"My second child was born recently, a bit of a disappointment really. She was a nobody, no name and no status, nothing like Jack.”
"Who was this nameless woman you speak of?”
"I believe that the humans called her Nyline or something of the sort. Still in school and barely making it. A terrible choice, but something that was fairly interesting about her. She was marked with an angel’s blessing.”
"Ah, she had promise then. But what happened to her? If she had an angel’s blessing, she would have become an angel. Why wasn’t she turned into an angel?”
"Ha, my friend, when has it been like you to ask such moronic questions? Of course the answer is obvious, why would anyone fall to sin after being visited by an angel? I was there the whole time! Of course things were made a little more difficult since I had already given my ring to Jack. My power was diminished slightly, that angel only made things more difficult.”
"What was that angel doing there? They aren’t just sent down to anyone. What was so special about her?”
"She had HIS blessing. Seemed to have been born with it, what a misfortune. To be associated with angels from the moment you were born, tragedy really.”
"Who was she blessed by? Surely she couldn’t have been blessed by a high ranking angel. That'd be the only way for her to attain that gift.”
"No, I’m sure it was HIM who gave her HIS blessing. The angel was far too weak to be a high angel, nothing so pathetic could even dream to reach that status. Of course I put it in its place, just another spatter on the alley walls. Heh heh.”
"Heh, blood thirsty as always, eh, Collector? You could never resist a chance to shed blood.”
"Ha, I’ve enjoyed it since I was born. Something about it just made my blood tingle, it was like being born. No one expected a wonderful woman like her to give birth to me, but here I am as sinful as sin can be. Nothing is expected in this lifetime, but it always happens. But back to the subject at hand, Nyline, she was blessed with diligence, one of the seven virtues.”
"Yes, so do tell me the whole story of what happened.”
"New York, that’s where I first met her. She was just getting home from a long day of work and college. She had the best grades and the best ethic. Her blessing was blinding, like looking at the sun up close, hideous. I was waiting outside her apartment with a little, greeting of sorts.”
"What sort of greeting? A curse? A demon to plague her soul?”
"No, it had been one of my original children, you knew Belphegor. It was his anklet, broken from its ball and chain to fit modern fashion. She accepted of course, far too kind for my taste. Ha, she had no idea just what she was getting into.”
Indeed she didn’t. Whatever did you do to convince her to accept it? Surely she must have resisted taking it at first.”
"No, I was disguised as a beggar. An old man, dying of disease. She couldn’t help taking pity when I told her she looked like my beloved granddaughter and wanted her to have it. No, it was beyond her Christian teachings to refuse such a kindly offered gift.”
"Hahaha! To what length will those pathetic humans go to to be on God’s good side?”
"Humans know no bounds when it comes to earning HIS favor. I bet it almost broke HIS heart to see her torn apart from the inside out. First she stopped going to school, then work. Eventually she stopped living altogether, now her soul has even given up existence, no one but you, HIM and I knows she was ever there.”
"How did you ever get that item from Belphegor? That was his prized possession, his symbol if I dare say!”
"Well, being what I am, I was given the right to it. It was originally part of me after all, don’t worry. Belphegor grows stronger by the second as another falls to the sin of sloth. The anklet was only a seed of sorts. Meant to sprout sloth in the soul of a human, their energy going to my son as they fell.”
"A cruel method you have there, Collector. This applies to your other ‘sons’ I assume.”
"Yes, of course it does, why should you think otherwise? All being princes of Hell, it is only natural that what applies to one must apply to the others. Sadly, the others will take far longer to revive, the more power there is to regenerate the longer it takes.”
"That is true with all things in life. But please, go on with the story of Nyline. You haven’t told me what happened to her, but please make it quick; I have duties to do as a shinigami. I can’t stay here and listen to your tales for long. I came here to find some lost souls.”
"Belphegor visited her, offered her riches and gold without a bead of sweat. She accepted and her soul started growing lazy, eventually she collapsed in on herself. Her existence has been completely erased from the face of history, all but those involved have forgotten about her.”
"Ah, that would explain why I can’t find her soul. You wouldn’t happen to know where it is, would you? I can’t have another soul unaccounted for, they will scold me for it.”
"Oh, no need to worry. As long as they know who you’re associated with they wouldn’t risk touching you. But I must let you go. *cough* *cough* Lately my health has been failing me, I must rest.”
"Yes, I must be going, I need to report to them. I thank you for your time. Good bye.”
Without another word the shinigami dissipated into the misty air surrounding them leaving the Collector alone. He spat blood from his mouth, grimacing at his terrible health. The third was ready, and he needed to go prepare.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,682 Literary Works • 672,648 Reviews
Whoot whoot! we change this one, so check 'er out again!
yes, yes we did. whoooo...oooot... B)
Helloooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
Here to review, as requested. I see now the theme of this thingy that you're doing. The Seven Deadly Sins, no?
I didn't find the character, this Nyline, particularly interesting here, but we learnt more about the two narrators and so that more than made up for it. I like the way that you chose a famous villain for one of the bits and then a nobody (I think) for the other.
I also like the way you've got more about the souls in here, and a bit more about these two characters, while still retaining the mystery. I hope that you'll continue to give us little clues until it all, or nearly all, becomes clear at the end. This is a really good, interesting little piece.
