wrote a review...



Hey icannothearthings, Strange here and I felt the need to review this. Sorry if this review is very rusty as I just came back from a hiatus.
To be honest, it was okay. That was the most blunt I can be. There is honestly nothing really special going on here except for detail. It's all one can expect from a work in the Other section. I wasn't surprised all this was was just detail. I honestly did love one part, though I don't want to sound mean by it. It's when you said "I can't hear well." That is when this story became personal and more from your mind. It's something most "Other" works don't have. I know you don't hear well, because, your name.
Overall, it wasn't bad and it wasn't great. It was decent.
Strange gives you..
5.9/10
Good job
Keep writing
Stay groovy, my friend.






My name is actually an inside joke. -_-
Anyway, thanks for the review I guess...?



User avatar
232 Reviews


Points: 5846
Reviews: 232

Donate
Sun May 11, 2014 1:57 am
WillowPaw1 wrote a review...



Hi there!

I don't review many things in the "other" section, but I can try. ;)

I have one nitpick for you:

I hear 1,00 tiny voices squealing.


If you meant to say 100, take away the comma. If you meant to say 1,000, add another zero.

I really didn't realize you/this person were/was in a school bus until the lines "cramped yellow school bus" came up. There is a window, and people outside, so before I rea that I thought they were in a building or a car? Maybe just make it a little more clear at the starting.

I really like this. It reminds me of a poem, yet it isn't a poem. It's got that feel to it that a poem has, but also the combination of a paragraph twists this up.
Great job, keep writing!

WillowPaw1~






Changed the nitpick. Thanks!



WillowPaw1 says...


No problem! :)




Ghosts, demons, and ghouls cannot scare the cat's underling.
— TheMulticoloredCyr