Published July 18, 2011
Reality saved my life, opening my eyes in a quake.
Reality killed my dreams, leaving me weak and awake.
I never wanted to die- but I no longer wanted to live.
My mind fell asleep to a dream, but reality forced me to leave.
I was left alone in the real world, alone and scared.
I felt trapped and choked by it, and no one ever cared.
Blue shadows were uniting around me, dancing in craze.
I turned and ran, but the shadows were there, I was lost in the maze.
The world is grey, the world is dull, a ruin of black and white.
No mercy for the weak, no star in an endless night.
We are all alone and helpless in the waiting dark.
In our dreams we are together, reality is stark.
Embrace pain to your heart, and the pain will go away.
Hide from pain and fear, and they shall always stay.
Let go of conscience, abandon guilt, they just multiply.
If you don’t care, you can be bad without a need to lie.
Dreams saved my life, giving me something to hold.
Reality killed my dreams, leaving me alone and cold.
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139,050 Literary Works • 672,402 Reviews
Hello! Im here for nitpicks that majorly deal in punctuation, capitalization, and spelling!!! anything other than that is a suggestion to help the piece flow.
Here are the nitpicks (the quote will have no modifications if I found nothing wrong):
I believe that that is it! when I quoted, it ended up showing up twice, bu I think that I fixed it. Overall, nice poem, and I really enjoyed it. So, good job, good work, and good luck in future writing!
----LostMagi
Hello, SubjectBlue! I thought this poem was really good, and a good concept too. My favorite stanza was the fourth. I also liked how you kept things sensible- reality as opposed to always dreams and hopes. I think you lost your rhyme and rhythm a few times- some people have already pointed that out. Also, you should pick a definitive rhyme scheme as opposed to a selective rhyme scheme. I think it would make the flow of the poem much better.
Good work!
Well, I certainly liked this piece; the thing about your writing is that it reminds me a lot of my writing, well, the pieces I would never dare show anyone. I do have a lot of comments though, so I might as well start.
Great opening, really I mean it, I just feel like quake and awake sound as if you are trying a little to hard to make a rhyme.Okay the first line our of these two, you are going to think I am crazy but I have actually used that in one of my works before, nothing on this website so please don't feel as if I'm suggesting that you stole it or anything, I am just making a point to show how similar our writing style is, thats all. As for the second line, I am in love with it, truly, I cant think of anything else to convey how much I love it other than to say I love it.
I really like the idea in this line, I just don't think it flows very well so I was thinking something along the lines of "I turned and ran, but the shadows remained there, leaving me lost in their maze." Just an idea, you don't have to go with it.
Again, it feels like you are trying really hard to make a rhyme.
All in all, amazing poem, I think the end could be a little but more powerful but you have an amazing writing ability.
~SnowBerry
WHOA! That was quite daring, I would say. I mean, you need a lot of courage to feel and write that way. Its Realistic, that's what it is. You have actually brought out the way most of the people think, but are afraid to feel that way. Amazing work. Something that strikes a chord in the heart of the reader. Love it!
Wow. I thought it was a powerful poem. I liked it all.. a lot. I liked the rhyming and just the poem itself. There was a lot of emotion and DARK, dark emotion in there that was let out through the words that chill your skin as you read. And that's what you want. The only thing is, where you say "shall" towards the end, I think that '"Will" would be better. Only because the "shall" seems a little forced. But also in that stanza you sound very...mature and as if you were telling someone as the wisest of them all type thing. Either way, I liked it.
--Hayley
Ps: If you need someone to talk to about anything sometimes someone you don't know is always good. And especially another poetic person. But this could just be a poem.. Because the dark-er ones are the best! Also.. If you need someone to critique anything I'm there! Either way if you need something you can message me or pm me me or anything!
Great poem! Keep writing, it's an amazing talent!
AHH! I love this <3
Sometimes everyone feels like reality crushes them..
My friend would LOVE this!!
Wow! I think this is the best poem I've read in my life. It's true, I believe you're very talented. Do use it in the sake of good.
I was wondering.What did you mean by:
but reality forced me to leave.
Is it (leave) or (live)?
I think I'm going to take a copy of your poem and read it every now and then - if you don't mind of course.
You should try not to use a word twice in a stanza, unless it's a really long stanza or a key word.
Doesn't quite make sense with that middle part of 'but the shadows were there' it might look better as 'I turned and ran, but the shadows followed, leaving me lost in a maze', but even that doesn't seem really good. See if you can thing of a better way to say it.
This doesn't make much sense... Wouldn't you be escaping from reality in your dreams?
I really like this stanza.
This might be better worded as, 'But reality killed them all, leaving me alone and cold.'
I really liked it! Your flow was pretty good and definitely helped by the rhyming. It was also a pretty good word structure and most of it made sense the way you wrote it.
Great job.
Keep writing,
Alzora
Wow! I loved this, it was worded so perfectly and I could relate to it so much. The only comment I have is your line,
This didn't really fit, it was too long. And when you said the shadows were there it sounds too casual for the rest of the poem. So, you might want to change that, but other than that and the comments already written, I loved it! GoodI am not much of a poet myself, but I do say that this is amazing.
You described things so effortlessly. I know it probably took a lot of rewriting, but what I mean is that you didn't hold back. You described the feelings so abstractly, yet I knew exactly what you were talking about.
I don't know what else to say, but this is one of my favorites. It flows so naturally, and the word usage is top-notch. My not being a poet doesn't help much with the poetry stuff. :P
Keep writing, I can't wait to hear more!
Nice work!
Perhaps it sound better if you moved the comma back. But mostly it's because it doesn't fit the rhyme structure that the rest of the poem has: since the rhyming is done in pairs, and the third and this fourth line don't match.The rhyming is good, and you haven't just used a bunch of generic words for it. I love the way you ended it, repeating words from the beginning without copying the whole lines. It gives it a nice, finished sense, relating itself back to the beginning.
For the most part it flows very well, however in some parts your rhythm just seems a little off. The last line of the first verse throws it out.
Again in the second verse it looses it's rhythm. On the third line.
Personally I think this would sound better if you changed it to: 'Blue shadows uniting around me, dancing in a craze.' It just helps the flow. The pause in this line is too late compared to the rest of the poem.
Same again in the third verse second line.
But aside from those few minor things, this is beautiful, I loved it!
Hiya!
This is a pretty interesting poem. I really like the beginning and how you contradict what reality really is, that part made me think a bit. What is reality? Did it kill my dreams or make me aware that life is not wonderful? So, I like the topic that you presented there.
I think that the poem's progression was really neat. How it told us two views of reality and then slowly showing us that really, there is only one: Reality kill dreams. I also like how you wrapped up the poem with the last two lines. That made the poem feel complete and finished.
The rhyming was pretty good, most of the time it flowed well and didn't sound forced. But, there is one line where it seemed a bit strange:
I get what you mean there, but 'weak' and 'awake' doesn't really match each other. I'd choose another adjective that backs up the first adjective or at least expand on it. Rather than something that comes a bit out of the blue. But that's just my opinion.
Overall, very well written. I don't have much of a critique on this. Keep it up!
*Clapping*
Brilliant!!
You are a very gifted writer! It's easy to read, i love the rhyming and
you seem to find the perfect words to rhyme with which is not always easy! I think you did a great job!
I'm really looking forward to reading more material from you!