My eyes bolted open as the sound of an alarm began blaring in my ears. I reached my hand to my bedside table, desperately trying to find my glasses. After finding them, I put them on my face, and looked over at the clock. I then realized that the alarm feature wasn’t even on, and it was simply my dad calling me. I grabbed my phone off the table, and sat up straight.
“Ugh… Hello,” I asked groggily.
“It’s your first day there, and you’re already trying to miss school?”
“No… It’s five in the morning…”
“Is it really? Oh. It is.”
“Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’d like to get some extra sleep before seven. Goodbye. Don’t call me again in ten minutes either.”
I hung up the phone, and threw it back on the table. I laid back down on my bed, and tried to go back to sleep. I laid there with my eyes closed for a few minutes, but something seemed to stop me from being up to fall asleep. I glanced over at the clock. It was six now. I sighed, and got up off the bed. I grabbed the phone, and stuffed it in my pocket.
I walked out of my bedroom and into the bathroom, looking into the mirror. My light golden brown hair was a huge, fluffy mess. I grabbed the comb of the counter, and gave it a nice straightening. For a finishing touch, I added my signature left parting. Not like anyone in this new school would know, but it’s worth getting the hair out of my face anyways.
Afterwards, I wandered over to the kitchen. I open one of the cabinets, and pulled out the needed supplies for a cup of delicious coffee. After all, if I can’t go back to sleep, I might as well get started for the day.
Once the coffee was done, I grabbed it off the coffee machine and headed into what was basically my office. I set the coffee cup down on the desk, and opened one of the larger drawers. I pulled out my new laptop which I had bought for school, and set it down. Of course, it wasn’t just all for school.
After the usual routine of checking my email and the like, I closed down Google Chrome and pulled up my Steam browser. I opened up the library, and upon browsing my rather large selection, and clicked on Skyrim. A beautiful game, even if it was a few years old. A handful of mods from the Nexus, and bam! One of the most graphically amazing games in the world.
I played for about an hour, before finally shutting the game down. I looked at the computer's clock. It was just about time to get ready for the first day at the new school. “I just can’t wait,” I thought to myself with a sarcastic chuckle. I closed the computer, and stuffed it into the messenger bag lying next to the desk that had the rest of my school junk in it. My phone buzzed in my pocket. Pulling it out, of course, it was just my parents again.
At last, the school bus had arrived at the school. Copper Ridge Academy, one of the largest and most technologically advanced schools in the area. Of course, that’s the reason I even bothered coming here in the first place. Originally, I had been going to a smaller high school in our area, the one that was connected to the middle school I went to. But at last, I was finally accepted into Copper Ridge. And I couldn’t be happier.
Not to mention, it was the first day of tenth grade, so none of the classic “Oh, look! A new student! Come up to the front and tell us all about yourself!”
I walked into the school building. As I expected, the entrance was nothing short of beautiful. There was the office to the front, which was a room made entirely of windows. To the left was the cafeteria, and a large one at that. Three serving tables, which were currently being stocked with various foodstuffs, and what seemed to be at least fifty or so tables lined up in perfectly symmetrical rows. Next to the cafeteria was what seemed to be the gym, surprisingly smaller than the one at my old school. Although, most larger schools tend to focus on the academic side, which was fine by me. I was never a very athletic person.
To the right was the band room. I walked over, and peered into the window. It was already set up for the day, with stands and chairs set up circularly around a small square podium. “This school is amazing,” I thought to myself. Suddenly, bumped into me from behind, crashing my train of thought.
It was a girl, with shoulder length reddish-brown hair, and the brightest green eyes I’d ever seen before. Well, at least they were sparkly compared to my dull gray eyes. Realizing I must’ve been staring, I quickly shook my head.
“Hey there, sorry about running into you,” She said with an apologetic smile.
“It’s no problem. I’m new here, and I was kinda zoning out and thinking about how awesome this place is,” I replied with a chuckle.
“Yeah, this place is pretty amazing. My name’s Katherine. How about yours?”
With that, I suddenly froze. “Oh, no… She wants my name? What would she do with my name? There are so many terrible things… No! This is your chance! You need to forget about your stupid paranoid crap, and just tell her your name. What are the odds of meeting a potential friend right in the first three minutes of walking in the door?” I swallowed some saliva that had built up, and mustered up some courage. I was never a very socially adept person, and it was really beginning to shine.
“I’m, uh…”
“Not now! You can do it!”
“I’m Scott. Montgomery! I mean… Uh, I’m sorry. Scott Montgomery. That’s my, uh, name. That’s my name. Montgomery. Scott Montgomery.”
“Way to blow it, you bumbling idiot! You’ve just took your only chance, and threw it in the wood chipper.”
“Well, it’s nice to meet you Mr. Scott Montgomery,” Katherine laughed, “So, who do you have for first period?”
I reached into my messenger bag, and fumbled around for the paper with my schedule on it. I pulled it out, and took a quick glance.
“I have… Ms. Foresight for first, Ms. Toriel for second, Dr. Papyrus for third, and Mr. Sans.”
“Well, would you look at that! We have the same classes! And all in order to! And since I was here last year, I’d be happy to be your guide.”
I forced out a small laugh. “Great, my entire year is going to be a cliche John Green novel…” The bell rung abruptly, ending our conversation. I followed Katharine through the related arts hallway, noting the locations of the art room, the spanish room, and most importantly of all, the computer sciences room.
