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Divine Intervention: Chapter Six

by Sujana

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

I called him Da Baba.

Life became a bit less monochrome when he came about, with his magic tricks and his gifts. We made more paper stars for the new jar, filling them with phrases and sayings he fancied—the ones he liked too much to give away, he crunched up in his hands, turning them into stars. He’d shoot it up into the sky, then, leaving an eternal mark in history.

“Do you believe in ghosts?” He asked, one night.

I shrugged. “Xin Baba (what I called my real father to avoid confusion) tells me stories about ghosts, to scare me. But I don’t think they’re real. Are they?”

“Oh, very.” He jumped onto the window sill, crouching on it. I sat on the floor, nesting on my crossed arms, looking up where his finger was pointing. “Have you ever wondered what the stars are doing up there, in the sky?”

I shrugged. “I always thought that they were just flying people who watch over us at night.”

He chuckled a bit, running his fingers over my hair. “Perhaps. In all actuality, I don’t know what they’re doing there. A pleasant mistake, you could say. While crafting the Sun, I realized that I’d cut up scrap residue from it. I put it away somewhere to burn out, but while doing so I realized something had occurred—their material existence had burnt out, but their light failed to do so. It travelled through galaxies to reach you, here, tonight, knowing well that their maker had long died. But you don’t remember them for what they were, when they were alive; you remember them from what you see. Their spirits, their ghosts. Their legacy.” He crunched up a paper star, letting it burn in his hand, then waving it in my face. “Your legacy, now.”

He flicked it up into the sky, pushing it further and further back into the abyss of space. I turned to him. “Where did it go?”

“Into the history books.” He smirked. “When its light reaches us, you’ll be looking down on it from the clouds of heaven.”

“Sounds pleasant.”

He nodded, looking down at the street. He froze. A dark blue car drove by the house, parking near the store. A stout, dark haired white man in a suit emerged from the drivers’ seat, followed by a black man stuffing a note inside his suit. The shining man jumped back into the attic, shutting the window close when the two men looked up.

“What’s going on?” I asked, trying to open the windows again. His hold was too tight; it wouldn’t budge. “Who were those two men? Baba, stop, you’re scaring me.”

He turned to me, his eyes blindingly bright. I drew away, adjusting from the light. He sighed. “Kale, I need you to listen to me.” He dimmed himself, sitting me onto the mattress. “Those two men are—they’re not very nice people. Now, they look like people, but they actually aren’t. They’re demons, hidden under people skin. Like what I did a few nights before. It’s a neat little trick that every divine being can do, but only I can do it repeatedly; their bodies, or what we call vessels, are permanent until they finish the mission they were sent here to do.”

“What mission?”

He opened his mouth, and then closed it again. He pointed up to the ceiling with his two index fingers, and redirected to me. “They’re here to—well, frankly, they’re here to get rid of me. And since they can’t physically hurt me, they’re here to cut me off from Earth by…hurting those who can talk to me. And right now, you’re that lucky person.” He smiled, awkwardly. “Yay?”

I raised a brow. “What are they going to do, then?”

“Oh, not much,” He chuckled nervously. “Probably just throw you off a cliff or eat your limbs. Nothing too devastating.”

I winced, sinking into the mattress. “My limbs?”

“Yes, it’s a very messy process, but definitely not as gory as what their bosses are going to do to your body. If there’s anything left, that is.” He chewed on his bottom lip, shuddering at the thought. “It resembles many ghost stories, I know, but I’ve been unfortunate enough to watch the process go as it is. If you’d like, though, I could get rid of them for you--”

“I don’t want to get eaten alive.”

The shining man smiled. “I wouldn’t, either.” He crept to the window, opening it just slightly. “Wait right here, and don’t look.” He disintegrated into tiny dust particles, then, slipping past the gap and into the narrow road outside.

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541 Reviews

Points: 370
Reviews: 541

Sun Mar 05, 2017 4:44 pm
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Lauren2010 wrote a review...

Sacred! You can imagine my delight when I was scrolling through the green room and found SO MANY NEW CHAPTERS. So much delight!

I've looked ahead to the next chapter before writing this review (I know, how dare I) and it looks like we're going to proceed through this long scene of the demons coming for Kale in multiple perspectives. This is an interesting choice, and I'll wait to comment on it until the scene is finished. I feel like it will do a lot to up the tension in this scene, but I wonder how disjointed it will read as compared to the same scene from one single perspective. We'll see! I'm all for new storytelling techniques.

One of the things that stuck out to me about this section, as compared to other Kale sections, is that this one doesn't read as if adult Kale is telling the story to someone. Obviously, in the "telling the story to someone" narrative you can depart from that oral storytelling style to a more conventional narrative like this. However, having Kale tell this story from adulthood allows you to insert retrospect which is hugely helpful when you have a child narrator or something unbelievable happening like you do here. This is the first time I've felt really disconnected from Kale as a character in one of his perspective chapters. What does he remember thinking in these moments? He's just been told demons are coming for his life, but since he's an adult and hasn't died it's clear he survived. So you have a really interesting opportunity to dig into how young Kale is processing his role as speaker-to-God OR into adult Kale's perspective on the beginning of this journey.

All that rambling to say, I felt really far away from Kale in this chapter where I didn't in previous chapters from his childhood. I think the storytelling aspect of earlier perspective chapters would help bring me closer to his character here.

Otherwise, I don't have much else to say about this chapter! I wonder if there's a way to extend these smaller moments to make them feel like they have an arc of their own, even though these chapters are all part of the longer scene of the demons coming for Kale.

