Young Writers Society

'ello there, SubSub!

I wasn't sure if this painting in here was an actual, real-life one, so I actually looked it up. I didn't find it! But I did find a lovely old work called Pais Street; Rainy Day... I'm not sure if that had anything to do this, but I'm just throwing it out there lol.

You open this piece with descriptions of the painting, which is super awesome. I thought I was in Paris for a second. I like how there is a cyclist and a fat man with a mustache, and the Eiffel tower looming over them all. But I did think the descriptions were a little too straightforward and dull. Since this is a painting, I can totally understand why that's so, but it might help to add some color. Tell me more about the boy and girl on the bicycle: what they're wearing, what they look like - what's unique about them? Try to make the descriptions unique. Is the woman 80 or 30? Is man's hat just "red" or could it be a deep, wine red. Are those loaves of bread in that fat man's cart hot from the oven?
Since this short story revolves around this painting, I do think it's important to give the reader a beautiful picture of what, well, this picture looks like. :p

And one other thing on that: it might be best to clear up the exact location of everything. I'm not sure where the boy is riding his bicycle or where the fat man is pushing his cart.

Paris was beautiful at night.
A man with a red beanie waited just outside the doorway of a small cafe.

Paul shifted to look at the man just behind his elbow. His pointer finger dropped from where it had rested so long on his lips and helped the rest of his hand straighten his tie, which seemed to be hanging from his neck at an angle again. He didn't dare touch his hair for fear of mussing it. He'd slathered it with enough gel to cement this painting to the gallery wall. He was sure it hadn't moved a millimeter and he didn't want that to change. He'd do best to leave his hands where they were, crossed against his chest now.

"Mr. Carson, paintings are always quiet. If you want noise, you've come to the wrong place. May I suggest a French opera house?"

This was such a great story!!!! I really liked the concept and the way that you introduced the painting as the setting at first. The imagery is amazing, and I could really picture what the painting would've looked like.

My favorite lined was "That's about as loud as an art gallery will get. So loud that you can almost hear it." I've never thought about this before. It's really cool to look at paintings, but the best ones really are the ones that don't just show you a place, but take you there. This was a really great theme and I like the way you incorporated it.

There were a couple minor grammar mistakes, for example. the second sentence did not begin with a capital letter and one question ended with a period instead of a question mark. Aside from that, the writing was great and the word choice was excellent. I learned a new word today: mussing, so thank you for that!


I have a couple suggestions that I think will help the piece flow a little better. Firstly, when the painting is described in the first paragraph, you introduce each character by beginning with the word "A"; I think that changing the sentence structure around a little might make the characters seem more intriguing, for example : "There was a women..".


I would also suggest describing the Eiffel Tower's shadow as being long rather then large, just because that's the word that's typically used.


There were a few lines that I would've written a little differently just for the sake of condensing it a little. I think this line:"A fat man with a giant smile and an even bigger mustache pushed a cart of breads down the sidewalk. At least it looked like he was going to. For the moment he was still." might read better as something like "A smiled as he pushed his cart, or at least appeared to; for the moment he was still."


Also "The bike didn't move forward, but it didn't fall with the weight of gravity. The woman at the bookstore tirelessly held up her hand as she waited for the taxi that seemed to be parked not very far from where she stood. It was silent too. Much too silent for a night in one of Earth's greatest cities." could be changed to "The bike wasn't moving, nor did it fall. The women at the bookstore waved tirelessly at a taxi, which was frozen not far from where she stood. Everything was silent, much to quiet for a night in one of the world's greatest cities."

Of course, these suggestions are not necessarily right, as all writers have there own unique style and I applaud your great storytelling ability. I look forward to reading more of your work in the future. Amazing job on this story!