Werewolf (Edited Version)

by Sunshine1113

Published May 9, 2013

In Werewolf

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      He dug his claws into the ground as he ran. The cold hard icy ground flew by under him. His paws were aching from running. But Brian ran. He wanted to collapse on the ground but they were onto him. Silver bullets hit nearby trees. He was bigger than most of his pack which made him a bigger target. His ash-gray fur was of no help in hiding him in the white freshly fallen snow. If he shifted they would discover his identify and he would less protected than in wolf form. They blew a dog whistle and it hurt his ears but stopping meant certain death. He was cold. His short fur was wet with snow.

   

      Brian ran behind a building and shifted than ran inside. He was safe for now. But they would find him. They knew he was a werewolf. They would look inside. They would know it was him. He took off and got as far away as possible. He pushed through crowds of people trying to escape. His pulse raced. He paused a moment to take a breath. If he got his blood pulse too fast he would shift, then he sped down through the campus. He had lost his pack. They were taken by the Argents who were after him now. He shivered at the thought of his pack being trapped, injured, and put into cages. They would be sold and treated like dogs on the Black Market. He may never see them again. He heard their cries for help. They could hear each other’s thoughts when in wolf form. He shifted. Their cries for help were heart breaking.

 

     He had to save them. But he would need to recruit others. And they were the only pack in this area of Massachusetts. The others had suffered the same fate that his pack was suffering now. He could no longer hear his packs thoughts. He knew the Argents probably put an electric collar on them to keep them in human form. They couldn't have them plotting their escape. Plus they were easier to ship and control in human form. He shivered at the thought of his friends being treated like that. It wasn't their fault that they were like that. It was just in their DNA. He focused on getting as much ground between him and the Argents as possible.

 

    He was exhausted from running. He figured his parents would be wondering where he was. His parents were the only ones who didn't know that he was a werewolf. Well his mom didn't know. His packs families knew. They were purebreds. They were raised to embrace their inner wolf. They loved to hunt and run through the forest. Brian was just a mutt. His dad was a wolf. His mom wasn't one. He didn't like to fully embrace his inner beast. It was dangerous. He figured it was his more human half of him that couldn't fully trust his wolf half. The wolf was uncontrollable sometimes. It was hard to control what he did as a werewolf especially during a full moon. It was when the monster in him fully took over. He had less control over when he shifted and when he was a wolf because he was more human than wolf. His wolf didn't particularly like his human half and his human half didn't like his wolf half. He had no choice in the matter either way. He was who he was. His whole dads side of the family were pure-bread werewolves. There wasn't one that was fully human.  His mom was fully human. Her side of the family was fully human too. His mom didn't know about the wolves. She didn't know her husband was a werewolf. She didn't know why he sometimes snuck out at night and why it seemed to always be on a full moon. She couldn't still believe his excuse that he had to go into work at night that often. Randolph was a rough town but not rough enough to have all police staff on patrol that often.

 

   His dad knew he was a wolf. He wished he wasn't one. He didn't even know about any of this werewolf stuff until he was 12. His dad had sat him down at the table for what Brian thought was "the Talk" but instead he told him about his ancestry. He told him that he was a wolf, Brian was a wolf. He told him that one day very soon, he'd have razor sharp claws, k-9 teeth, and grow a tail. He told him that his sisters were wolves as well. Even his sisters boyfriend was a wolf. The idea of that horrified him. He didn't believe that he could a be werewolf. He had asked his dad if he was joking with him. He wasn't though. He told him that they could heal faster than a normal person. They could run faster, hear better, could hear his packs thoughts when in wolf form, and had killer night vision and strength. Then he told him there were people who would want him dead and hunt him down. They were the Argents. The same people who had his pack in cages being shipped to who knows where. Brian refused to believe him. He couldn't possibly be this monster he was describing. Not until the shift came. It was just one thing at a time. First it was the enhanced healing. Then there came the enhanced abilities such as running and night vision. Soon enough he had claws. Then on the night of the full harvest moon the wolf took over. It felt like his body had been beaten with a metal baseball bat. It felt like every bone on his body was cracking and breaking until he was a wolf with ash-grey fur. He felt like a monster and a freak.