Now, I've forgotten which one of you was italics and which wasn't but I'll give you a bit of separate advice:
Italics! - most of your grammar and sentence structure and spelling were really good, but I found a few problems in this one little section:
“Ha, I’ve enjoyed it since I was born. Something about it just made my blood tingle, it was like being born. No one expected a wonderful woman like her to give birth to me, but here I am as sinful as sin can be. Nothing is expected in this lifetime, but it always happens. But back to the subject at hand, Nyline, she was blessed with diligence, one of the seven virtues.”
At the start of this, I don't like the repeat of 'born'. Can you not find some other way to describe one of them? Something like 'I've always enjoyed it' or 'it was like sfal;gh;sghas;h;shg'. And then:
"No one expected a wonderful woman like her to give birth to me, but here I am as sinful as sin can be."
This rhymes. Probably accidental. Anyway, there's just something a little bit awkward about rhymes in prose. Also, ooh, this is interesting.
"But back to the subject at hand, Nyline, she was blessed with diligence, one of the seven virtues."
So they've got some opposition? People handing out the seven virtues? Interesting... Anyway, the sentence would make more sense and be nicely punctuated like this:
"But back to the subject at hand: Nyline. She was blessed with diligence, one of the seven virtues."
At the moment it looks like a subordinate clause which doesn't make grammatical sense.
NOw, non-italics! :
"This nameless women.”
Women is plural. I'm pretty sure you mean the singular 'woman'.
"“Yes, so do tell me the whole story of what happened.”"
This sentence feels a tad awkwardly worded.
That's all I've got for you guys! This is a great story, you guys are great writers! You guys are awesome! I love your stuff! Give me more, soon, please!
Awesome, we shall try to learn more, maybe I should take more grammar classes. (might not help me, I'm a lost cause) I'll tell Noel to check this out, will keep tips in mind!
Oh, a good story makes my bones tremble! I loved the first one, but this one is so impressive! I love the idea, and the entire gist of it. It makes me yearn for more of the story and just hope it continues!
Well, fist off I admit I am not sure I see any spelling mistakes which is definitely a good thing. I can'y say much for myself ;D well, I do enjoy the way you express the vocabulary and I love the characters but maybe go into more depth with where Nyline went? Is she part of Belphegor now or is she just gone forever, never to be found? It creates a bit of mystery but it also creates many different paths down too many roads. Maybe point the reader in a certain direction then let them drift off on their own, eh?
The next part I admire is the way the mystery shrouds them. I mean, who are they? a court of Heaven? a Team of the places in between or a story writer at the gates of Hell itself? I'm sure the teller with his son is Satan and oh, what an impressive person! I can see the ending leading to an internal war in the bloody fire of the Underworld. If Satan dies, which one of the many princes shall replace such an evil spirit? Where would his soul go, or can he fall to the mistress of Death herself at all!? Is she one of his daughters or is she another being all her own? Oh, so many possible ways but all of it so interesting and all leading back to one place, correct?
I would love to read more if there is another part and please,post on my wall if anything else is written about such a thing! Ill definitely write a review!!
Hi Sushi and Noel!
I really like that you spent about five days writing this, it shows. I don’t see a whole lot of dialogue-restricted short stories, but if done correctly they can be pretty amazing. I think what you both have managed to create is remarkable. The key to great writing is rewriting, and you've done just that. You wrote about something you were interested in or passionate about, so you no doubt had fun creating it and overcoming challenges; that effort alone – in trying to entertain an audience – is enough for me to really admire the work.
I also like how the text shifts from bold to italic with the character change. Usually you can tell who the next character is, but this made it stand out in a unique way. I thought overall, it was short and sweet. I wouldn't change anything. I think adding narration could be an option, but might ruin this specific work.
I can’t wait to read more from you both!
Kora
Thank you soooo much! Noel and I both appreciate it greatly. Have you read the one before this "Lust"? Pretty explanatory, if you haven't please do, we would really like to hear more about what you think about our work. More shall be coming!
thxs for your comment! all i can say is that it is fun working with sushi, but we sometimes argue about what happens next. hahaha! anyways, enjoy/read our next installment (maybe 10 days? idk.)
So not ten days, more like 20, at most, if we're lucky then we might get ten.
Hello, darling mentee of mine! 'Tis LadyPurple to review your work! Let us begin!
humans go to to be on God’s good side?
You used the word 'to' too many times! But that's ok!
I can’t have another soul unaccounted for, the others will scold me for it
Let's talk about comma splices! See that comma after 'for'? Let's pretend a semicolon is there. That would be how to fix a comma splice. I'm not sure how important it is to actually fix a comma splice. I think it goes undetected by many. It even slips by me sometimes. But a comma splice is when two complete sentences can be bridged together with a semicolon.
If that makes sense explained that way.
Onto the story! I do find it interesting. I don't know how to quite review dialogue only stories other than to say maybe a little descriptive stuff outside of dialogue would help readers understand it better.
Keep writing, mentee lady!!!
~LP
Oh, yeah. I kinda forgot to tell you that there'a another story that comes before this, hee hee. Lust is what we called it. Thank you so much for the review!
HIYA! Noel here to say, Sushi-san and me spent lik, 5 days on this(well, mostly cause i couldn't get on, but not the point). So yeah, we're proud of this, so, enjoy =)
Yes, then we deleted the whole thing and did it again! Ha ha ha ha! So much effort went into this guy, please enjoy!