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Too Late

by SupernaturalFangirl


Here I stand, at the edge. Staring down at the ants twenty or so stories below me. Contemplating my next move.

Do I jump?

Hell, if I did, I'd finally get the attention I've been wanting ever since my mother left me. Right now, my dad is probably drunk of his ass, not even realizing I've left. All he cares about is his fifth of whiskey and the Seattle Seahawks.

He wouldn't miss me...

No one will...

"Hey!" I heard behind me, the sound of the unfamiliar voice awakening me. "What the hell are you doing?!" He advanced on me; I could hear his feet.

"What I should have done forever ago," I replied, and stepped over the edge.

The wind chilled me, almost pained me with the force it used against me. But gravity brought me down.

My screams were silent. In the movies, you could hear the shrill sound of terror the people would make, but me? Maybe the wind was too loud. I don't know.

I can see the concrete below me. Although my eyes are squinted, tighter than a sore muscle, I can see it.

And that's when I realized. My dad is this way because my mother's gone. He's just dreading her disappearance; unlike me, who's too busy thinking I'm a worthless mistake who no one loves, when really, my father just wants it all back to normal, like me.

That's when I realized he would miss me, and that I would have had a lot to look forward to. But it's too late.

I can feel the concrete.


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Mon Sep 07, 2015 9:26 am
Lightsong wrote a review...



Hey, I'm here to review! I'm interested with this suicide theme as I want to know your perspective on it.

First, the suggestions;

Spoiler! :
"Hey!" I heard behind me, the sound of the unfamiliar voice awakening me. "What the hell are you doing?!" He advanced on me; I could hear his feet.


Well, firstly the protagonist says she hears an unfamiliar voice, and proceeds to the voice owner - a male - is advancing on her. You need to transit the point of hearing "unfamiliar voice" to hearing "male voice". Here's what I got:

"Hey!" I heard behind me, the sound of the unfamiliar male voice awakening me. "What the hell are you doing?!" He advanced on me; I could hear his feet.


See? I just add in "male" in there.

My screams were silent. In the movies, you could hear the shrill sound of terror the people would make, but me? Maybe the wind was too loud. I don't know.

I can see the concrete below me. Although my eyes are squinted, tighter than a sore muscle, I can see it.


Tenses inconsistency! First you use past tense, the second you use present. There are other parts like this too - I think you need to check them and stick with one tense.


Now, for the plot;

While this scene is interesting, and the protagonist's thought process is also interesting, it doesn't fit itself as a short story. A short story needs to have beginning, climax, ending, etc., and here, there's no beginning - we are brought to the middle of the story. Because of that, the tidbits about her father and her mother's death is not satisfyingly explained given the short length of it. The foundation of her suicide is not strong enough because there's nothing before she's on the roof to tell us.

Also, while falling down, you don't actually think - or realize - that your father actually misses you. You are caught by the situation - you're falling, you should be panic, should be scared, and shouldn't be able to think at all. If you make it that she faces the real fear of suicide and never really wants it, and wake up and realize it's a dream, you can put in the realization of her father actually missing her at that point. Not during her fall, since she's not in the situation to be able to think.

And that's all! I do hope you give more perspective on this suicide theme and not just "I want to die because life sucks" and then there's the attempted contrasting view in the form of the boy that says "what are you doing?". This is a nice effort, though, and just with a bit more of exploration, it can give the impact you want on readers.




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Tue Jul 07, 2015 10:54 pm
tabapugh52 wrote a review...



That was certainly a fantastic piece to read considering I have read a lot of short stories covering suicide and the amount of writers who talk their characters out of it or just end the scene with them crying. I really enjoyed how the story didn't linger in the moment or on inappropriate details. However I would thoroughly suggest describing her emotions a little more, even no emotion can be described into a master piece. A story is what we make of it, don't waste the chance to create something your proud of :)




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Mon Jun 15, 2015 10:08 am
artybirdy wrote a review...



You have presented a good idea here, and I can understand the message in it. Suicide is never right and those contemplating it, have to understand that their actions can be hurtful to people close to them. Your character realises it but, as the title says, it's already too late. I guess, she's too caught up in her emotional turmoil that she doesn't see the facts clearly.

However, I'd ask you to give a little more insight into her feelings/emotions. Is she scared? Relieved? Hopeful?

That aside, this is an excellent short piece! I enjoyed reading it.

Well done, and keep writing!




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Sat Jun 13, 2015 6:04 am
willachilles wrote a review...



Boom. She's dead.

Hey, Will here.

Interesting...interesting. It all went really, really fast. It was sentence after sentence.

Isn't that every book? SHUT UP.

It. Was. Just. Like. This. Sort. Of. Actually. It. Sort. Of. Added. To. The. Effect. But. Not. Too. Much.

Okay, let me actually review this.

Here I stand, at the edge. Staring down at the ants twenty or so stories below me. Contemplating my next move.


Cool. So she's thinking what to do next? As in, how she want's to suicide? I can imagine her thoughts,

Should I jump sideways, or normally? What if I make it seem like I just slipped? Nah just kidding. Delete that sentence. Unnecessary. Or you could change it like what I've done below.

For this paragraph (?), I recommend you re-write it like this.

I stand here at the edge, staring down at the ant-like figures twenty or so stories below me. It was simple what I had to do. Step off the edge.

Something like that.

Do I jump?


If you do what I did above, this sentence will have to go.

Hell, if I did, I'd finally get the attention I've been wanting ever since my mother left me. Right now, my dad is probably drunk of his ass, not even realizing I've left. All he cares about is his fifth of whiskey and the Seattle Seahawks.

