my worst fear growing up
was heights
--
i cannot be high
and i know
i've been asked to talk about a fear from when i was a child
but I will be honest and I'm still a bit scared
when i'm above the ground
i don't feel safe anymore
it's my safe place
--
in the air, i can't grasp onto anything to hold onto
i can't grasp onto something to make me feel safe
again, childish
i know
i know
i really am
--
i don't know what i can compare myself to
besides an animal of prey
if you're an animal of prey
you're scared of anything really
always have to be cautious
you calm yourself down when you feel safe
the ground makes me feel safe.
--
i am not a bird
and i will never be a bird
--
i have never been on a plane
probably shouldn't be proud of that
and i'm not
which means i can never go to hawaii
i want to go to hawaii very much
--
i used to be so scared
i refused to go on monkey bars
i thought the ground would disappear
and i could not hold on forever
yes
angel was scared of many things
including monkey bars
--
as for spider webs
i never got to the top
i would fall on purpose just to touch the ground
--
i don't like to jump off things
but at the same time
i force myself to
if i have to jump i'm not on the ground and that scares me
and i want to get on the ground again
but if i jumped
i wouldn't even have a surface to hold onto at all
i'm weird like that
--
i feel like i might not survive
push a landborn bug off a ledge
it probably won't live
i feel as small as the bug
a bug that's scared of heights
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Hi there Swordfish! Niteowl here to review.
Overall, this is really cool, and it looks like you did some interesting things with the format. That can come off as gimmicky, but I think it works pretty well here. Let's dive in.
Um...this sounds to me like being high from drugs. I think you could cut it altogether.
The way this is written, it's unclear what "it's" is referring to. A slight rearrangement: "the ground is my safe place/above it/i don't feel safe anymore".
The repeated "onto" makes this feel choppy. I would reword this by cutting at least one of them. Maybe "in the air, i can't hold onto anything/there's nothing i can grasp for safety".
Okay, so I understand punctuation is the poet's choice, but there's almost none in this entire poem except the comma in the quote above and the period here. Aley asked me to review this and she said you took out all the punctuation. Usually, I'm a standard punctuation kind of poet, but here I think you could actually use it in a cool way. Like you could use normal punctuation to make the reader feel grounded in some parts and feel "up in the air" without it.
I think this stanza has more punch if you take out the middle lines.
Just quoting to say I love this. I was also not a fan of the monkey bars as a child haha. Though in my case, I would always try and fall and one time scraped my knee really bad.
I thought the "yes" in the middle was strange. I'm also not sure about this verse overall...is "Angel" your name and thus we're suddenly switching to third person? I don't think you need this stanza.
Not sure what you mean by "spider webs" (might be a regional term?), but I love the last line.
This feels a little too rambly. I suggest cutting it.
Spellcheck is telling me "landborn" is not a word, and I agree it sounds weird. Still, I'm not sure what word would be an accurate replacement...wingless? Walking? Land-bound? I would chew on that. Aside from that, I like the ending.
Overall, this is a really unique poem with a strong voice. Keep writing!
Hello, Swordfish! The format of your writing was very fun and eye-catching. Let me help you out here as much as I can though. First, you didn't capitalize anything and there wasn't any punctuation. Second, you put it with poems. If you're writing a poem it has to have a sort of beat but here it just seemed like you were talking about your life stories. You actually could make this into something very great if you went back and added rhythm. I feel like you could do a lot to help yourself and this poem out here. Just go back and add some caps, punctuation, and rhythm and you'll be good. Keep writing and never get discouraged!
~Keepwriting
One thing I want to say is that not all poems have to have punctuation unless it is used questionably. Caps and punctuation are absent intentionally. As for this poem, I wasn't looking for a beat. All that mattered to me was that it must not be choppy.
?
Hey, Keepwriting. You've been reminded this at least a hundred times by mods and other poets. You don't need punctuation in poetry, it's all poetic style. Poets can choose whether to use it or not. I've sent you the Punctuation in Poetry link three times before, and so have others. It's become a major role in your reviews.
I don't mean to sound harsh or mean at all. If I do, I apologize.
You don't. But you can't change my mind. Classic poetry will always be above modern. Since the people who wrote poetry back then actually cared about what they did with their words.
Er, I'm pretty sure some classic poetry has also gone without punctuation and you're just being close-minded and refuse to realize that you're wrong and that poetry can be without punctuation.