Published March 19, 2013
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Canary word: Present
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139,679 Literary Works • 672,647 Reviews
Hello, Kyla here to review you. I think this poem holds truth, I like it!I am big on punctuation, you can ask someone whom I've reviewed before, I love punctuation in the right form.
I want to show you how I see it though, not to different. I'm here to help, so if I say something misleading, incorrect, or simply you disagree please tell me. I think that you misspelled color and you need a space between "," and "or". Now with that being said, I really don't think that "or" needs to be there. I think it looks better just:
Yes, I took out the ; because you are starting a new sentence differently than the first sentence. I think that you misspelled "piece". I thing that the ;s need to be removed. (Please excuse me, I can never remember what they are called.) I think this because you are starting sentences that don't match up with the ";". I think that even though you are going for a strong ending (it is though) I think that it should still have one period instead of several and peace not capitalized.
I really hope this helped, I love helping people so if you need anything else, just let me know.
Thank you so much Kyla. Ill improve my punctuation... as for 'colour' I used it because I am used to British English...
It truly helped... now ill know when to use my semicolons correctly...
thanks a lot:)
Sorry, didn't see what you said. You are very welcome, and I'm very glad I could be helpful.
I really like your poem
It shows the current frustrations or situations that people face but never find real peace.
Keep it up!
Hello Swarnima I hope you like it here at YWS.
I really do like this short piece of writing you might be right here but maybe not.
Any way what exactly is the point of this writing?
I really like this writing.
But if it is the prologue for a book it could have done better but it sounds a bit like a poem thing but only just a little.
Any way keep writing and good luck.
The idea behind the poem is good.
Speaking of the "Easier to .. " comparisons:
explain colour to the blind : Fine
to speak to the deaf : Fine
to forgive and forget : Good
to walk on fire :- The right choice to represent some difficult task. Good.
to slip on ice :-
skipping meals :-
to tame a lion :- Now that's something
to mold iron without it being heated. : How about the simpler : "to melt iron"?
carving a stone : Alright
catching a bumble bee :
making history : Fine
Also, I'll suggest some tweaks with the format.
Notice the repetitive use of "Easier to..." without a corresponding "than" (except at the end, which is the real idea of this poem). Technically appropriate, I agree, but dispersing the main idea throughout the poem would've made it more effective. I mean:
The format I suggest
and
The format you've used
What the suggested format does is tell us at intervals during the poem that where we're getting at. You see my point?
Keep writing and feel free to PM me for reviews (poetry).
Regards
S.
yes I got your point
.. It does sound better that way!... Thanks a lot for your honest and helpful review.... now you can count on me to ask you for reviews..... 