Forgotten Promises- prologue

by Supermeggs12

Published February 5, 2013

In Starving for Perfection

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On a Sunday evening, two sisters played on the swings in their front yard just before dinner.

Both of them appeared rather young, and they both shared the same long caramel hair, and light green eyes, but differed very much in facial features. Neither a tear nor a wince showed on their faces. They both appeared to be having the time of their lives, giggling every time the swing went down, and screaming when it flew up. "It's your turn to push me now!" the older one ordered. The younger sister, clearly frustrated stomped over, and with all her strength, pushed her sister right off the swing, sending her into the mud.

"How dare you!" She barked.

"You have a mud face now!" she said, not intimidated by the slightest.

Regardless of their quarrel, they both hugged, immediately forgetting the last five seconds they had shared. The sisters shared a very close bond. They did everything together. And they both had planned their double weddings down to the last detail. The reason for them being so close wasn't just because they were sisters, but best friends also.

"Come on, girls! It's time for dinner." A middle aged woman ordered.

The older sister rose up speedily, brushing the dirt off her skirt, and pushing a lock of hair behind her ears. The younger sister followed reluctantly behind. The mother mindfully examined daughters' stained clothing, and then quickly ran them upstairs to change. After they were finished, she rushed them down for supper.

"Dear God, I am thankful for my lovely wife, and beautiful daughters. Please bless this food, amen." The Father prayed.

The father began chewing down large bites of his stake, the Mother and the younger sister proceeded  with same. While the older sister quietly munched down on her broccoli. The sisters held hands up under the table.

"May, we watch the television?" The older sister asked.

"Sure? Why not?" the father said hesitantly. 

The younger sister clapped with excitement, and slowly advanced towards the television. She pressed down at the top of television, allowing it to immediately turn on. On the television, there was a documentary about a young girl who had developed anorexia. A foreign topic to these sisters, especially the youngest.

"Mommy, what's wrong with that girl?" The youngest questioned. The mother desperately turned to the father unsure of what to say.

"Who wants dessert?" the father attempted to change the subject. 

The mother sighed, "She has an eating disorder, which is terrible."

"But isn't that a good thing?" the older sister sister said.

"Not if your unhealthily skinny. It's a very dangerous disease, even more so at your age. It could even kill you." The father said, knowingly touching both of his daughters's soft spots about death.

Long after dinner was finished and the sisters were tucked into bed, the younger sister was still somewhat perplexed, "I don't know how someone could just not eat."

"Sometimes, when you want something so bad, you will do anything for it." The older sister explained.

"Okay, fine. But you have to promise me you won't ever develope an eating disorder." The younger sister said.

"I promise." She said frankly. She reached over and grabbed the cup of water on the night stand. 

It would be almost a decade later until she realized her sister had lied.

 

Comments & reviews · 3
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Lulu93 Comment
Lulu93 commented Comment · Feb 9, 2013

This is a good prologue. I think the grammar needs to be looked over again but it seems very interesting so far. However, I think you should elaborate a bit more on the relationship between the sisters. They seem close, but it should be developed more. Please write more.

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veeren
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veeren wrote a review Review · Feb 5, 2013

Hey there, Supermeggs :D

Spoiler
On a Sunday envening


That should be 'evening'.

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playing on a swing just before dinner time in their front yard.


This is phrased awkwardly. I'd put it like this: playing on the swings in their front yard just before dinner time.

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and the other a tad younger,


This is unnecessary, obviously if one is older, then the other is younger.

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both hugged immediately


There should be a comma after hugged.

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brushing the dirt on her skirt,


Most people brush dirt off their clothing, not on it.

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While the older sister


You don't need the word 'While'.

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"May, we watch


You don't need the comma.

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immediately cut on.


Most people, at least where I'm from, turn the TV on, and cut the TV off.

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to this sisters


'This' should be 'these'.

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what to say."


You put a quotation mark their for some reason.

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which is terrible.".


You put a period there for some reason.

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But have to


You're missing a 'you' before 'but'.

The rest was fine.
I think was great for a prologue, I just hope you don't continue writing this way; Saying 'the mother' and 'the father' and 'the younger sister', gets annoying. I hope you'll give everyone names so we can connect with the characters better.
You're a great writer, so keep up the good work.

Thank you very much for the review, I won't continue writing like this. Just not saying the names was apart of my illusion.

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guineapiggirl
Review
guineapiggirl wrote a review Review · Feb 5, 2013

Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh, interesting.
Hello! You're new! Welcome to YWS! I hope you're enjoying yourself here!
I'm Guineapiggirl and I'm here to review!
So. I think this is quite an interesting little prologue. However, along with the title, we really know everything this story's going to be about; a girl's battle with anorexia/bulimia. Unless there's going to be some sort of twist, you've given it all away now. To make me want to read on, you've got to tell me some stuff, but not everything.

One sister was slightly older, and the other a tad younger, falling somewhere between the ages of six and ten.

This line irritated me. Can you not just tell us their ages, or else just leave it at young girls.
Other than this overly-outside-narrator feel (like you're a stranger watching them) which you show again when you describe the mum as a middle aged woman, probably their mother (can't you just leave it at middle aged woman? or say a middle aged woman; their mum?) i really like this opening. You've got some good description and you've captured the childlike innocence they have.
Another thing that annoyed me was a your mistake.
"Not if your unhealthily skinny.

You mean you're, the abbreviated form of you are, not your, the possessive.

One thing that i thought was quite clever was the sort of hints you give that the older sister is already sort of conscious about weight. She plays with her broccoli, she thinks being really skinny is a good thing. It's good. If you left it at that without the last line and had a slightly different title and made the anorexia documentary seem a less significant thing then that could be really subtle and good.
I hope I've helped a bit!
And again, welcome to YWS!

Thanks! I will make sure I take care of all of these things very well!



Perfection is lots of little things done well.
— Marco Pierre White