Published June 23, 2009
Abel walked away from the fight.
He gathered some sticks, about twelve and bashed them together. A splint shot from the sticks and into the tinder. Fire. He sat, feeling the heat on his naked skin. Content.
He had walked away from the fight. And he felt content.
“Sorry,” he said.
“Sorry? Sorry? You walked away. You fucking walked,” the other one answered back.
“Sorry.”
“Sissies walk away, Abe. Sissies. Are you a sissie?”
“The better man walks away.”
The flames flickered in the firelight. He saw his reflection briefly, and winced.
He felt the other one stir. It was getting annoyed, angry, he sensed it under his skin. Abel was content.
“The better man kicks the crap out of the other one, Abey.”
Abel considered, “Perhaps. But I walked away.”
“I don’t think we understand each other. Cowardice. That’s what it is. Cowardice. Pure. Fucking. Cowardice. Are you a coward?”
“Was Hamlet a coward?”
The other one laughed, “Getting smart. Smart, yeah. Using smart talk. A smart coward, eh?”
Abel smiled, his hair was singing in the flames. He said, “yes, I’m smart. But I’m not a coward.”
“You are. You walked. You fucking walked.”
Abel rubbed his legs.
The other one said, “Get back there.”
“What?”
“Get back. Abe. Finish it. We don’t walk away, buddy.”
“Too late. I’ve walked.”
He felt a twinge of pain as the other one said, “Get. Back. Now. You do as I fucking say. You’re going to have to prove yourself to me. Prove yourself, yes? Go back and finish him.”
“I have finished him.”
Pause. “You said you walked.”
“I walked away. But I finished him.”
Abel smiled as the penny dropped. He glanced down and stared at the tinder. A human body, dead....
...but it didn’t matter because he had walked away. He was the better man.
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Hi there, thank you for your time but this piece isn't supposed to be realistic. It is an experimental piece - I know how to write a naturalistic style of story. This one is purposefully minimal, the style is almost a thought process of the character Abel.
There is only one character in this scene:Abel. He's talking to himself...
As for the repetition, that is also a deliberate device. This is a stand alone short story, not a greater work. Am I not allowed to break all the rules ?
The premise to the story is a reversal of the biblical story of Cain murdering his brother. What if Abel was a psychopath and things occurred differently?
Clearly everything I planned was missed lol.
This is a little awkward. Try 'He gathered about twelve sticks' or cut the 'about twelve' part altogether to make it read smoother. I'm not exactly sure what you mean by 'splint'. The 'Fire' and 'Content' are sort of random. I know what you mean, but it's not very clear. Also how do you make fire by bashing sticks together? It's more of a rubbing and it's a lot of work.
Yes, we've got that. You said that he walked away from the fight in the first sentence and you also mentioned that he was content in the last paragraph. We don't need to be told twice.
The other what?
I think you mean 'singeing' and not 'singing.'
It's an interesting idea, but I'm getting a bit of a headache. I don't know who's talking, what they look like, where they are, why he walked away, why he should go back. I know nothing except that two people are talking and one of them walked away from a fight. More description and more thought would definitely be a good idea. Some action wouldn't go amiss as well. It's not a good idea to have an endless line of dialogue without any action to tell me what the characters are doing and make them more lifelike.
This is a start, but it's not there.