Published August 18, 2011
Smiling, you toyed with my heart-
Now- like a toy- it’s broken.
Don’t pretend you’re sorry,
You only deceive yourself.
I looked right into your eyes-
Admiring the color of the sea;
You looked right into my eyes-
Admiring your own reflection.
You don’t have to pretend-
I don’t know how to hate you.
If you have any respect for me-
At least be honest about it.
Have you ever been honest?
Was it always nothing but lies?
Why do you insist on lying?
You only deceive yourself.
I’m leaving now- for good.
I just loved you too much.
My tear hits the pond, and you blur,
It calms, but your cheek is still moist.
Don’t you cry over me,
Narcissus.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,050 Literary Works • 672,402 Reviews
I really liked it Blue! The beggining was catching and was very good, but i didn't really get the end.
The flow of the words didn't really work. But it was still a great poem and I really really liked it!
Hey, Blue! Here as requested.
Wow, Blue! This really did justice to the myth! There were very very few things that I think need to be tweaked. Your rhythm is perfect- the poem flows so effortlessly you hardly notice it. You really draw the reader in as well. However, the vocabularly wasn't particularly interesting, and it sometimes seemed like I was reading the same thing over and over again.
Overall, excellent job! I wouldn't be surprised to see this feautured. Keep writing!
Amazing!! This poem is wonderful, I have absolutely no nitpicks. It all flowed well, it made sense, it had enough emotion, enough imagery. It was just, brilliant, wonderful. Great job!!
Hi there! Lets begin shall we.
The metaphor you used in this first stanza was very fitting if not perfect because, toys are played with and toys break. This also hints at your opposer's child like nature which was also very good, taking into account that children barely know the first thing when it comes to relationships.
This is by far my favourate stanza throughout the poem. I like how you give her an aura of selfishness and pride, whilst crowning yourself with purity and innocence.
This was beautiful too, the way you show how lack of knowledge is what love is all about because, if we know to much about everything especially our partners flaws and, how to hate, then all our relationships would be predestined for failure. Although the last two lines of this stanza bugged me a bit, mainly because it was so unclear. So a little more clarity would do just fine.
I take it all the questions you asked in this stanza were rhetorical because, if they were not; you would have put yourself in a very wavering doubtful position, which would be devastating to you're surety and strength as a narrator.
These last two stanzas were very emotional and equally effective and, for that, I applaud you. The imagery was really good along with the concept, even though the whole "I love you too much" thing is not completely original; I still liked it given the part it had to play in your piece.
All in all I really liked your poem. Keep up the good work man!
//Abyss.
Oh wow. Seriously good!
First paragraph, second line: it should be 'just like a toy'.
I love the second paragraph! Very orignal.
Now, all the other paragraphs excluding 3 and 4, we could actually feel it and place ourselves in the place of the character. 3 and 4, I was just reading it. Also, they were filled with questions. We want the answers, the feeling. If you give us the answer, in our head automatically, the questions the narrartor asks will be formed. (I hope that makes any sense xD)
So, show, don't tell.
Also, so parts you rhymed. Some you didn't. You need to be constant on you're type of poetry - rhmyes or not?
So, yeah, other than that I really like it ^^~
Keep writing!
And let me know when you post another poem!
-JT