Young Writers Society

Phorcys wrote:Im not a poet but heres one I wrote several years back

-----

When I see your ghostly figure,
I know it cannot be real,
For you are ?torn forever?,
I pray for you as I close my hands and on the floor I kneel.


I will pray for your soul as long as I live,
For I know what has happened,
The family scarred for evermore,
How my sorrow drifts by for them.


In my dreams not a thought goes by of happy times we've had,
Only terrors haunt me and sorrow passes for you that is cursed.

I have to be totally honest... this isn't my kind of poem. I don't enjoy reading stuff like this but seeing as yours was short and looked like it had potential I thought I would give it a try. It hasn't swayed me about how I feel about the "tradegy" type of writing etc but it has some good imagery. You can see where I have put two question marks.....
What do you mean by torn?? Is it his soul? Body???
Anyway, this needs room for improvement but don't give up on it sompletely. This could be something a lot better with some development xxxxxxxxx lexy xxxxxxx

I like it. It has that beautifully morose sound to it. Alright, time for critiquing.

For you are torn forever,

Instead of having yet another comma at the end of this line, try a period.

I pray for you as I close my hands and on the floor I kneel.

Compared to the lines above it, this line is very long. It would sound stronger if you made “and on . . .” a separate line.

For I know what has happened,

Instead of having yet another comma at the end of this line, try a period, dash, or colon.

The family scarred for evermore,

First off: forevermore is one word. Second: sorry I’m typing this again, but instead of having yet another comma, try a period or a semicolon.

In my dreams not a thought goes by of happy times we've had,

. . . I guess I just don’t like commas . . . try a period.

Well, that is all. Overall, it was well written. Kudos to you! I hope my critique helped. PM me if you have any questions.

***__THELUCKYFLOWER__***

By the way, I LOVE your avatar.