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Withdrawn Horizions - Chapter 1

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CHAPTER 1

Ethereal Darkness


The dark-coloured clouds rolled over the sky as Eldrin walked slowly through the ice-covered Snow Crystal Fields. A slight snow began to drift downward from above. He let out a sigh. It was lonely out in the tundras of Tereson. He turned and put his hand on his forehead to block out the sun. Not far north was the Blue Mist Lake and the steam powered city of Snowmount at the base of the Blue Mist Mountains. Why anyone would want to build a city there was unbeknownst to him. The mountains had a history for unexplainable disappearances.

He bent down to the ground near a small, blue flower. He pulled out a dagger and cut it. Those had been his mother’s favorite. He heard a sound coming from the nearby Darkwood Thicket, and immediately stood. He placed the dagger back in its sheathe, and promptly drew his sword.

Out from the bushes came a large rat, which had been rustling around in the bushes. Following close behind was a white tortoiseshell cat, presumably pursuing its evening meal. Eldrin sheathed his sword and sighed. He was very on edge these days.

The clouds finally rolled over head, and the snow began to fall faster and stick to the frozen ground. Despite this, he continued on his way to Snowmount. He had something rather important to do there, and he wasn’t about to let a snowstorm stop him. He knew it was a bad idea, but his flame spells should be able to keep him warm, and even start a fire if needed.

Eldrin reached into his leather satchel, and pulled out a small book. It contained a crudely drawn map of Tereson, and some of the nearby areas of Bura. There was pages filled to the brim with spells, sword techniques, and even a few tips for getting around without being seen. He had had this book ever since he was child, writing down and doodling whenever the chance arose.

Flipping through the pages, he found a sketch of him and his elven family. They lived happily together near the base of Pineview Mountain, the tallest mountain in the Darkwood mountain range. They had a nice secluded cabin deep within the Darkwood thicket, where it was easy to practice magic without disruption. “If only I could go back and live my childhood again.” thought Eldrin. A wave of melancholy washed over him, and he closed the book and placed it back in the satchel.

He let out another of his signature sighs, and continued on towards Snowmound.


Aiko looked around nervously. The snow had progressed to what could now be considered a small blizzard, and the winds weren’t letting down. Fortunately, his destination of Millcrest wasn’t far. At least, he thought it wasn’t far. The path he had been following had been covered in snow, and he could’ve wandered from it ages ago. He decided to start heading vaguely left, towards the base of some of mountains of the Plrift Tops. As long as he followed along the edge of the mountain range, he would reach Millcrest eventually.

At last, the edge of the mountains came into view. He let out a sigh of relief. He began following the base of the mountains. About an hour later, he started to see the still image of a windmill on the horizon.

The blizzard had picked up, and Aiko was now beginning to freeze. Perhaps he should’ve stayed closer to the shoreline as the residents of Whiteshore had warned him. “At least the town is close now. I can see it not far ahead…” Suddenly, Aiko felt his face hit the cold snow, as his eyes slowly closed shut.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Aiko awoke in a warm bed. There was a small wooden end table next to him with a candle sitting on a brass plate. He rose out of the bed, his clothing dripping with freezing cold water. The room was empty save for the bed, the end table, and a set of stairs in the corner. A warm, red glow was emitting from the floor below. Aiko grabbed the brass plate, and carried the candle down the stairs.

There was a warm fire that greeted him once he reached the bottom, and small table with some bread, cheese, and a bowl of goat milk invited him to sit. He walked over to the table, and snaked on a piece of the bread. It was fresh, and a nice change from the molded bread he had been stuck with on the way to Millcrest.

It was then that he realized that someone from the town must’ve found him passed out by the mountains, and carried him back with them. He was likely in that person’s house, eating a meal that was laid out for him. Out from another room near the fireplace, a human lady emerged. She had round brown eyes, and brown hair tied up behind her in a ponytail. The medium brown color reminded him of a strange food he had once eaten named chocolate. She had pale skin, and wore a fur coat over a blue leather shirt.

“It’s good to see you’re awake. I never seen a Nekojin in these parts before. My name is Stella.”

Aiko studied the woman for a bit. She seemed playful, almost reminded him of an otter. She had a very warm aura about her, but that might’ve just been the fire.

“My name is…” Aiko considered lying, but decided against it. “Aiko.”

“It’s very nice to meet you Aiko. Would you mind explaining to me why you were passed out by the base of the Plrift Mountain, exactly?”

“I was on my way here from Whiteshore. I heard there was a strange cave somewhere near here, and came to investigate.”

“Well,” said Stella, “I think I may know what you’re talking about. That old rumour’s been going around even before my father was mayor.”

Aiko was a bit shocked by this information. She didn't seem the type to be a mayor’s daughter. Most nobility - if you could call them that -in Chmid were stuck-up and believed too much in their individual governments. Stella noticed Aiko’s shock, and let out a slight chuckle.

“What?” She asked, “Do you think I’m old or something?”

“No, of course not. I’m just a tad surprised that you’re a mayor’s daughter, is all.”

“Understandable. Most so called nobles around here aren’t exactly the best in Chronaria. My father’s not as bad as the rest of ‘em.”

Stella smiled, and ushered Aiko to take a tour of the town with her. Aiko grabbed another piece of bread out of the basket, and followed Stella out the door. The town was a sight to be seen. Despite being one of the smaller towns, its location on the Crestilan Plateau allowed for plenty of space. Most of the houses were made of logs, such as Stella’s house and the others surrounding it. Towards the bottom of the plateau were an inn, and the assorted market stalls and shops. At the highest point was a large stone building which served as the mayor’s base of operations, and the entrance to the stone quarry. There also stood Millcrest’s famous windmill, which through even the thickest of blizzards never broke or seized to spin.

