Young Writers Society

What a do, What it is. Its yo boi coming at you with a review.

Your poem has deep and meaningful words. I can really tell that you put your heart and soul into to this poem while you were writing it. I really enjoyed reading it.

Although your poem was really good, you still had some problems in it.

The problems that I found was that you didn't capitalize the first letter when you were starting the beginning of the sentence. I also noticed that none of your I's were capitalized. There is nothing wrong with that, but to prevent this in the future from other reviewers I suggest that you do that. (Not trying to be mean in anyway possible way) Also, I want to tell you that you should never start a sentence with "but" or "and". Those to words are only used to separate two conjoining sentences, and they should never be used at the beginning of a sentence.

Besides all that, I still say that your poem was well written. You had a lot of imagery in what you wrote, and you had a lot of figurative language in it. I think that your poem kinda sounded like an excerpt from a story. I feel like it could be transformed into a story if you feel like it, but it is your choice.(Again. That was just what I thought)

Anyway, you don't have to worry about anything that I wrote in this review. Maybe you meant to do all the stuff that I thought was a problem. Who knows(not me). I hope to read more of your poems or other material in the future. Keep up the good work!

~Namjoon~

Radrook here a once again to offer some suggestions.
Apologies if i offend. It isn’t my intention.
Please feel full free to cast aside all things you deem not helpful.
But if you do be sure its true by being extra careful.

That having been said:

Thanks for sharing this poem about how hard it might seem sometimes to believe in all the promises that we find in the Bible such as promises of a new world where death will be no more.


The poem focuses on the difficulty of believing in the promise of a resurrection where we might hope to be reunited with people e lost to death. it does a good job in conveying the longing, the doubt sad the bitterness that the reader feels. So if indeed that is its purpose it definitely succeeded in my case.

The visual imagery of the first stanza creates the somber mood by describing a decrepit abandoned church and a cobblestoned rode leading to it upon which the mourner kneels in desperation. Spelling God as god caught my attention because it says something about how the speaker feels about the concept of a biblical God. Also, the speaker describes himself as a sickened soul which made indicates a belief in a biblical teaching. Made me ponder about exactly how the speaker feels towards religion since it sets op a certain contradiction. On the one had a strong uncertainty about the resurrection and on the other hand what appears to be a reference to an immortal soul.

God is described as responding to the speaker's sorrow by describing the need for dying. The process of death is compared to having God step on a person's neck and suffocating him. It seems to describe a god bereft of goodness or benevolence towards mankind and who has a sadistic nature.

The speaker nevertheless tells us that the message he feels he received might have been merely an illusion and that perhaps he is destined to never reunite with those he lost to death. Seems to feel more disposed to doubt than to believe.

The poem itself is skillfully composed using many visual images and demonstrates that the writer has a solid command of language and is very skilled in its usage. The lack of punctuation is a stylistic choice, so there is nothing that I can say since it did not disrupt the flow nor the sense. All in all a very thought-provoking read.

Suggestions

Some expressions are vague:

....to the rain clouds
....beyond the rainclouds

The above made me pause to ponder whether this was on purpose. Did the poet mean that he shouted to the rain clouds or beyond them others? Or did the poet mean to both near and distant rainclouds?

The sun felt nauseous? So the sun is being personified as feeling sick in relation to the situation? Or is the poet saying that the sun nauseates him?

Firstly this is your first poem that I have read.As i scroll down to see the titles of ur other works i find that it seems that all your works debate in between realism n idealism, facts n fancies, existence of God and absence of God.That is why it seems that you have mastered this art theme and too is reflected in this poem.The things are not crystal clear that what all took place but this dimness is the most appealing factor of this poem.The speaker is depressed by the dead of one or more family members and within that turmoil commits suicide.While one part believes in life after deaths n celebrates the reunion with other previously dead acquaintances the other is rational and says that all will be lost including his or her best friend. THERES big question if the speaker actually died or not.its a great n grey piece of work.

hi, i'm londone, here to review your work.

This piece was very well written, and I sincerely enjoyed it. Though I'm not religious, (and it's a possibility that you're not either, my intention is not to assume things that might be untrue) it spoke to me. This seems to be your story of an internal struggle; believing in a higher power, and the higher power hurt you, or in your words--

he crushed my neck with the weight of his mighty foot.