Deleted

I havn't finished it yet I was leading up to dialogue and stuff this is just the begginning part.
Charlotte

Erm...what??

The only real comment I have on this piece is that I'm confused. Muchly confused.

You've got under 10 paragraphs here, 3 of them not belonging with the "story" - a single memory.

(Original thought here was "WTH?!")

I think the only advice I can give you is to lengthen the memories and knit them together with a tangible story. 'Cos, frankly, the only thing you've got here is a half-story and a eighth of a story, y'know? This kind of thing really belongs in a blog.

Honestly, what you have now is inconsistently scattered detail coupled with a lack of plot. While you may be drawing from the wells of personal experience, I didn't really feel anything from this piece of writing except for "this happened. The end."

I feel no empathy for you, as the author/viewpoint character, I'm not interested in the school because the only picture we have is some sort of dreary prison drenched in rain and stupid bus drivers.

While that may be the point you're trying to convey here, I have no further interest in the story. It's too short and lacking detail in the proper places.

All in all, I think it needs a complete re-write with something besides, "damn it, I missed the friggin' bus."

For example, we need more dialogue. Think of it this way:
A story is a channel for scenes and ideas. A scene is a channel for characters. Dialogue is a channel for characters. The characters are the story- they're the whole reason for writing the thing.
So far we only have the girl who you tripped and you.

So the base problem here is length, because with length comes the progression of the story (hopefully) and with progression comes new faces.

PM me if you have any questions on the review.

Cheers,
Sumi

What happens?!?!?! I want to see more!
This was a good start though. Except for a few typos.

Swottielottie wrote:Paying attention in Miss Coch's maths class was a challenge for anyone.

Swottielottie wrote: Anyway, my class was more interested in Celebrity Fad Diets than actually studying.

Swottielottie wrote:After thirty long minutes, the bell finally rung for home-time.

Swottielottie wrote:"Damn it!" I muttered outside, seeing the familiar red blur of a the 210 bus fly by.

Swottielottie wrote:If I missed the bus (which I often did) I would usually take out a novel and read until the bus eventually arrived.

Swottielottie wrote:The sky was clear today but I still sat there, deeply absorved in the book Witch Girl.