He followed Stella to a neighborhood of old decrepit houses, with a well in the middle. Stella brought Aiko over to the well. He bet over and looked, surprised to see that there was still water in the well.

“This is where that cave is supposed to be. They say this entire section of town fell down here. But then again, that’s how old stories go, eh? Everyone disappears for whatever random reason.”

Stella came up to the well, and looked in. It was then that Aiko realized that neither of their reflections were showing up in the water. He looked down on the ground, and picked up a stone. He dropped the stone into the well. Instead of simply sinking, it bolted right through the water without any resistance at all. There was no splash, and the water didn’t even ripple. A few seconds later, an echoing plonk! could be heard echoing out the well.

Curious, Stella peered in a little closer, placing her hands on the edge of the well to balance herself. She leaned in even closer, and her hands slipped on the slippery surface, causing her to fall right into the well. Instead of landing in the water, she fell right through, similar to the rock. There was a giant hole in the middle of the thin blue sheet which was definitely not water.

Stella finally landed in a dark room. She felt around, and came to the conclusion that it was most likely rock. She looked up at Aiko, who now seemed a kilometre away.

“Aiko!” She yelled, “Can you hear me?”

Aiko bent down over the side of the well, peering down the hole Stella had made in the strange blue object.

“Yes, I can hear you!”

“I think we’ve found your cave! You should jump down here!”

Aiko stood back from the well. The thin blue object was now filling in the hole somehow, and it was filling in rather quickly. Aiko stood back from the well, and realizing he didn’t have much time, he took a deep breath of air.

“Hello…?” Echoed Stella’s voice from within the well.

Aiko walked back, and made a running dive into the well just as the blue substance finished reforming. Aiko looked around as he was falling, and watched the cobblestone edges of the well slowly give way to natural stone walls. Aiko straightened himself, and grabbed onto a root that was sticking out of the cave wall.

From there he looked down, and seeing that the floor of the cave was not far, let go of the root. He landed next to Stella, who was shaking in fear.

“Aiko? Is that you? I can’t see anything down here.”

“Yes, it’s me..”

“Oh! Thank the gods… I can’t imagine being stuck down here alone. You can… see in the dark, right?”

“I can indeed. Here, I think I have a night-vision potion or something somewhere in this jacket.”

And from there, they journeyed deeper into the cave, hoping to find an exit.

Comments & reviews · 2
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User avatar
Rosendorn
Review

Hello.

This is a pretty good early draft. You've established a ton of stuff in here and hinted at a lot of hidden gems that show promise. However, your execution could use more polish, hence why I implied there will be more drafts after this.

I'm going to point out two major issues to work on for next time, both of which will make your story even better than it already is.

First off, your infodump at the beginning. In the opening paragraph you give us the weather and five place names, the geography, and the main character's name. As a result, you don't really give us all that much emotion and reasons to read on.

All of that information is important, yes, but it's not exactly very interesting. When I pick up a book, I want something that makes me ask the question "what is going on?" Take, for example, the opening paragraph of Throne of Glass by Sarah J. Maas:

After a year of slavery in the Salt Mines of Endovier, Celaena Sardothien was accustomed to being escorted everywhere in shackles and at sword-point. Most of the thousands of slaves in Endovier received similar treatment—though an extra half-dozen guards always walked Celaena to and from the mines. That was expected by Adarlan's most notorious assassin. What she did not usually expect, however, was a hooded man in black at her side—as there was now.


In this paragraph, three places are introduced,and two characters. But the way this information is framed generates my interest immediately: Slavery? Escorted at sword-point? Why does she need extr—oh she's an assassin and there's somebody else and this is a new situation this is going to be good.

And I'm hooked. The key to that paragraph is it shows us something different, introducing the character and her unusual circumstance in a way that makes us wonder how she got there, why she's there, and a whole host of other things.

Find a way to frame all of your information like that. Set up your reader to ask questions, then give us the answer once we need to know the information. Keep all the notes of the places like you have now, but portion it out so the critical setting information is given in a way that makes us curious.

Second of all, your syntax. You have a lot of subject-verb-object sentences, the majority of them simple. This makes the work pretty flat to read because there isn't any variety in how you say anything. This quote illustrates what I'm talking about. Notice how the reading experience changes once the author starts adding variety to their sentences? That's what I'd like to see here.

It takes practice to break out of using simple, straightforward sentences, but it is possible. Reading helps hone your ear, as does plain old writing. Once you start to add variety, it will be awkward, but keep at it. Practice does, after all, make perfect.

Hope this helps! I'm really curious as to a whole bunch of things, and I hope I can be even more curious after you've edited.

Let me know if you have any questions or comments.

~Rosey

That first paragraph in Throne of Glass got me absolutely hooked to the whole series. Amazing intro-one of the best that I've ever read.<3

User avatar
felistia
Review

Hi SuperAnimalCrossing, Felistia here with a review.
I will read from the top of your chapter downward and give the review as I go.

First sentence: I like it, but I don't think you need to say (dark-coloured clouds). You could say (dark storm clouds) or just (dark clouds).

Second sentence: I love how you are describing the Snow Crystal Fields, but you have an excellent chance to do a little bit more in the second sentence (A slight snow began to drift downward from above) Instead of just saying above, you could describe what the sky looks like, if you wanted to.

I like how you ended the first paragraph.

Second paragraph: In the sentence (He heard a sound coming from the nearby Darkwood Thicket, and immediately stood) I think you should say (stood up) at the end. It will make it read better.

Other than that I can't find any other problems.
You are very skilled at writing and I look forward to the next chapter. Please send my the link when you write it. Have a great day\night

Thanks for the review %uD83D%uDE00



I know history. There are many names in history, but none of them are ours.
— Richard Siken