If anybody read the other part which was posted in Other this is pretty much the same thing, except it's longer. =) I know it needs a lot of work still... Feedback is appreciated!! Thanks!
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Eddie sat up in bed; he was just awoken from the deepest sleep he’d ever been in. The room was pitch-black; it was the middle of the night. The weirdest thing was he was full awake, not one hint of sleep left. There was nothing that he could see that would have awaked him.
His eyes slowly adjusted to the darkness that seemed to swallow him for some time until he noticed a soft glowing that covered the walls and his bed. He looked around the room to find the source of the soft glow; he couldn’t find anything that would be the source.
Then he noticed something just as strange as the no-source-glow. One corner of his room was dark, even with the glow it was the darkest. He got up out of bed and walked to the corner. Most people would be afraid and run away but Eddie didn’t, he was just curious.
It felt weird, getting up. It was like he was loosing something very important. He gasped and looked back at the bed. His body lay there, cold and silent and not breathing. He looked away from his dead body and started towards the corner.
The glow followed him and he noticed that he was the source of the glow. How could he have not of noticed it before? That’s just creepy, Eddie though, but then again, isn’t everything?
He stopped a few inches in front of the darkness. Slowly he put his arm out as if he would touch the darkness. Something grabbed his wrist. What he saw sent a shot of adrenaline through him. A skeleton hand that was pallor had taken a hold of him.
His eyes went wide and panic went through him. The hand had come off of it’s embracer and now clung to this wrist. He backed away from the darkness, fearing for his life…if he had a life to fear for.
A dark cloaked figure walked up to him, the only features that really stood out was it’s face and hands, which were as pale as the hand that still clung to him, and they eyes which were a beady green.
“Let me take that back,” it said. It didn’t really seem to actually say it; it just was in Eddie’s head.
He…or she, Eddie was tired of calling it ‘it’, came closer and held Eddie’s arm which the hand was still attached to. One by one, the…creature pried a finger off. Once he had the hand back, he stuck it back in its place where it belonged; on his left arm.
“Now, to business, I’m the Grim Reaper, as you may have noticed,” it said, speaking inside Eddie’s head instead of out loud. “And you are dead.” The Grim Reaper announced it like it was nothing.
Eddie’s life was everything to him. But he accepted it, his death. He knew it was time for he was seventy-eight years old and it was time for him to leave this world and move on.
“Okay,” Eddie said, “Yes, I haven’t failed to realize that I am dead.”
The Grim Reaper seemed surprised that Eddie wasn’t arguing that Eddie wasn’t dead. Most new ghosts would have argued against it, especially teen ghosts, even with the evidence, their dead body right in front of them.
“Then let us be on our way,” the Grim Reaper said and starting to walk towards the dark corner that Eddie dreaded. But he knew to follow even though Grim didn’t mention it.
He seemed to float rather than walk but that was perfectly fine with him because he hated the way he walked – slowly and painfully. When he was at least half an inch away from the darkness he was sucked into it.
When he landed, he wasn’t sure where he was. One thing he knew though, was that the Grim Reaper was gone. The lights were so bright he had to shield his eyes. But eventually his eyes got used to the lights and he could see his surroundings.
The first thought that came to him was ‘I’m in heaven.’ And he was correct but wasn’t the Grim Reaper for taking people to other direction, not to Heaven?
There were clouds that were pink, orange, and gold – the colors of the sunset. There were angels with beautiful, white wings and halos here and there. It was the most beautiful place ever.
Right in front of him was gates with a huge cursive ‘H’ on them.
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Sunny,
Hello! I don’t think we’ve ever met - but welcome to YWS (: Your review, though:
I think that Nutty covered the grammar issues, so I won’t be repeating her. Here I just wanted to say that those two first sentences, both with semicolons, look very odd. Cut one of the semicolons?
And - yes, yes, still grammar, I guess, but I’ll stop soon. A lot of your sentences start with a pronoun (he, I, she, it, etc.). Try varying the beginnings a little more c: Also, there is a lot of talk of how the action is taking place - a narrating. With that done, I think that now you can focus more on painting the text. Adding interesting descriptions, etc.
As to the story itself - I found the idea very interesting. Nutty said it’s original, and I fully agree. But you left a little cliffhanger at the end, didn’t you?
Cheers,
Esme
Full awake seems awkward. Fully awake? Completely awake? Wide awake? Alert?
Awaken. And while this sentence works, it would be more effective if you showed us, rather then told us. For example;
Eddie let his eyes roam over the familiar room, searching for what had disturbed his slumber, but saw nothing out of place.
Or something better, that's just rough. You get what I mean, though?
Try saying this aloud. To me it sounds like a bit of a mouthful, and could be rearranged to make it flow better. For instance:
The time ticked by as his eyes gradually adjusted to the swallowing darkness. Eventually he noticed a soft glow that crept along the walls, falling across his bed.
Again, rough, but more organized.
Source is used twice in the same sentence. Try changing the wording to add variety.
One corner is always going to be the darkest, so this sentence doesn't really have the impact you're looking for. Try something like "One corner of his room was dark, as if the eerie light feared to venture into the blackness"
aha. I'm sure you can think of something better
Show, don't tell. "Eddie was aware that maybe he should be afraid, but overwhelming curiosity defeated the cowardly voice in his mind, telling him to run."
I'm not too good at coming up with good examples, lol!
Losing
Okay, first of all. Noticed doesn't really fit in the first sentence. Personally, I would replace it with 'realized'.
And the the last bit, "isn't everything?" is a tad vague. Maybe add a few more words. "then again, isn't everything since I woke up?" or whatever.
I had to think about what you meant here. Kudos to you for the originality of the description, but it could be clearer.
'Its'. Apostrophes only come into its when it's short for it is. "It's dead" and "its head." any other word and apostrophes are also used for possessions. i.e "The beast's head was shot. It's dead, and it left its treasure."
and "its embracer" sounds like it came off someone who was hugging it. Try re-wording.
Hehe. I liked this line.
Again, show, not tell.
Try putting some emotion here. I would be terrified, confused, and under the circumstances, maybe even relieved. Show us how Eddie felt.
Hmm, interesting. Obviously I don't know how he works in your 'universe', but often the reaper is neutral, being only the harvester and guide of souls. I will have to keep reading
I'm not sure if this is a proper ending to this section, but it feels unfinished to me. But I will wait and see, you may have not finished it yet
Overall, I found this interesting. A lot more original then a lot of Fantasy, which is great
Be sure to PM me when you write more, I would be glad to read it