Chapter one
Why is it that I had forgotten that conversation with my friend that was so important? I didn’t want to do anything with this world; I was happy being alone. Then you brought me along. Your warm smile, your radiant composure, they made me feel alive. You were the one that reminded me of a life worth living, how life is fast and deserves every bit of laughter. That life is better with a person who could understand you, a friend. But, why can’t I understand you? Why can’t I read you like how you always notice my sorrows and struggles? Am I really that easy to read or are you going out of your way to understand me? Was I… really that important to you? All these questions cramped into my mind as I tried to search for answers. An answer to a selfish question from a sinful mind, “Was I…really that important to you?”
“What?” Alex said, a grin breaking through his utter confusion. “Where did that come from?”
I looked at him, waiting for an answer.
“Well, uhh… yeah. You are important to me,”
Alex sounded awkward but still had honesty in his answer, this made me skeptical.
“I’m being honest! It came from right here,” Alex insisted, gesturing to his chest. “Yeah.”
You really do understand me, don’t you Alex? I didn’t even say anything and yet…you still read me like a book. I looked away. It was strange, really. How could someone understand me so well without even trying. I should be glad…isn’t that what I’ve wanted all along? Sometimes, I wondered if Alex knew me better than I knew myself. And sometimes I wished he didn’t, it’d just show my vulnerability I’ve been mindlessly trying to hide. I–
“Hey.” Alex snapped my train of thought, “You still with me Gavin?’
“Oh, yeah.” I tried to hide my troubling thoughts with a smile, “Were you saying something?”
“No, you know” Alex paused, “you don’t have to hide your feelings with a smile. I’m always here to listen.” He grinned at me.
How considerate. How understanding he is. How utterly hypocritical he sounds. It was almost laughable hearing those words from him. Alex said it with that gentle smile of his, the one that seems to never falter no matter what happened. He spoke as though sadness was some sort of burden I’ve been needlessly carrying, as though all I had to do was set it down and allow others to see, to glimpse at my weakness. How easy it sounded when he put it that way, how convenient. What a joke. He could take one look at me and reveal everything I had spent years trying to conceal. The slightest hesitation, the smallest act, a smile that lingers a second too long is all it takes for him to read me like an open book left on a table.
Somehow he always knew. How does he know? He understood me with an ease that felt almost insulting. Yet when I look at him, all I saw was his warm smile that would fool me every time I glanced his way. How pathetic. He could see straight through me while I couldn’t even look past his warm, fake smile
* * *
I admit, my emotions got the best of me. I didn’t want Alex to see me as weak, it just all seems unfair. No, it was unfair. Unfair how he could read me like an opened book. Unfair how he could look at me and recognize every crack in my carefully constructed facade. Unfair how I ran away to avoid showing my weakness. And perhaps even more unfair that I wanted him to understand me. What a pathetic contradiction. I wanted him to see me for who I was, yet the moment he did, I hated myself for showing weakness. How annoying.
By the time I reached home, the sky had begun to darken. Stars slowly coming into view. I shut the door behind me as I leaned against it, letting the silence calm me. I looked over toward my bed, my room was exactly how I’d left it this morning: messy bed with unmade sheets, a half-emptied glass of water on my desk along with other leftover food I had left from my bed rotting days, and clothes scattered across the floor. Nothing had changed. I couldn’t bring myself to move. I eventually dragged myself toward my bed and collapsed on it, burying my face in the pillow. The fabric had lost its smell of detergent. it's ok…I don’t even like that smell anyways. I continued to bury my face in my pillow until I could barely breathe, and only then did I turn to my side. How nice, after all that nagging from Alex the pillow seems like a more merciful version of him. Though incapable of asking me what was wrong. I rolled onto my back and stared at the ceiling. It’s fine, I told myself. If Alex can understand me so easily, so be it. If I can’t even look past his warm smile, none the less read him, so be it. I squeezed my eyes shut.
“God, you’re insufferable,” I muttered. Whether I was referring to Alex or myself was a question I had no intention of answering. Not because I don’t want to, but because I myself don’t even know the answer.
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142,143 Literary Works • 676,748 Reviews
Hello!! This is the official chapter one of "I am Hollow". I had spent weeks trying to critique my own writing but I still feel like I still have something to improve. Please don't be afraid to strongly critique my work, I accept all criticism that will benefit me. Anyways, I hope you enjoy this. Chapter two would be out when I finally get enough point to publish. Svshi out!
Hello, Svshimi! Welcome to YWS
Happened should be happens. Followed by Present continuous (first dialogue) cannot be followed by past perfect (second dialogue). It's difficult to keep track of tenses, I know, but choose one and stick to it! The interjection of the monologue paragraph does not justify a tense change in any way. I recommend present continuous for this piece. The second part of the chapter is almost entirely past perfect or past continuous, while the first part of the chapter is largely present continuous. The incoherence is too much to get past.First impressions:
The chapter does two things at once and it handles both of them well. It introduces us to the MC's inner monologue and whatever trauma he's carrying, while also introducing us to Gavin's relationship with Alex. The inner monologue itself is well constructed, and the relationship is given a lot of texture and detail without much effort. The characters themselves also read like real people so far, so that's another plus point, and Gavin's read of Alex's understanding is quite realistic imo. This is all very good! I would happily read on to review
The being said...
There are quite a few hitches from a craft and writing POV. Every once in a while, you slip up with the tenses (Eg. using present continuous with past perfect in the same sentence); there is a LOT of telling and not enough showing; some sections come across as needlessly edgy; there are a few odd and incorrect writing choices here and there. Some examples follow.
First, the tense issues:
Second, the telling and not showing. This is the most egregious example, but all your large inner monologue paragraphs have something like this. Don't just be like "I'm so traumatised and I'm so vulnerable! oooh!"; that's also what I mean by kinda edgy. We can understand that Gavin is trying not to be vulnerable; the rest of the monologue does a good way of showing it. This line is not necessary at all!
Odd phrasing choices. This reads oddly; clunky and not in a good way. Consider streamlining. The "read like an opened book" metaphor shows up thrice in the chapter. Remove! As should be and. Again, these are just a few examples.
Overall:
Great story, but held back by issues in the writing. Would happily read more for review!