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125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Hello there , this is a boy from the Future to review your poem............
At first I'd like to say that this poem is great and contains a great message inside it. I really like this poem. This poem does not rhyme but still it express everything and sounds very soothing. You've shown Rain from two perspectives and it shows the maturity of yours in a positive sense. I could not find any grammatical mistake . I'd like to see more and even better in Future for you as you really possess the potential. All the best.
Keep up the good work and Keep writing
-gauravkundu32-
Hello there , this is a boy from the Future to review your poem............
At first I'd like to say that this poem is great and contains a great message inside it. I really like this poem. This poem does not rhyme but still it express everything and sounds very soothing. You've shown Rain from two perspectives and it shows the maturity of yours in a positive sense. I could not find any grammatical mistake . I'd like to see more and even better in Future for you as you really possess the potential. All the best.
Keep up the good work and Keep writing
-gauravkundu32-
So I would suggest that this poem does more of the thing at the bottom and less of the things at the top. Title it Rain Can... then omit rain can be from the start of every line, just start out with Be as, be as, wash away, be a, bring, and then the ending leave it as it is. This will get more into the thick of things. If you want, you can put Rain can be in the first part and then omit rain can be from the second stanza by combining the two stanzas and creating one 4 line stanza.
The main reason why I am suggesting this is because repetition can be really annoying, and it can also sound really immature because we are taught that poetry can be as simple as The sky is blue, the sky is full, the sky is cloudy, the sky is rainy, the sky is washing away our pain, etc. It is our job as mature poets to break this up and say The sky is cloudy, full, washing away our pain, rainy, etc. and make that into a poem instead of relying on repetition to do that.
Overall, I like how you introduce two things that are controversial close to one another, but I would seriously suggest combining things that are opposite into one stanza together, or put things that are good, then things that are bad, and then the last two lines, which I feel belong in a couplet. So two 4 line stanzas, and 1 two line stanza.
Hello Swiftfur,
EnchantedPanda here to review for you!
N'aww, this is so sweet. I love the way you've approached rainfall and compared it to positivity and negativity. The similes you've used in this are actually fantastic. I loved the way you almost take rain and turn it into a changing thing- destruction as apposed to lightness say. The shortness and simplicity of this actually made me smile- you've used simple language and haven't tried to turn your subject, rain, into more than it is. It's this truthfulness that helps make your poem stand out and have an effect on me, as a reader. I think you've actually nailed this as a sweet and simple poem. I really enjoyed the hazy and laid back imagery that you evoked with your simple but effective vocabulary. Overall I think you did a pretty good job with this.
One point that I will draw your attention to though is here;
In this last line I think the use of "gentle" was really unnecessary. It almost goes without staying that daisies are general nonviolent beings, and you would only need to use an adjective to describe a daisy is it was different or stood out from other daisies. In this case though. There's absolutely no need. If however, you do wish to include an adjective than I would suggest using something less cliche than gentle. It just really lacks any kind of punch and felt awkward in the poem.
Overall I thought this was pretty good. I really liked this and don't have any major criticism for you. This was a really sweet poem and there wasn't anything wrong with it to be honest. I look forward to reading more poetry from you, I enjoy your simple and relaxed style of writing and your keen eye for inspirational objects or things. If you want another review please PM me, i would be more than happy to review your work. Keep me posted!
From EnchantedPanda
Nice.
thanks!