Cage

Hey Subjectblue,

I loved your rhyming! You have no grammar or spelling mistakes as far as I can see. There was one rhyme I really loved.

The grim walls are thick,
The tower is so high,
A finger of Marble-
Scratching the sky.

Its really good.

Well, Thats all I have to say!

PM me or post on my if you have any questions!

-Boo

A very well written poem. I am basically in the room with the poor king.
Just one small bone to pick;

The King seats

I think that this should be 'The King sits'

Other than that, this is a very well written poem. You have the makings of a great poet!

Hey SubjectBlue, let's see what you've got here!

General impression

I think this poem is about the "cage" of other peoples' expectations. You've chosen a King, whose job (in a Fantasy setting, at least) would literally lock him up in the public eye, and I think that's very good! I like how you describe the crown using words that we wouldn't normally associate with crowns ("iron, cold, heavy") and I think this really supports the feel you're trying to give.

Rhyming

Now I am actually quite a fan of rhyme, but only if it doesn't make your narrative sound like an impression of Jedi Master Yoda! Unfortunately, that's always a danger as you try to twist your sentences into conforming!

Shackled is the throne

The palace is of stone,
The cage is of gold

Can you see what I mean? The natural order of words in speech has vanished -- nobody would *actually* place verbs like that in real conversation! I'm not saying that you should make this poem sound like a conversation with your friends, but it would definitely help if you looked at the rhymes and decided, with your judgement, which ones are awkward and need to be rethought.

Rhythm

First stanza: 5 syllables per line
Second stanza: starts with 5 syllables but breaks down
Third stanza: all 5 syllables except the first line

...

You don't need me to count out all of these -- I'm sure you can do that yourself! But you see my point. The first stanza of your poem is beautifully ordered, the rhythm and stress work together to make the sound of the poem just *feel* right. And then, after that, it seems you forget what you were doing and the rhythm breaks down. See if you can bring back the regularity -- it'll make a nice counterpoint to the much less regular idea you are trying to portray!

Imagery

"Bars of bone" is a lovely metaphor! I like the mainly monosyllabic narrative -- that makes it feel glum and gloomy, which I imagine is exactly how your King is feeling at the time of this poem! Again, I'd like to compliment your unorthodox description of the crown -- that's nice to read.

But I'd like to ask about the last line: "The shackles of his mind." What's going on here?

Perhaps it's because I've got my analysis wrong, but it seems like you write a good poem about how the King can't be free because he's King, and then you end it with some waffle that doesn't really seem to reinforce that! I would have thought it was the shackles of his society, or the shackles of his subjects, but "his mind" seems a bit neither here nor there. I'm sure you can think up a better last line than that -- remember, this is likely to be the main thing a reader will remember from a poem, so make it a good one!

Also:

He thinks about freedom.

If you imply it well enough, you don't actually have to explicitly *tell* the reader your point. In fact, the reader will much prefer it if they have to work it out a little -- you give them more satisfaction that way. Plus, kingdom/freedom? That rhyme sucks! Maybe see if you can find a less blatant way of saying what you're saying.

Overall

I really do like this poem. It's made me think differently about how we consider people in power, and that's a very good thing for a poet! As I've said above, you would be doing yourself a disservice if you didn't tighten up the rhythm and rhymes of this piece -- you could make it sound so natural! And, yeah, almost as an afterthought, keep up the monosyllabism as well! (If that's even a word!)


Charlie