Dear Humans,
I know you have an appointment with me and I am SO very sorry I couldn't make it. ( actually not really- it IS your mess I have to clean up after all.) I had an emergancy call down at the beach. Something about an oil spill? It sounds like a toughie. First I want to go over some things with you so your not in total shock when I do meet you. I AM NOT a grandmotherly type woman who has a knack for gardening ( So sterotypical by the way). I am tough and rough and pushy. I kinda havta be to live with what you people put against me. Ok ,so MAYBE that's not the reason. It's because I am the deserts and the the harsh mountins as well as the simple and pretty forest. I am the hurricanes and earthquakes as well as the gentle breezes. I know you have your complaints " I lost my house to a hurricane" or " A tree landed on my car." That's the reason you came right? To complain.I am sorry I hurt you truly but you hurt me to. Have you every stopped and picked up a plastic contanier off the ground? Or even just shut off the lights? No siree I didn't think so. Oh your getting better no doubt about that. Some of you are down right amazing. But if all of you helped out... I might finally get a well deserved break. The sadest part is that some of you don't even relize what I do for you. WHO helped you build log cabins when there wasn't such thing as " bricks"? WHO gives you relief on a hot day? WHO provides half the things you own? Sure ain't Britney Spears. Please reschedule your appointment. I didn't mean to scare 'ya. Looks like I might be busy for a while but I'll be around...
Naturally yours,
Mother Nature
6667 NorthEarthveiw, Center of the Universe
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140,390 Literary Works • 673,150 Reviews
Hey, +1 reviewing as I go along, a bad strategy but...yeah. Here goes nothing!
Nitpicks:
1) I know you have an appointment with me and I am SO very sorry I couldn't make it. ( actually not really- it IS your mess I have to clean up after all.) So, there is some wrong things with this dialogue excerpt, and several ways you can fix it. Let's start with what's wrong with it. First off, a little typo: there shouldn't be a space between Actually and the parentheses. Second, actually should be capitalized. I suggest you keep it lowercase and take away the period from the sentence outside of the parentheses, and move the period to the outside end of the parentheses instead. There should also be a comma after actually. Ex:
I know you have an appointment with me and I am SO very sorry I couldn't make it (actually, not really- it IS your mess I have to clean up after all).
2) First I want to go over some things with you so your not in total shock when I do meet you. I AM NOT a grandmotherly type woman who has a knack for gardening ( So sterotypical by the way).
You completely changed subjects here, so it left me confused and wondering what you were talking about. Better transition, or at least indent this? Also, the parentheses thing again; the so should not be capitalized and the period should be at the end outside (not end inside) of parentheses. Stereotypical is also spelled wrong.
3) Ok ,so MAYBE that's not the reason. It's because I am the deserts and the the harsh mountins as well as the simple and pretty forest.
There should be no space between comma and Ok. Mountains is spelled wrong.
4) That's the reason you came right?
There should be a comma after came.
5) I am sorry I hurt you truly but you hurt me to. Have you every stopped and picked up a plastic contanier off the ground? Or even just shut off the lights? No siree I didn't think so.
The first sentence needs a lot of commas. I'm starting to think that something went wrong with your formatting; either that or you truly didn't know where to put commas, which is okay (that's why I'm helping you). So, the first sentence should look like this:
I am sorry I hurt you, truly, but you hurt me to.
Container is spelled wrong in the following sentence.
The third sentence is a bit confusing. I suggest adding a "when you leave the room" after it. (Or even just shut off the lights when you leave the room?)
There should be a couple commas in the next sentence: No, siree, I didn't think so.
6) Oh your getting better no doubt about that.
Should look like this: Oh, you're getting better, no doubt about that.
7) The sadest part is that some of you don't even relize what I do for you.
Saddest is spelled wrong, as is realize.
Content; suggested revisions:
1) WHO helped you build log cabins.....etc. I don't think you really need the who's to be capitalized in this, or in the following sentences like this when Mother Nature is asking her questions. It's just not necessary.
2) Naturally yours,
Mother Nature
6667 NorthEarthveiw, Center of the Universe
I highly suggest taking off the address part at the end of this fantastic piece. Ending it with just Mother Nature gives the piece a magnificent effect. Putting on the address takes away the awesome effect.
I love this piece! At first, I thought the speaker was God or something/one, but the end was a really nice surprise! This was a creative take on a common topic, and I enjoyed reading it, truly, I did.
I think the ending really did it for me. My favorite line was definitely this, though, because it just made me laugh out loud:
Sure ain't Britney Spears.
