Chapter Two; Witches
The paper cut harshly into the cuticle of her nail, drawing a thin line of angry red that smudged along the edge of the text. A sharp gasp escaped her lips and she shook her hand, placing the book to one side. Standing, she placed her finger against her lips, the metallic taste of the newly shed blood making her nose wrinkle in a cringe as she walked over to her bedside cabinet. After rummaging around in the drawer, she finally found a band aid, winding it around her finger. Perhaps she was dramatising the incident, but she felt all the better.
Her sister, Leighna, watched with a smirk as she rolled her eyes at the two other younger girls who were sat opposite her on the large, cushioned bed. They twittered with stifled giggles, making Elaina’s shoulders tense as she turned from the bedside cabinet.
“That’s enough for today. Go prepare yourselves for the introduction later on. Tomorrow we’ll read the next three incantations.” Elaina’s voice was soft and bored as she watched the two girls walk swiftly from the room, clutching their berets to their chests. Leighna scooted across the bed reaching out to flick open the big dusty book that had offended Elaina’s finger. Her hand was slapped away briskly.
“Hey!” She exclaimed in a whining tone, scowling at her sister who had now bundled the book onto her bookshelf. “Awh, c’mon! You got to look at the book when you were way younger!”
“And why do you think that is, perhaps?” Elaina turned, a smile lighting her eyes briefly as she studied her younger sister. Leighna, with her long silvery hair and golden brown eyes, was five years younger than Elaina, at thirteen and looked completely different. Elaina, with an unruly mess of auburn hair and eyes the shade of emeralds, paled in comparison.
“Okay, okay; I get it! It’s still not fair.” Leighna sighed, resigned as she slipped from her sister’s bed, pulling her beret into place.
Elaina shook her head at her younger sister as she reached over to straighten the beret over her soft hair. Her sister sighed, squirming on the spot as she her elder tidied her up.
“Okay. Now, go and make sure that everyone is ready. Wouldn’t want to be unprepared for our new guest now, would we?”
“Guest? Psh.” Leighna looked up at her sister, a carefully primed eyebrow twitching upwards. “He’s no guest; just another guard, isn’t he? Another idiot for the elders to mess with, hu—“ Leighna cut short as her cheeks glowed bright crimson.
“I believe you have been called to the hall already, young lady. Run along; your sister and I have some matters to attend to.” A wheezing, breathless voice made Elaina cringe for her sister as the young girl quickly scuttled from the room, her head bowed as she passed the older woman at the door, who seemed to be using the door jamb for support. Elaina shook her head and walked over to her, offering a hand for support only for it to be brushed away. “You need to teach that girl some manners, you know. Your mother would turn in her grave if she heard such disrespect.”
At this last comment, Elaina’s cheek flushed a soft red and her eyes narrowed in a scowl at the older woman. She didn’t offer any more help as she watched her struggle to sit on the wicker chair in the corner.
“What is it you want, Mother June?” Elaina’s voice had reverted to that of pure business, cool and collected, as she crossed her arms over her chest. Mother June just shook her head at her, her pale brown eyes flickering to the book that was now stored on the dusty bookshelf.
“Now, we understand if you don’t want to go through with this dear; we, as the elders, will always be here to take matters such as these from your hands.” June’s voice was gentle, but her eyes had a hint of an accusation which made Elaina’s hands clench to fists, angrily.
Before she could speak, a head peeked in around her doorway and squeaked at the sight of the elder. Leighna walked in, keeping her eyes to the floor as she addressed Elaina.
"It's time to start now, Sister Elaina." Elaina's eyebrows shot up at the formal note in Leighna's voice, then turned to Mother June.
"Right, as you can see I am very well prepared for this introduction; the elders are welcome to join the circle, and they are welcome to sit out." With a curt nod, she glided from the room, pulling her ceremonial cloak - a deep purple velvet affair - around her shoulders to suppress a shiver of rage. Once inside the hall, she was bombarded with questions and orders, before being sat inside a circle of the twelve elders now, the rest of the Coven outlining the great hall walls.