At last, the two of us arrived at Ms.Foresight’s room. I sat down at one of the desks closest to the front of the room. Katherine ended up picking a seat next to me, for whatever reason. A few minutes after the last of the other students came in, Ms. Foresight walked into the room. She had gray hair, and seemed very frail.
She stood behind a small wooden podium, and appeared to flip through a binder of some sort. “Oh, no… please don’t be a seating chart…”
“Good morning class, my name is Ms. Foresight. I’ll be your social studies teacher this year - HEY YOU TWO! IN THE BACK! STOP TALKING! - As I was saying, I will be your social studies this year. Most of you are returning students,” She said with a scratchy voice.
“Please don’t be one of those teachers…”
“Ah, here we go. Yes, yes, most of you… Ah, here we go! Do we have a… Montgomery? Scott Montgomery?”
I reluctantly raised my hand, already knowing what was coming… “Oh, no, no, no! This is exactly wasn’t supposed to happen! No, no, no!” Katherine looked over at me, watching as I shook nervously in my seat, sweating profusely.
“Thank you, Mr. Montgomery. Would you mind coming up to the front and telling us a little bit about yourself?”
“No! Not this! Anything but this! No, no, no!”
“Of course, Ms. Foresight! I’d be glad to,” I said, plastering as convincing smile as possible on my face.
“Why do things like this always happen to me?”
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hello, happy review day. I like coming of age stories in general, and think this has a lot of potential. Your description and surroundings are really nice, and your main character is awkward in an endearing. That said, there are a lot of places I think you can improve on.
The story starting with him waking up isn't exactly the most original thing, but I do like it. How do you confuse the sound of your parents with the sound of an alarm, though, that's...strange.
He asked...?
Something is off about this conversation, as if by that, I mean it's sort of robotic. Just doesn't sound like how people actually talk.
The first part of this chapter is nice because we get to know a ton about this character. We find out he's a bit on the nerdish side, he likes coffee and he wants to stand out from the crowd, as evident by his "signature hair parting". What I suggest for you to do for the rest of the story is give it it's own unique twist -- make it memorable. Don't just be a "first day of school" story, that's been to done a ton. Because we get to:
And I feel like that same old "Guy bumbles in front of girl he has a crush on" routine has been done to death, and I don't feel like it can carry a story.
One last thing: When showing a character yelling, use italics, not capitalization.
Poor guy
I'd like you to introduce a bit more to this main character, flesh him out, if you will. Right now, he's sort of endearing, but you should try something to make the readers remember him.
Good luck, hope you keep going on this ^^
Yo!
So, I clicked on this expecting a mystery or suspense type story, and was sort of confused at first, but a few paragraphs in this seemed more like a comedy to me, so... I suppose I was a bit confused.
This had be in stiches. Papyrus and Sans are both font types. See? I was up to your tricks, mwah hah hah.
One inconsistency in the story might be that: his name is Scott Montgomery and yet he's the first to be called on in class. Did the teacher start from the bottom of the list up? Where are all the people with last names? You could make this into something really funny: maybe he is EXPECTING the teacher to start from A's, to B's, and so forth, but maybe she just randomly decides to start at the bottom, catching him off-guard. Or something.
Your grammar is pretty solid overall, although I would suggest putting his inner thoughts and/or dialogue in italics, as opposed to quotation marks. It would be less confusing that way as to who is/who he is talking to.
Now for the actual review part:
I mentioned before that your story seems more like a comedy than a suspense. Here's why: you start out with his normal day, and everything he does in a normal day, and even a normal first day of school, and even a normal meeting of the teen crush! It reads almost like a schedule:
8:11 - Scott wakes up
8:15 - He brushes his hair
8:20 - He makes some coffee
Etc. etc. etc. But if this is meant to be a suspense story, then it should be, well, suspenseful. Not that you HAVE to do this, but a typical "convention of the genre" for suspense novels is to start with a bang: a cliff-hanger or an action scene or setting up the mystery with a heist or something that gets us interested in you book. Kind of like a James Bond movie. A hook, in other words. You should ask yourself questions like these: Do we really need to know about Scott's daily life? Is that necessary to the story in the long run? What is a more interesting way to start this story? What is a more interesting way to introduce my characters?
One more caveat is that you might want to make Scott a bit more sympathetic to your readers. He snaps at his dad right off the bat, which turned me off, personally. "This kid is a brat," I said to myself. You won back a few points with him fumbling over his own name, but at the beginning of the story you should focus on making us (readers) care about your protagonist.
The last thing I wanted to say was: try to be a little more creative with your descriptions. So far I know what everyone's hair color is but beside that it's a little vague. Don't let your characters live in a white space (the paper), fill out their world, fill it with special, unique details. Make it hard to forget.
Anyway, good luck writing
~ED
Thanks for your review!
The reason things didn't seem very suspensful, is because I wanted to start this story out as a cilche teen fiction. You know, where you're taken through the character's life, then their school, and then immediately they fall in love with someone. I did this so that way there's a contrast between how things are now, and how they are later, once the suspense and crazy stuff actaully starts up.
Also, the reason the teacher called Scott out first, is because she was looking for students that weren't at Copper Ridge last year, and Scott was just so happened to be just that - a new student.
I never really been very good at describing character appearances, but I'll be sure to work a little harder on it.
And we'll be finding out the reason Scott lashes out as his dad like that soon, as there's a pretty good reason.
... I meant for his thoughts to be italic (I write on seperate documents, and paste it over), I guess that the italicization didn't stay after the pasting... Oops!