Can't wait to read more! Keep writing~


Lauren2010 says...

It's possible I mistook this for *child* Kale again? But it's an older adult Kale? A Kale at some point prior to the first time we meet him in chapter one? This is perhaps something to clarify in future drafts.

CaptainJack says...

elliot told you should be thanking someone for her being here
thank you lauren for being a second fan

Sujana says...

heavens to betsy im so sorry i havent replied to either of you now let me compensate with a very long reply that involves several thank yous in the form of funny cat gifs

Spoiler! :

and for u elizabeth

Spoiler! :

a summary of this book for literally everybody

now let me elaborate in the most elaborate way possible to be elaborated

hi lauren, this chapter involves young Kale Nei Li being scared into submission by his somewhat scary and abusive father the Lord of the Cosmos (he's trying really hard okay) and the next chapter involves kale nei li's dad (who also fits the vague description of the chosen victim, ie Asian, White Hair--the description never mentioned an age) being killed by demons

i should probably elaborate now because this'll be an important plot point that the woman who greeted the demons is not kale's mom, in fact it's god in disguise as kale's mom (kale's mom would've been able to tell that adri and pax were demons, thus god had to go to plan b).

also hi liz to answer your question kale is an incompetent buffoon and he only develops to become a less incompetent buffoon by the end of the story. while he gets to have his character arc eventually, he's mostly carried away by a wave of other much more dynamic characters until he's finally done with everybody's ****. which doesn't come until the ending so heeey

thank you you two you really didn't need to but i love you for it anyway cheers cheers hip hip hooray *melts into puddle of joy*

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737 Reviews

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Mon Feb 27, 2017 4:57 pm
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CaptainJack wrote a review...

Hello there Sacredlege, my dear ex-husband who I wasn't even aware I was married to until the divorce came up and the cats are still in limbo just so you know. It's just lizzy dropping by on this wonderful morning, so without a further ado, let the murdering begin. Oh did I say murder, I meant marriage, no wait reviewing.

Since you've posted a new chapter of the one and only novel I've had the pleasure of following, I'll forgive the mass posting thing. Because sweet jesus, like the prodigal son, I have returned to reviewing because of this chapter. (or you know at least until I finish out these five reviews and then sink back into a whole.) The story is picking up in a mighty fine and interesting place so let's get on with this before I go back to a depressing state.

First person Nei Li?
It's an interesting way to tell it from considering (I believe he's still pretty young at this point) you know the state of mind of the character. But I guess believing in demons is pretty easy to do at this point if you're chill with god chilling in your room every night. So I know that the switching of point of views has been a hot topic for your novel and I do have mixed feelings on it. I see the advantages of switching (and I can't judge you because I have like 50 povs) but I can see where amidst a big battle, that would get confusing. (i mean this is end of the world stuff, i'm guessing you'll eventually run into a big fight scene.)

And if I remember correctly, this first person retelling is because he's speaking to a psychiatrist or something. I might not be thinking about that correctly but his explanations and claims of god and demons, would certainly land him a position in the nut house. (yes I may be planning to use a lot of weird, slightly american, really specific to my area slang today but this one was pretty common)

I'm certainly beginning to like this character more and more, so don't make him into a complete asshole by the end of the story, it would be in very poor taste. I'm still getting the underdog hero vibe but I doubt the character could actually stand up to a demon in a fight. Prophets may speak the word of god but in the ring, they're more like um what was the bible story I'm trying to think of? Never mind that, we'll get back to it at the bottom of this review.

The Story of the Stars
God almighty God, do you always have to lay a claim to science when they're trying to disprove you? I actually quite like the ideas of stars and their lights and dying out was a mistake. Like "Yeah I was trying to do this one thing without realizing about chain reactions so all this other shit happened and now we have billions and billions of stars". At least that's the way it played back to my still somewhat normal mind. I like the little stories here and there in the middle of things because it gives the break from, you know, the impeding doom of being tortured to death, split open and dumped into the pits of hell. Good job kid.

Other Important Things
I'm still questioning god here and the name choices and a lot of other things but let's focus on god's need to communicate better with children and the names. I'm still confused about who the f*** would name their kid Kale. It's like they were asking for him to get kidnapped by demons and tortured down in the hot place for all of eternity. Maybe you talked about this before and I forgot, but explain it to me one more time dear.

God also wtf like that's not what you tell kids to calm down. Don't blatantly say "Oh yeah those guys are going to cut your innards out while you're still alive." I like this god because he is so blatant and quite possibly the worst person to deal with this situation. And by telling the kid to just look away, can only mean one thing, the kid is going to look. And god is going to do some really bad things so I can see the whole lead up to 'massive amounts of childhood issues'. Or maybe this character will listen, I really don't know at this point and I'm just trying to form all of my thoughts into comments and throw in some recommendations to make this a review.

Other Not So Important Things
Yeah guess that's all I have for this one so I'll just pick right back up where I stopped on the next review. Didn't actually ever get to the slang so I'll have to use my material on the chapter as well. I'm going to leave you with a fun youtube video so have a nice night/day/mid-day/whatever the hell time it is.
Good day and good luck with future endeavors.
The Queen of Everything Including Some Book Clubs

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"I wish we could all get along like we used to in middle school... I wish I could bake a cake filled with rainbows and smiles and everyone would eat and be happy..."
— Unnamed Girl from "Mean Girls"