Closing her eyes, Elaina let her hand hover in the air above her before muttering a soft incantation that sent a shiver coursing down her spine. The elders all bowed their heads, each with their own ceremonial gown or robe on.
"Ingresso."
And with that, a pale and worn wooden door appeared on the wall in front of Elaina, only to be opened with a slow and whining creak.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Yay! Second chapter! I couldn't really find much wrong with this chapter as i think Esme has pretty much summed it up already. But I managed to pick up a couple of nitpicks for you:
Maybe use a different word to big? Perhaps something like "large" instead?
I'm not too sure about the layout of this sentence. Personally I'd shorten it to "she whined". But that mught be just me.
Seperate this up into two sentences.
Other than that, I'm interested to read what happens next, I'm thinking maybe the two characters will meet somewhere along the line?
PM me if you write anymore or if you need any other reviews!
Happy-go-lucky
Sunshine,
Hello! I don’t have much to say at the moment - the weather’s still good, lol - so I’ll just proceed with your critique^^
Quote:
A sharp gasp escaped her lips and she shook her hand, placing the book to one side.
Consider: “aside”? Might seem out of the blue, that suggestion, I guess, but to me, the rhythm of the sentence would be improved.
Quote:
Standing, she placed her finger against her lips,
Placed, placing…
Quote:
After rummaging around in the drawer, she finally found a band aid, winding it around her finger.
Sentence structure. That last “ing” looks odd. Hmm.
Quote:
Her sister, Leighna, watched with a smirk as she rolled her eyes at the two other younger girls who were sat opposite her on the large, cushioned bed.
As she, as she (next sentence). And, Leighna;s rolling her eyes at the two other girls and watching her sister at the same time?
Quote:
had offended Elaina’s finger. Her hand was slapped away briskly.
Ooh, nice.
Quote:
“Hey!” She exclaimed in a whining tone,
Dialogue punctuation.
Quote:
Leighna, with her long silvery hair and golden brown eyes, was five years younger than Elaina, at thirteen and looked completely different.
I don’t like the two “with her” (next sentence). Also, this one is run on - that last part “at thirteen (…)”
Quote:
Elaina shook her head at her younger sister as she reached over to straighten the beret over her soft hair.
Leighna did it in the sentence before.
Quote:
Elaina’s voice had reverted to that of pure business, cool and collected, as she crossed her arms over her chest
“as” - odd up there.
Quote:
pulling her ceremonial cloak - a deep purple velvet affair - around her shoulders to suppress a shiver of rage.
Awkward, those dashes.
Quote:
Once inside the hall, she was bombarded with questions and orders, before being sat inside a circle of the twelve elders now, the rest of the Coven outlining the great hall walls.
Awkward phrasing, consider rephrasing - the “before”.
***
Well, that’s the end of the line-by-line. The comments I’ll start out by mentioning a few things that I didn’t particularly like:
-> I don’t like all the “her sister”, “younger sister” - I get it that their sisters. I do. Also, those phrases got boring after a while, and I had this strong need to just - well, do something bad to them. Over usage.
-> Another thing that irritated me were the semicolons in dialogue. If they served an actual purpose, they would be okay, but I get the feeling they don’t. If they were part of this unique way of a character’s speech - fine. But, in the girls’? That looked odd.
Apart from that - this was a well written piece, that I have to say. It flowed very nicely, there were no transition problems, it was a whole, not a few parts jammed together. The names of your characters are awesome, and I’ll probably steal them one day ^^
What I didn’t particularly care for, however, was the idea of the Elders. I mean, the very idea is cool, yes, or, rather, could be cool. It could’ve astounded me, you know? I could have gone: “Wow, that was fantastic!”
And while yes, I know this was an extremely short bit about those Elders, but still. I wasn’t astounded. I was like: “Okay…” “Okay, fine, I guess.” It kind of seemed pressed, you know? Build the mystery, build up the respect toward them…
Cheers, post more!
Esme