Chapter One
Alex’s POV
"What do you guys want from Culvers?"asks my grandma to my cousin Leah and I.
"I'll have a plain double cheeseburger and cheese balls." I say.
"I'll have Chicken stripes and cheese balls." Leah says.
"I am getting only one cheese ball, and Clare wants a corn dog." Me and Leah nod our heads.
"I'll be back in a half an hour." She says and walks out the door.
"Alright, I'm gonna get changed because I will probably want to go outside later. After I change, want to watch Dan and Phil?" Leah nodded her head and ran into the computer room. I go into my bedroom and change from my purple nightgown to a t-shirt and skort. I put on my black converses that I wrote Allons-y on. I then walk out of the room and go to the one next door and shut the door.
3rd POV
The Doctor frantically runs around the TARDIS, trying to figure out what was wrong. The TARDIS was spinning around through the time vortex trying to get to a place impossible, a parallel universe. The TARDIS finally lands somewhere unknown…
Alex’s POV
"OTP means one true pairing. Mine is Dalteasers. I pause the video because me and laughing so hard because we know what happens. Leah is on the floor laughing and crying. While she's laughing, I hear an all too familiar noise.
"Leah, be quiet." I say and she stops laughing. She gasps and I take it that she heard it too. I run out of the chair and open the door, then slam it and run out of the front door with Leah on my tail. We look over the white railing and see it. The TARDIS. We run down the wooden stairs that lead to the grassy backyard and run towards it.
"How much do you think it cost Uncle Tim to make it and include the TARDIS noise?" Leah asks.
"I don't know, hundreds maybe thousands of dollars." I say examining it.
"I'm gonna knock on the door. " Leah says.
"Okay." I say and look to the back of it. This was an amazing replica. Everything about it was perfect.
" Alex..." Leah says.
"What?" I say looking at my cousin whose eyes looked like they were about to pop out of her head and her mouth gaping open. I return to the front and couldn't believe my eyes.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,012 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Hey there, yizhongt here to leave a review. This is an interesting story, but you have a number of grammatical corrections to make. Let us be
" What do you guys want from Culvers?" My grandma asks my cousin Leah and I.
Correction: "What do you guys want from Culvers?" asked grandma to my cousin, Leah and I.
"I'll have a double cheeseburger plain and cheese balls." I say.
Correction: "I'll have a plain double cheeseburger and cheese balls," I said.
"I'll have Chicken stripes and cheese balls." Leah says.
Correction" "I'll have chicken stripes and cheese balls," Leah said.
" I am getting only one cheese ball, and Clare wants a corn dog. " Me and Leah nod our heads.
Correction: " I am getting only one cheese ball, and Clare wants a corn dog, " me and Leah nodded our heads.
" I'll be back in a half an hour." She says and walks out the door.
Correction: " I'll be back in a half an hour," she said and walked out the door.
" Alright, I'm gonna get changed because I will probably want to go outside later. After I change, want to watch Dan and Phil? ". Leah nodded her head and ran into the computer room. I go into my bedroom and change from my purple nightgown to a t-shirt and skort. I put on my black converses that I wrote Allons-y on. I then walk out of the room and go to the one next door and shut the door.
Correction: I then walked out of the room and went to the one next door, and shut the door.
3rd POV
The Doctor frantically runs around the TARDIS, trying to figure out what was wrong. The TARDIS was spinning around through the time vortex trying to get to a place impossible, a parallel universe. The TARDIS finally lands somewhere unknown…
Correction: The Doctor frantically ran around the TARDIS, trying to figure out what was wrong. The TARDIS was spinning around through the time vortex trying to get to an impossible place, a parallel universe. The TARDIS finally landed somewhere unknown…
Alex’s POV
" OTP means one true pairing. Mine is Dalteasers . I pause the video because me and laughing so hard because we know what happens. Leah is on the floor laughing and crying. While she's laughing, I hear an all too familiar noise.
Note: I'm not sure what you're trying to say with the second sentence, it feels incomplete.
Correction: Leah was on the floor laughing and crying. While she was laughing, I heard and all too familiar noise.
" Leah, be quiet." I say and she stops laughing. She gasps and I take it that she heard it too. I run out of the chair and open the door, then slam it and run out of the front door with Leah on my tail. We look over the white railing and see it. The TARDIS. We run down the wooden stairs that lead to the grassy backyard and run towards it.
Correction: "Leah, be quiet," I said. She stopped laughing. She gasped and I took it that she heard it too. I ran out of the chair and opened the door, then slammed it and ran out of the front door with Leah on my tail. We looked over the white railing and saw it, the TARDIS. We ran down the wooden stairs that led to the grassy backyard and ran towards it.
" How much do you think it cost Uncle Tim to make it and include the TARDIS noise?" Leah asks.
" I don't know, hundreds matey thousands of dollars." I say examining it.
Correction: "I don't know, hundreds matey thousands of dollars, "I said while examining it.
" I'm gonna knock on the door. " Leah says.
Correction: I'm gonna knock on the door," Leah said.
" Ok. " I say and look to the back of it. This was an amazing replica.
Correction: replace I say with I said.
" Alex..." Leah says.