He wouldn't miss me...

No one will...


Change this paragraph to match up with the other so something like...

One step to get the attention I've always wanted ever since my mother left me. I felt my eyes welling up at the thought of my mother. What a lovely person she was, compared to my dad, who is probably drunk of his ass, not even realizing I've left. All he cares about is his fifth of whiskey and the Seattle Seahawks. Has he ever looked at me and paid attention to me? No. Never. He wouldn't miss me. No one will.

"Hey!" I heard behind me, the sound of the unfamiliar voice awakening me. "What the hell are you doing?!" He advanced on me; I could hear his feet.


Who was this guy? How did he get on top of the building? Wait a second - how did the character get on top of the building?! This is getting crazy.

"What I should have done forever ago," I replied, and stepped over the edge.


Error 404. Change this.

"What I should have done a long time ago," I replied, and stepped over the edge.

The wind chilled me, almost pained me with the force it used against me. But gravity brought me down.


I would write this like:

The journey felt like minutes. The wind pushed against me, with its chill, and gravity brought me down.

My screams were silent. In the movies, you could hear the shrill sound of terror the people would make, but me? Maybe the wind was too loud. I don't know.


This paragraph doesn't really make sense...as in I don't know why it's here. I think it would be better to just leave it out.

I can see the concrete below me. Although my eyes are squinted, tighter than a sore muscle, I can see it.


Good one.

And that's when I realized. My dad is this way because my mother's gone. He's just dreading her disappearance; unlike me, who's too busy thinking I'm a worthless mistake who no one loves, when really, my father just wants it all back to normal, like me.

That's when I realized he would miss me, and that I would have had a lot to look forward to. But it's too late.

I can feel the concrete.


NOW THIS IS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT! I love this paragraph. In fact, I would only change one thing.

And that's when I realized. My dad is this way because my mother's gone. He's just dreading her disappearance; unlike me, who's too busy thinking I'm a worthless mistake who no one loves, when really, my father just wants it all back to normal, like me.

That's when I realized he would miss me, and that I would have had a lot to look forward to.

But it's too late.


So the whole story as I would write it would be:


I stand here at the edge, staring down at the ant-like figures twenty or so stories below me. It was simple what I had to do. Step off the edge.

One step to get the attention I've always wanted ever since my mother left me. I felt my eyes welling up at the thought of my mother. What a lovely person she was, compared to my dad, who is probably drunk of his ass, not even realizing I've left. All he cares about is his fifth of whiskey and the Seattle Seahawks. Has he ever looked at me and paid attention to me? No. Never. He wouldn't miss me. No one will.

"Hey!" I heard behind me, the sound of the unfamiliar voice awakening me. "What the hell are you doing?!" He advanced on me; I could hear his feet.

"What I should have done a long time ago," I replied, and stepped over the edge.

The journey felt like minutes. The wind pushed against me, with its chill, and gravity brought me down.

I can see the concrete below me. Although my eyes are squinted, tighter than a sore muscle, I can see it.

And that's when I realized. My dad is this way because my mother's gone. He's just dreading her disappearance; unlike me, who's too busy thinking I'm a worthless mistake who no one loves, when really, my father just wants it all back to normal, like me.

That's when I realized he would miss me, and that I would have had a lot to look forward to.

But it's too late.

And that's it! Yeah, that took a looooonnngggg time.

-willachilles




ThePhoenix says...


...
"Isn't that every book?"


I hope you're not trying to copy me Will... :D
Jk

BUT TALKING TO YOUR BRAIN IS OUR THING! Well, it's your thing but... WHATEVER!



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Wed Jun 10, 2015 8:59 pm
NovaRed says...



This is very interesting. I have to say I've never read a story where the character regrets suicide. The idea is new to me. However be warned, stories of suicide can sometimes make people sad. So next time you might want to put a small warning.
Also, you should be a bit more descriptive about the fall. I understand it can be hard for readers to read such a thing, or writers to write it, but to me, being descriptive about what is happening could help the reader understand more.

Over all this was a good story. Keep up the good work!

-NovaRed




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Wed Jun 10, 2015 7:10 pm
cookie64 wrote a review...



Hello, this is Cookie64 for a review.

I have to say, this is very short and lacks a plot or character development. I'll tell you this, you would make an awesome poet! I like the way you use a lot of feeling into this but, this shouldn't be classified as a story. More like a scene from a book. Put this in a book and you'll be good to go.

-Cookie 64




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Wed Jun 10, 2015 6:15 pm
yellow wrote a review...



Hello there! CaptainSalty here with a review!

I do have to say, that this is very blunt. There is no detail, it just feels so boring. A girl jumps off of a building, the end. Not only with that, there are also some errors that just sound too weird to say.

Here I stand, at the edge. Staring down at the ants twenty or so stories below me. Contemplating my next move.


What I would to here, instead of ending the second sentence, I would replace a comma with the period and put the word 'while' before 'contemplating.'

That's when I realized he would miss me, and that I would have had a lot to look forward to. But it's too late.


NEVER begin a sentence with the word 'but.' It's just a big no-no in the writer's world.

I can feel the concrete.


How can she feel the concrete? Isn't she dead? I would change that.

Well, you did have a good attempt, but I would add more depth and detail, and fix those nitpicks. Don't give up and always write, SupernaturalFangirl!

-CaptainSalty





"Perhaps it is better to wake up after all, even to suffer, rather than to remain a dupe to illusions all one's life."
— Kate Chopin, The Awakening