"No way." I muttered out loud, reading the screen. I glanced up, but the road was straight, empty.
ru seriosus, Jes? I typed.
The phone buzzed. So.
Smiling faintly, amused at my friend's latest antics, I set the phone down carefully on the seat.
When I reached my hand back toward the wheel, I felt off balance. My vision blurred, and I yanked at the gears in front of me.
Focus...
The world kinda tilted. It was dark, but then, headlights lit up the highway. My hand found the wheel, and successfully, I reared the car back into the lane.
But it was hard to focus with this dreary state I was in, head throbbing. I decided to close my eyes, just for a secon-
Crash--
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139,362 Literary Works • 672,540 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Okay...this was quite a mysterious piece here, and going off that title and the scene we have here, this certainly appears to be quite an action packed piece here. Certainly gets your attention at any rate.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay...intriguing start there, especially when you manage to pair this with the title of this piece which is definitely the most intriguing thing about this piece...cause well, a kill zone certainly sounds like the start of a very interesting story. And well, texting is apparently involved right away, which just manages to add nicely to the mystery here.
Okay...well that defused the situation quite a bit there with it all being dismissed just as someone being silly as always..although I can't help but wonder if perhaps this is a false assumption and something crazy is about to actually happen even if the person here doesn't appear to be expecting that at all.
Well, that certainly escalated things there a lot faster than I was ever expecting them to be escalated. Oh wow, suddenly just feeling like that certainly doesn't sound like a normal occurrence, and well, its hard to tell if some outside craziness is happening here or if this person is just experiencing the side effect of some sort of disease. At any rate, things just got even more intriguing here.
Oh that has to be some sort of crazy spell of some sort, you don't generally just pass out randomly like that as far as I know, of course I'm no expert on diseases so well...this is at any rate a pretty intriguing end to this here story that you've got. Certainly looks like it would end up being a pretty cool story.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, quite an interesting piece here...certainly would read this story judging based off of this. Aaand I believe that's about all I've gotta say here.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hey SunshineGriffith,
This piece is well-written in terms of grammar, vocabulary and phrasing but still it lacks the interest that would hold a reader's attention to read forward. This is probably the introduction to your story and hence such. But I would like to give a suggestion: Any story is as good as it's start. So while introducing the story you should work more on precise intriguing descriptions that would leave the readers hungry for more. Good luck!
-Ishita Dutt
I understand this might be the start of your novel and that’s why it was short. However, as your reader, I’d like more descriptions/details, so I’m eager to read ahead. Yes, it’s interesting to see that you jumped straight into action, but you gave us little to imagine. Thus, we can’t connect with your character or engage in the story. Just a piece of advice: you should establish your characters at the start and gradually develop them throughout the book.
In the fifth line, perhaps add more to show us that she’s not in the right state of mind.
In the seventh and eighth paragraph, you’re telling us her situation, not showing it to us. Instead of saying, “it was dark,” describe it to us. For example, you could say, “the sky began to darken and the chilly night made the fog whisk in front of me.”
Not a good example, but do you see my point?
Overall, it’s an intense prologue. In the last paragraph, I liked how the narration was interrupted in the middle to show us there’s been a crash. I can see so much potential in this. Just take your time and gradually build up the tension. From the first sentence itself, I knew something bad will happen. That held my interest as I was curious to know about it.
Well done, and keep writing!
P.S: I’m sorry if I sound rude or harsh. I have pointed out the things you can improve to help you. Please keep in mind that these are just my opinions. You don’t have to follow them. Thanks!