Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Dramatic


Heights

by Swordfish


my worst fear growing up

was heights

--

i cannot be high

and i know

i've been asked to talk about a fear from when i was a child

but I will be honest and I'm still a bit scared

when i'm above the ground

i don't feel safe anymore

it's my safe place

--

in the air, i can't grasp onto anything to hold onto

i can't grasp onto something to make me feel safe

again, childish

i know

i know

i really am

--

i don't know what i can compare myself to

besides an animal of prey

if you're an animal of prey

you're scared of anything really

always have to be cautious

you calm yourself down when you feel safe

the ground makes me feel safe.

--

i am not a bird

and i will never be a bird

--

i have never been on a plane

probably shouldn't be proud of that

and i'm not

which means i can never go to hawaii

i want to go to hawaii very much

--

i used to be so scared

i refused to go on monkey bars

i thought the ground would disappear

and i could not hold on forever

yes

angel was scared of many things

including monkey bars

--

as for spider webs

i never got to the top

i would fall on purpose just to touch the ground

--

i don't like to jump off things

but at the same time

i force myself to

if i have to jump i'm not on the ground and that scares me

and i want to get on the ground again

but if i jumped

i wouldn't even have a surface to hold onto at all

i'm weird like that

--

i feel like i might not survive

push a landborn bug off a ledge

it probably won't live

i feel as small as the bug

a bug that's scared of heights


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
1210 Reviews


Points: 29861
Reviews: 1210

Donate
Sat Mar 19, 2016 2:59 am
niteowl wrote a review...



Hi there Swordfish! Niteowl here to review.

Overall, this is really cool, and it looks like you did some interesting things with the format. That can come off as gimmicky, but I think it works pretty well here. Let's dive in.

i cannot be high

and i know


Um...this sounds to me like being high from drugs. I think you could cut it altogether.

when i'm above the ground

i don't feel safe anymore

it's my safe place


The way this is written, it's unclear what "it's" is referring to. A slight rearrangement: "the ground is my safe place/above it/i don't feel safe anymore".

in the air, i can't grasp onto anything to hold onto

i can't grasp onto something to make me feel safe


The repeated "onto" makes this feel choppy. I would reword this by cutting at least one of them. Maybe "in the air, i can't hold onto anything/there's nothing i can grasp for safety".

you calm yourself down when you feel safe

the ground makes me feel safe.


Okay, so I understand punctuation is the poet's choice, but there's almost none in this entire poem except the comma in the quote above and the period here. Aley asked me to review this and she said you took out all the punctuation. Usually, I'm a standard punctuation kind of poet, but here I think you could actually use it in a cool way. Like you could use normal punctuation to make the reader feel grounded in some parts and feel "up in the air" without it.

i have never been on a plane

probably shouldn't be proud of that

and i'm not


which means i can never go to hawaii

i want to go to hawaii very much


I think this stanza has more punch if you take out the middle lines.

i used to be so scared

i refused to go on monkey bars

i thought the ground would disappear

and i could not hold on forever


Just quoting to say I love this. I was also not a fan of the monkey bars as a child haha. Though in my case, I would always try and fall and one time scraped my knee really bad.

yes

angel was scared of many things

including monkey bars


I thought the "yes" in the middle was strange. I'm also not sure about this verse overall...is "Angel" your name and thus we're suddenly switching to third person? I don't think you need this stanza.

as for spider webs

i never got to the top

i would fall on purpose just to touch the ground


Not sure what you mean by "spider webs" (might be a regional term?), but I love the last line.

but if i jumped

i wouldn't even have a surface to hold onto at all

i'm weird like that


This feels a little too rambly. I suggest cutting it.

push a landborn bug off a ledge

it probably won't live


Spellcheck is telling me "landborn" is not a word, and I agree it sounds weird. Still, I'm not sure what word would be an accurate replacement...wingless? Walking? Land-bound? I would chew on that. Aside from that, I like the ending.

Overall, this is a really unique poem with a strong voice. Keep writing! :D




User avatar
284 Reviews


Points: 4250
Reviews: 284

Donate
Fri Mar 18, 2016 8:26 pm
RubyRed wrote a review...



Hello, Swordfish! The format of your writing was very fun and eye-catching. Let me help you out here as much as I can though. First, you didn't capitalize anything and there wasn't any punctuation. Second, you put it with poems. If you're writing a poem it has to have a sort of beat but here it just seemed like you were talking about your life stories. You actually could make this into something very great if you went back and added rhythm. I feel like you could do a lot to help yourself and this poem out here. Just go back and add some caps, punctuation, and rhythm and you'll be good. Keep writing and never get discouraged!

~Keepwriting




Swordfish says...


One thing I want to say is that not all poems have to have punctuation unless it is used questionably. Caps and punctuation are absent intentionally. As for this poem, I wasn't looking for a beat. All that mattered to me was that it must not be choppy.



RubyRed says...


?



Willard says...


Hey, Keepwriting. You've been reminded this at least a hundred times by mods and other poets. You don't need punctuation in poetry, it's all poetic style. Poets can choose whether to use it or not. I've sent you the Punctuation in Poetry link three times before, and so have others. It's become a major role in your reviews.

I don't mean to sound harsh or mean at all. If I do, I apologize.



RubyRed says...


You don't. But you can't change my mind. Classic poetry will always be above modern. Since the people who wrote poetry back then actually cared about what they did with their words.



Kaylaa says...


Er, I'm pretty sure some classic poetry has also gone without punctuation and you're just being close-minded and refuse to realize that you're wrong and that poetry can be without punctuation.




Follow your inner moonlight; don't hide the madness
— Allen Ginsburg