Come to me at night and tell me it was for nothing
Flail and break my soul at your will
Come to me at night and tell me it was for nothing
My soul will remain forever yours, still.
Come. I will find you in the silent darkness,
I will not fail you, I will find you. I will see.
Come. I will take your hand through the darkness,
I will be your salvation if you'll let me be.
Come to me at night and break my heart,
But come; don't leave me behind with hope.
Come to me at night and take my heart,
Take it; it's too much pain for me to cope.
Come to me once, walk through the shadows,
It's safe; I will always show you the way.
Come to me once, sail through the shadows,
I will be your beacon; I will light your bay.
Come to me, come and break the silence,
I'm waiting for you- lonely, scared and cold.
Don't let me shiver. I beg you- Break the silence,
I need you to release me, come and break my hold.
Come to me at night and tell me it was for nothing,
Come before the dawn, before I can see you leave.
Come to me at night and tell me it was for nothing,
I wish you could take more, but I have nothing left to give.
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125,017 Literary Works • 672,850 Reviews
Hey SubjectBlue.
Very interesting poem you have here. The punctuation is good as far as I can tell, and the rhyming is okay (but some places sound a bit forced).
I agree with the above post. The syllables in each line are inconsistent, which created a pretty big problem for me the first time I read it. It is important that the lines should be closed in length or syllable-number, becuase the poem is more likely to flow better., (Especially with a normal format like this).
And I wanted more imagery. Even though the subject was pretty deep, the words were mostly monotone, making the poem a bit boring. Adding some good voice and imagery may help with that.
That's it from me.
I like it. Perhaps because its similar to how I'm feeling? Not sure if that's a good thing D:. The repetition gets annoying sometimes but it's not unbearable. I feel like it's a little drawn out and longer than it needs to be. When I write a poem I often try to describe a complex feeling with as little words as possible. Also it's void of details. There's few compelling imagery and other literary devices. Try to stick to something (for example night imagery; stars, city lights, moons, stuff like that) that you can really create a certain ambiance and aroma around the reader. Also like wewinwelose said it seems you put too much thought into this and not enough just passion. It's not bad it's just...average? I don't know. Try to work on taking big ideas into small sentences and making those sentences shine in your night sky.
This poem was really good, and I don't see much wrong with the punctuation either, which is one of the things I'm normally all over poets about. I'm not sure about the repetition honestly....It's good and fine in some places, but it is off and awkward sounding in others. Maybe you should stick to one or two (but probably one...) line that repeats a few times, and not try to repeat every stanza. It's not bad the way it is, it just sounds awkward and forced. The rhyme is very good, and the meter is almost perfect, but it is off in a few places, so try reading it through a few times, and maybe even counting syllables (I know, it's a horrific task for a poet...), because it actually does help some times.
. Goodluck!
I like my poetry to come naturally, and I almost never revise or even think about syllables, but when you're writing something that has more than 4-6 syllables per line, you really have to make sure they match. You've done a great job here, all you can really do now is take out the nitpicky little things and make it perfect. Try to deepen the emotional range a bit more by using a broader vocabulary (which is just writer's slang for "bigger words") and try to put in more imagery. What EXACTLY was taken? Why does this person really keep visiting you? Is there a deeper meaning to all of this? Is this person even real, or is it figurative? Who, what, why, how? If you've answered all of those, then it's perfect