Excellent job! Just make sure to polish this up a little in terms of grammar and punctuation and spelling and all that boring stuff. Otherwise, this was pretty much top notch!
Overall rating: 8/10
Keep writing, Sunshine!
+1
Ohmygoodness, I literally wrote this four years ago. I swear, my writing has improved since then. XD This was the first thing I posted here, I think. Thanks for taking the time to review anyway!
Oh, okay, *goes off to review other works.* Sorry if you don't appreciate me ripping apart your portfolio!
No, it's okay. I was just really surprised. Not a lot of people do that.
Heya
I was stalking/looking at your portfolio and I came across this. I liked it so I thought, why not review it? I really love the idea behind it and I think you wrote it well. I'll start off with some nit-picks!
I really loved this ending.
Overall
Like I said above, I enjoyed reading this piece. I adore the voice of Mother Nature because she had a somewhat sour and sarcastic tone. You really brought out a character in her. I can understand what other's have said about her sounding a tad bit childish at times, but I rather like it. It shows that she's clearly had enough of pollution and disrespecting the planet. I understood what you meant about the appointment thing; the appointment is fixing the oil spill, right? What you need to be careful of is your grammatical errors the most. I fixed any errors that I did spot for you. The parts in red are the parts I've edited, by the way. You made a serious subject seem rather funny, yet at the same time, it did get a strong message across. Well done for achieving that.
My only real critique for you is grammar. This is a matter of opinion kind of thing, but I'm not overly keen on capital lettered words in pieces of writing. I noticed you using the quite a lot. My advice to you is that instead of capitalising words, italicize them. If you do that, the word is just as powerful and noticeable, but it looks a lot cleaner. You don't have to do this because it's not exactly a rule, but I'd advise you to. There were a few other grammar slip ups, but nothing that you can't fix through practice. You had the odd missing comma here and there and a few missing apostrophe's, but there wasn't anything serious. As for paragraphing, I would have liked for you to have done that a bit more. As you can see from my nit-picks, I showed you where I think paragraphing would have been effective. By paragraphing, even small pieces, the writing will look a lot cleaner and it will be nicer to read as a whole.
Keep writing,
xoxo Skins
*Likes*
No this wasn't a science paper ( I'd get A good grade, tho!). I was just watching the leafs and it struck me! Anyway yeah I guess you could call me an eco-warrior. I love it , anyhow!
Hello! This was so clever and fun to read. It really brought forth the message of how valuable our planet is.
Although, it was very short. I feel that if you added more it could develop more. Some parts, such as the blah,blah,blah, made her feel childish.
I really liked how you expaned and evolved Mother Nature's personality and emotions.
Nice Job.
~Ballerina
HAHA! I LOOVED this! Are you an Eco-warrior off the clock too? Or was this for a science paper? Either way, it's awesome how you kind of spun Mother Nature's argument on us, and I like the address at the bottom too. Nice touch. (Grammar WAS a little off, but that sort of thing can be fixed)
Hi there-
great concept!
I would consider running this through spellcheck, first of all. I would also consider changing//fixing up the tone a bit. It seems almost flippant towards the beginning. While the parantheses offer up some personality, they detract from the voice and the huge power that mother nature is. They make her seem almost childish.
I love how you expanded on the ungratefulness she feels... great job on that.
I would also break up the structure a bit- make paragraphs, make the breaks noticeable.
Also, how exactly could you have an appointment with Mother Nature? She's everywhere and is everything. I would either change this or expand on it a bit- you mention it a couple of times, and never explain or anything.
Anyways- great job. Love the concept.
-Coral-
* joyful squel*
Thanks for the reviews guys! Personally, I think the parentheses bring out Mother Nature's charecter. I love any reviews though!!! Also I added an address because I picture this being at her home ( the appointment that didn't happen). Thanks again!!!!!!
Hey Crafty, Pink here!
First of all, this is totally awesome. I love how you used mother nature's voice to write a letter to humans. It's funny and yet you sent a strong message. What you said is also true, I actually like this. Now, since Blue has already done most of the nitpicks I'm not going to bother with such things.
I was a bit confused with this part. What do you mean by appointment?
Other than that, I really don't have anything else to say. I really liked this piece and as long as you correct the little typos and everything, it's all good
*likes*
~Pink
Hahahah i reallly like this post. it made me laugh.
but what exactly do you mean by appt? just curious. you could have started it better but overall great piece
I thought this was a very good idea, and it was very entertaining to read. I do have some grammatical/spelling corrections to make for you (bold means I added something to correct the word/phrase/whatever, or else it's where I wrote a suggestion; red is where you should get rid of something), as well as a few suggestions for flow. I hope you find them helpful!