Correction: replace Leah says with Leah said.
" What?" I say looking at my cousin whose eyes looked like they were about to pop out of her head and her mouth gaping open. I return to the front and couldn't believe my eyes.
Correction:" What?" I said looking at my cousin whose eyes looked like they were about to pop out of her head. Her mouth was also wide open. I returned to the front and couldn't believe my eyes.
As you can see, there is quite a bit of work to be done. Don't be discouraged though, you have an interesting story, but you have to work on your grammatical errors, as the readers interest your story might wane because of the many mistakes. Another thing, please work on your past and present tenses, the story was riddled with past and present tense error.
Anyways, keep on writing !
Hello, Timegirl! cleverclogs here to review!
I'm a major fan of Doctor Who, as you can probably tell from my avvie. I read a lot (I mean a LOT) of fanfiction, so I've gotten to be quite discriminating. I have to say, I didn't really like this. Let's go through the reasons why.
1. Grammar
There are some grammar issues with this. First of all, the thing that the previous reviewer pointed out is absolutely correct. There shouldn't be any space between the quotation mark and the quoted speech. It seems like such a small thing, but leaving those spaces there is kind of like the visual equivalent of nails on chalkboard. And by that I mean it's very unpleasant to read. So please go ahead and fix that.
You also switched tenses a lot, too. The parts from Alex's point of view are in present tense, but the part in the TARDIS switches between past and future tense.
The first sentence here is in past tense, but the second is in present tense. Make sure you pay attention to these! Pick one, and stick with it throughout. If sometimes accidentally switch, proofreading can help you catch mistakes like that.
Also, I spotted a typo.
Matey should be maybe. Otherwise it sounds like pirates or something XD
There are other minor grammatical mistakes, like missing commas and whatnot, but I think that if you spend a good chunk of time proofreading this, you can probably catch those on your own.
2. Story
This whole scene bothers me. There's no real description. There's not even a hint of which Doctor it is. I kept imagining the eleventh, but for all I know you could have been writing about a future, non-canon doctor! It reads more like a cue from one of the scripts than an actual story. Add more description and dialogue. The Doctor talks to himself a lot. Have him talk to the TARDIS, say like "oh, that's not good," anything that will help set up the scene a bit more. As for the TARDIS landing somewhere unknown, how about the Doctor's reaction to that, instead of just telling us? This paragraph is kind of weird, because for most of the story, you have a pretty good grasp on showing and not telling, but not for this. The lack of description kind of makes it feel rushed. I think I've dithered on about this tiny little paragraph enough, so I'll just conclude by saying, "rewrite it".
I'm also not a fan of the POV switches. If you have to stop in the middle of a chapter to tell us that the POV is changing, you're probably changing them too much. Try to restrict any POV changes to at least the start of a new chapter. Maybe put the TARDIS scene in a separate chapter, as backstory to how the Doctor got in the girls' world.
It seems a bit awkward to me how the girls immediately assume that the TARDIS was a replica built by their uncle, given that we as readers know nothing about their uncle. Maybe try to fit him into the conversation somewhere, so that it doesn't seem as out-of-the-blue.
I'm not really buying the cliffhanger. The reader already knows what's going to happen. The point of having a cliffhanger is to resolve it in an unexpected way, like the Doctor not regenerating at the beginning of Journey's End. (Hopefully not as anticlimactic as that, though). I would recommend taking it far enough to have the Doctor introduce himself, and then leave the reader to ponder the implications of that as they wait for the next chapter.
The story seems kind of rushed. Like there's not enough buildup. I think that the solution to this lies in the aforementioned TARDIS scene. If you can give us more information about what's happening in the TARDIS, it won't feel quite as weird when the TARDIS suddenly lands in the girls' yard.
As for the plot itself: Eh, I'm never really a fan of these types of fics. I prefer ones that focus on the characters that already exist, rather than bringing in new ones. However that's purely a personal preference. I'm just not the audience that you're writing this for, and I understand that. So, really, it's the nature of this story that I dislike, not necessarily the quality of your writing. My feedback is meant to improve that, not to change your whole plot.
Your descriptions outside of the TARDIS scene were pretty good. You do a decent job of showing and not telling. I do think you could try to show a bit more of what the girls are doing while waiting for the food. That would help it feel not as rushed.
Yeah, so overall, I didn't like this. This review might have seemed harsh, but I hope that my feedback helps you improve this story. Don't be discouraged, and keep on writing!
{Ignore this;double post}
This is very interesting;I like this! But, as this is a review, here I go. In the second Alex's POV, 'I pause the video because me and laughing so hard because we know what happens.' This part is extremely confusing. I'm not sure if this was intentional, or a mistake. Also, as AnnGrace said, you add spaces many times between the quotes. Besides that, this is great!
Intriguing! (that's how you spell it right?) Anyway, I'm interested. Some minor spelling and grammar errors, but nothing serious. Also, when you do quotes, (when your characters are talking to each other) You did it like this.
" Ok. " I say and look to the back of it.
It should be,
"Ok." I say and look to the back of it.
The quotation marks around the "Ok", should not have a space between it and the word. That was pretty much all.