Published March 31, 2017
I am normal
Or so they think
Inside I feel
Paper-thin
Sure, I may have friends
Or so they think
Inside i feel
Like leaving them
Why?
Why are the horrors of the world
Fluttering towards
Eager to torture me
Can't i get just a moment
Of blissful rest
Before my torture
Starts anew
I am bound
Bound by shackles
No matter where I go
I must always return
I plaster on fake smiles
Just to impress them
Inside I really feel
Like showing them
I play along
In their charades and games
What they don't know
I'll make them feel pain
I may be meek
But they don't know me
I really have more
More than they think
Even the ones i trusted
Spies they have to be?
I can't talk to anyone
Anymore that I see
Why?
Why are the horrors of the world
Fluttering towards me
Eager to torture me
But indeed
Little they know
My disguise
Is all they see
And all that i will show
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140,506 Literary Works • 673,262 Reviews
Hey.
So, I'll point out a couple of little nitpicks here and there, and hopefully this review will help you some!
Nothing really wrong with this, just capitalize "I" in this line. I noticed numerous other uncapitalized "I"(s) throughout the poem, but I don't see the need into pointing them all out! As long as you notice them, they can be easily fixed. I understand that some poems go in the form of no capitalization whatsoever, but in this case its different.
You had this same phrase later in your poem. I'd just add "me" at the end of the second line, since that was what was there in the second phrase of this. I believe it also makes more sense with "me".
Simple, kind of picky note, would be to add a period at the end of this poem here. It always is nice to end it completely, not leaving the words kind of hanging on the edge.
Another completely optional suggestion would be to chop this whole poem into multiple stanzas. This poem would work either way - like this layout, or in stanzas. I kind of like it in this format, since you are spilling out the words with every line, no breaks needed. I think this poem would be nice in either format. And though the layout is very important to a poem, this piece is one of those exceptions where it seems it could work in multiple ways. I just encourage you to experiment with the format in future poems, as well, since it really affects and emphasizes words!
I noticed that towards the second half of the poem you began to rhyme. Now, there's no real problem with this, but I did see any rhyming in the beginning of the poem? I don't want to make you feel obliged in adding rhyme. Just wanted to point out this and am wondering if the rhyme later in the poem was actually intentional? I'd be surprised if it wasn't! I just seem to prefer, when it comes to rhyming, to have it throughout the poem.
Speaking of rhyming, it was actually pretty good towards the end! It didn't seem forced, which I usually believe happens to a lot of people when it comes to writing - they push the rhyming words in with the rest of the poem, even if it doesn't make complete sense.
Anyway, nice writing! Hopefully this helped you a bit, and continue writing, because all you'll do is improve, I'm sure!
~BlueSunset
Thanks a lot for the review. The stanzas don't seem to work on YWS, unless you upload a document, or a picture of some type. I actually didn't notice I was rhyming, but it was unintentional. All your suggestions will be taken, and I will fix everything ASAP!
Good good. I felt like the main idea is expressed very well thoughojt this, just a few minir changes that I would suggest.
Keep up the great work!
Punctuation: at the beggining of every line, you want to capitalize the word ex.
My disguise
Is all they see
And all that I will show
Also, when using the letter I as a word I needs to be capitalized ex.
Inside I feel pain
Instead of
inside i feel pain
It makes it easier rto read, and looks more profesional in the end. It can be grueling to try to work out those kinks, but it will be worthwhile to have that done, it will also make the piece run much more slithery when trying to read it.
Altogether, I like the idea and the depth this is howling, and I think that this is gold
Thank you so much! I just wanted to write out my thoughts, so I'm surprised you liked it. I will fix the capitalization ASAP.