 

   He shook the memory of the Talk and his first shift out of his head. He was a monster now. A weird kid who has cravings for raw red meat. A kid who has to fight to keep himself in control when angry or someone may have to go the ER because of some strange animal attack that nearly killed him. Nearly killed him. The words played around in his head. He was built to kill and hunt. To destroy. That's a better word for it. He was a scary monster. He wasn't human. Well he was part human, but he felt like a blood thirsty monster with sharp claws and teeth that could tear anything to mangled shreds. He was a monster. No way to lift the curse, not that he knew of anyway. This was the way the Argents must have seen werewolves. They were blood thirsty monsters. He didn't blame them. He was a threat. He should be locked up somewhere. A zoo maybe? He was a freak of nature anyway. If he wasn't a shapeshifting freak he wouldn't be in this mess. But he was in this mess. He had to save his pack. Some of them were family. Megan was caged. No way he could let them take away his sister.

Comments & reviews · 3
User avatar
OliveDreams
Review
OliveDreams wrote a review Review · Apr 27, 2014

Ok, so I’m here through the request forum! I love anything fantasy so that’s why I picked you and I don’t think I’ve read anything of yours before!

Plot and Characters

A lot of people will be reluctant to read yet another werewolf story but I am not one of those people. No I am not! I love anything to do with the supernatural and I’m REALLY hoping that you prove everyone else wrong by making this the best werewolf story there ever has been. Avoid the cliches. Avoid the obvious plots & surprise us with something new!

I think your atmosphere is great. You’ve got lots of action without much explanation! This creates tension and, best of all, lots of questions for the reader. Who are the Argents? What do they want? And what has happened to the rest of the pack? AH!

There is only one thing that ruins the atmosphere for me slightly, but we’ll get into that next...

Tutorial

There a millions of ‘he’ and ‘they’. That’s what ruins the atmosphere because it’s distracting and samey. Get rid of three quarters of them! Let me see if I can help with this little section;

They would be sold and treated like dogs on the Black Market. He may never see them again. He heard their cries for help. They could hear each other’s thoughts when in wolf form. He shifted. Their cries for help were heart breaking.


to

My family would be sold and treated like dogs on the Black Market. Never to be seen again. Sharp cries for help split through the air. They could hear each other’s thoughts when in wolf form. Brian shifted, desperate to block out the heartbreaking sounds.


Summary

I love how you seem to know where you want to take this! It’s nice to see a writer with some decisiveness.

Where is the rest of this?! I’d be happy to help with the following parts!

Keep writing!

Olive <3

Sorry to disappoint Olive, but there will not be a continuation of this on YWS. I did turn this into a novella, but because I was using actual peoples names and the story was about someone I knew in real life and there were real last names and actual places, I can't post it due to privacy issues. Maybe if I decide to change all of the characters and places one day maybe I'll put it on YWS. Sorry :(

User avatar
abelgaiya
Review
abelgaiya wrote a review Review · May 9, 2013

Hello, Abel here to review.
When one reads this, they think of Twilight, Underworld, Teenwolf, and other popular werewolf movies. This makes the originality of the story very meagre. There is little or no new element within the story that demands commendation. I think the only new thing I can detect is the 'blood pulse' element.

You need to edit this whole part because use use the word 'wolf' excessively, and it becomes rather annoying than tiring. I suggest replacing a few with pronouns:

"He figured it was his more human half of him that couldn't fully trust his wolf half. The wolf was uncontrollable sometimes. It was hard to control what he did as a wolf especially during a full moon. It was when the wolf fully took over. He had less control over when he shifted and when he was a wolf because he was more human than wolf. His wolf didn't particularly like his human half and his human half didn't like his wolf half"

Note that a memory encompasses things that one has already experienced, and not mere thoughts about probable events. This means that this sentence should have 'thought' in it, and not 'memory':
"He shivered at the memory of his pack being trapped, injured, and put into cages..."

You could do better by being creative and thinking beyond the limit of 'Hollywoodian accomplishments'. Think illogically and this story would be great.

Cheers.

The idea of the story was to be a gag version of popular werewolf movies and legends. Thank you for your corrections! I'm usually a choppy writer and I have a tendency to repeat myself. Thank you for your review!

Random avatar
tragicHearts
Review
tragicHearts wrote a review Review · May 9, 2013

Hello sunshine1113 going to review this the best I can, so here we go.

First I think you might want to reread this because I believe you will find a lot of your mistakes. I think talk with his dad needs improvement. Maybe add more dialogue, and then making the text style different.I believe that would help the flow. At times it gets choppy, I have had that problem myself a couple times. Seeing how I'm weak at grammar so I will leave that for someone else to review about.

Otherwise I think it was pretty good. I say keep going and good luck and above all have fun doing it.



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