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An ode to shoestrings.

by SuperJacobBice96


Oh, shoestring!

What do
without you?

Oh, shoestring!

Dangling,
tangling.

Oh, shoestring!


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Points: 4091
Reviews: 118

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Sat Apr 04, 2015 6:44 am
Reet3103 wrote a review...



Heyy.

Okay, this was not so amazing, but if you look at it as children's poetry, it was pretty good. Your rhyme scheme wasn't so brilliant though. Title, not catchy, well maybe I understand it is a different genre, so it might suit up to you.

I think it should be "what to do, without you?" because "what do" didn't really seem appropriate.

Overall it was a good try. I'd like to see more of what you can do. Review more and earn points and publish something. You have potential, maybe.

Keep writing and keep smiling :)




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Sat Apr 04, 2015 3:10 am
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Dracula wrote a review...



Hello, SuperJacobBice96! Welcome to the Young Writers Society! I hope you have fun. :D

This was a really cute piece. I can definitely imagine little kids singing it to a tune and performing actions. I'm wondering about your inspiration for this piece, did you look down at your shoe-lace and realise how much trouble you'd have without it? They are actually things which we all take for granted.

My only suggestion is about this part: What do, without you?
It doesn't quite make sense. I suggest expanding on the first line to make it What would I do. That way it makes sense and has a good rhythm. Apart from that, it's all good!




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Points: 324
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Sat Apr 04, 2015 12:26 am
Phecda wrote a review...



This is pretty good, though you might want to consider making it longer. I know not all poetry is long, but this was pretty short. Though, I do suppose it's all about quality, not quantity. Quality wise, it was good. You described shoestrings pretty well. Another thing I liked is how you picked a subject that not many people take into consideration. After all, I'm sure not many people wake up in the morning and start thinking about their shoestrings. I think I might have picked up a mistake, unless you planned it this way. You said, 'what do, Without you?" I think it might sound better if you did 'What to do, Without you?" Overall, you did really well. Keep up the good work!





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