Young Writers Society

'Ello, it's Cello!

OKAY WOW! This is the first poem I've read in awhile with punctuation. Do you know how nice it is to have to periods and commas for once? Everything flowed so nicely and the emotion came across far better than it would have if you left the work punctuation-less.

Honestly, this poem was pretty flawless. I have one, maybe two things to point out, then I'll be one my way to leave you to your beautiful writing.

shattered?

lost?

broken?

no.

she was ripped

and torn until

she couldn't breath.

shattered across the floor

"you don't know what it feels like." she said.

Hi there~ Here to review as requested.

I like how you've played with the structure. It works well in certain areas, like when the narrator is talking about their brokenness, because it creates a kind of image on the page that allows the reader to make a ... visual connect? I do think, though, that nearing the end of the poem, the line-breaks make the flow sluggish as opposed to portraying the haphazardness of hysteria, when it's impossible to comprehend anything and all the events seem to run into each other. In this case, to echo confusion, maybe you could get rid of the one-word line breaks and fiddle with enjambment?

I also feel like some of the images are pretty bland and don't contribute much to the visual imagery that could make the narrator + the narrator's pain more poignant and emotionally stirring. The diction implying that the narrator is like paper (words like 'ripped') and the image of 'ashes' are ones that I've seen a lot in poetry and it doesn't really affect me in a new way. It's hard to empathise with the narrator when we don't really get to feel her emotions running through the poem; play with poetic elements like symbolism and metaphors to get your point across? Try to focus less on the structure--it's important, yeah, but it should act as more of a rampart for the poem (something to contain it and give it strength) as opposed to becoming the poem itself. To be honest, the line that really managed to make some sort of connection with me was the last one, because it is a summation of what you want to say. You just need to find a way to say it without being blunt, without repeating yourself in a series of 'i am broken's. I'd like to see you re-write this, to perhaps focus on a snapshot and expand the ideas you mean to convey from there, or even find a new way to convey the idea of brokenness.

I hope this wasn't too harsh. PM me if you have any questions.

Keep writing! Keep up the good work!

Cheers,

~Pomp c:

Hello Sunset101,

Very impressive the way you described her emotions, there is a progressive intensity along the poem that alllows the reader to realise just how much this girl feels on the edge. You have a really good control over words.

Congratulations and I hope to see more of your work!

Great poem! Full of intensity and reality!

Great poem! Full of intensity and reality!

Hi Sunset101! Great poem, I thought. There are just a few things that made it feel less real to me. The way you used the word "shattered" twice, made it kind of repetitive, but it didn't totally take away from what you were trying to capture. Especially since, unless I am interpreting it wrong (very possible), you were saying that they might have known what it felt like to be "shattered" or "lost" or "broken", but then you were saying that the girl wasn't just shattered, she was ripped and torn and...shattered. Do you see what I mean? It's not that big of a deal, but I just thought you might want to know how to enhance the emotional quantity and quality of your poem. Also, I don't necessarily think that the "she said" was needed, at the end. If you had left it with "you don't know what it feels like" it would have given a more mysterious or heavy ending, instead of the current ending which threw me off a little bit.

Overall, the poem had a great flow to it. A lot of poems I read have that feeling that makes you second guess what you thought it meant, but not this one. I felt like I completely understood what was going on the whole time. I know that some people like to really load up on the metaphors and confusing stuff, but a simpler poem like this was really refreshing and it was exactly what I needed to read! Well done with the wording, and with the paragraph formatting. I really liked how some of the lines were indented, or italicized, or just normal. It made it feel deeper and made the emotions take up a bigger space in the reader's mind and heart, so great choice on that.

Hope this was helpful for you!
~Caterpickle

Really interesting...

oh my god. this is stunning. i love it~