12+ Mature Content

War Orphans: Chapter 1

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War Orphans

Chapter 1

I sat alone by the dark wooden fence, staring out between the boards. A guard stood watch, protecting the walls from runaways. Contrary to most fences and gates around here, it was designed to keep us in, rather than keep others out.

More of us lined the walls, or sat in the middle, talking to each other. There were few adults, maybe five or six. The rest were children, mainly younger than me. Most looked to be between the ages of six and ten years of age, with a few teenagers and toddlers as well. One boy about my age, fifteen, could be found in the corner of the area, holding a little girl. Maybe five or six. A sister, daughter, friend? Another girl slightly younger than me sat crying by the fence, clearly pregnant with a child. I knew what had probably happened to her. The one thing every girl my age worries about when they live on the streets.

Other people, distinguished by the weapons they carry in plain sight, chatted in their own groups. These were soldiers, members of the military who had been sent here, to Lumber Wood’s biggest prison. They glared at us like we were nothing, the scum of the Earth, the lowest of the low. Having only been here a few hours at most, I already knew they put their weapons in plain view for an intimidation factor. See, the law was that prisoners couldn’t be killed by soldiers unless they were trying to kill the soldier. But this law didn’t protect us from being abused and mistreated and even neglected of basic needs.

I continued to look out through the crack when a vibrating pain shot through the back of my head. “Gaww!” I growled, placing my hand over the spot in pain. Quickly I turned around to see what was happening. One soldier, dark hair, brown eyes, scrappy clothes, and a sword stood before me. He held a bag that had been woven together with super thin laces of wood and bark.

On the ground behind me, there sat a green fruit. “Eat up!” the guard chanted. I looked at him in disgust. Maybe refusing to eat would get on his nerves.

After a few seconds of no response, the guard kneeled down and placed his hand on my shoulder. “Such a fine young lady needs to eat to keep her strength up.”

I continued my disgusted glare. Then, pushing his hand off my body, I growled, “Don’t touch me!”

He slapped me right in the face with all his might. “Don’t give me attitude. You’re new here so I’ll lay it out real simple. You are the dirt under my feet, all y’all. You’re so low that we aren’t even required to feed you. Now, I’d take advantage of every opportunity for food you get from now on. You don’t have to eat, but wasn’t that the entire reason you came? You were caught stealing food?”

I continued to glare at him and finally, when he got out of my face, I picked up the green apple and took a bite out of it. The soldier walked away and I continued to eat. I had never been in prison before so I had no idea what it was like. All I know is that the Porgal prisons are a lot different from the rest of the world because of how poor the countries are. It also doesn’t help that we were at war.

After about half of the apple was gone, I hid it under my light brown cloak. I knew saving it would help me to feed my two companions once I got out of there.

Soon, a soldier began clapping his hands and shouting his demands. “Now, get back to your cells!” Most of the inmates followed the orders quietly. I did too. Soldiers went to use force against those who didn’t move after a few seconds. The mainly sword wielding soldiers drew their weapons, giving the rebellious prisoners persuasion before forcing them by threat to move.

All the inmates headed toward a large, wooden building. We entered through a hole in the wall. There was no door, just a large opening. Inside the building, there were metal cages that lined the walls. Each one was incredibly small, large enough for about four or so people to sleep on the ground. A bucket sat in the corner of each of them. We all knew why.

Inmates began to leave the herd for their assigned cage. The cages, known as cells, were the same that wild animals would be confined in. I kept walking until I finally found the cage I had been assigned to. Fearfully I entered my cell and stood in the corner, waiting to meet the people I would spend this lovely sentence with.

Quickly a little girl ran in, six maybe, followed by an older boy. They were the same two I had noticed earlier during our time outside. We stood in silence for a few moments until we heard the clanging sound of metal pounding together. Soldiers went by each cell, counting the number of inmates inside, then slamming the door shut. As our turn came, I could see the little girl, who had her back to the door, tear up when she knew that clanging sound was ours. The boy put his hand on her shoulder, and she turned around to hug him.

After the soldiers had finished counting the inmates and closing the doors, they walked out through the hole in the wall. They would exit the fence as well, then walk up wooden stairs on the other side of the building to get to their rooms. Naturally, a few would guard the outside, in the event that one of us escaped.

I looked at the small girl, then to the older boy. “So, I’m Chilam,” I introduced. “It’s good to meet you.” I held out my hand for them to shake, my other hand behind my back. I found it hard to look at him, so I avoided his eye contact.

The boy gently pushed the little child off him and shook my hand. “I’m Sky.” He patted the little girl’s back and said, “And this is my little sister, Mayly.”

I waved at the little girl and mouthed the word “hi”. She shoved her face into her brother’s side, avoiding eye contact with me. Sky looked at me and smiled, the first one I’d seen in that place. “She’s kinda shy. Come on Mayly, talk to her.”

I kneeled down to her size and spoke. “Mayly. What a beautiful name. Were you by chance named after the princess?”

The little girl looked at me and nodded. “Yeah. Princess Mayz of Harmania.”

“Well that’s pretty cool,” I stated, then put my hand just above her head and over, wanting her to give me a high five. After she slapped it down, I stood up and looked Sky in the eyes. “So why’re you two here?”

“Thievery,” Sky answered with that one simple word.

“Food?” I asked.

“Yeah. It’s been pretty tough since my dad died,” he answered, very opened. He looked down for a moment, then looked back up. “So whats a pretty little thing like you doing in here?”

My face fell, almost angry to hear the same thing from two men in one day. “Same as you.”

“So, you liking your stay at our lovely Prison Inn?” he asked, probably trying to bring humor into the situation.

I decided to play along with this young man’s attempt to lighten the mood. “Yes. It’s the best inn I’ve ever stayed at. Well, considering I’ve never stayed at one before, I guess its the best and the worst.”

Mayly’s stomach growled and her face sunk. I remembered the apple I had only half eaten. Kneeling down, I reached and grabbed it out of my cloak’s inside pocket. Then I held it out to her. “You hungry?”

She nodded and looked the green fruit up and down for a few seconds before quickly snatching it away. She shoved it down her gullet with only a few large bites. “How old are you?” I asked.

“Six,” she said, holding out her hands and showed me with her fingers. “And Sky is eighteen!” she stated cheerfully. She yawned as soon as she finished the last sentence.

“Are you tired?” I asked. She nodded and I looked around the cell again. In the corner, there was a set of four red blankets and four pillows. “Are you ready for bed?” She nodded.

Sky walked over and grabbed her a pillow and a blanket. She layed down on the ground by the wall, with the pillow. Sky then put the blanket over her and tucked her in. Us two walked over to the other side of the cage to sit.

Because there were no lights, all the light came from the hole that led outside. Since it was beginning to get dark, it was fairly dim. She seemed to fall right asleep.

Sky and me sat beside each other farther from her, speaking in whispers. He started the conversation. “Don’t you hate those stupid soldiers, keeping us locked up in here!”

I looked at him. “Yeah. If only this stupid war would just end! Then the economy would rise the people would be able to eat.”

“If only the king would just surrender. Then everything would be back to normal. We all know who’s fault it is anyway.”

I looked down. “But he just has his foolish pride. That’s all he has.” Sky looked at me.

“There are so many orphans in Bann because of it. And I bet there are just as many in Harmania too,” Sky said.

I looked him straight in the face, almost with a glare.“Don’t pity those stupid Harmanians! It’s their fault we’re in this mess. If they hadn’t killed our parents, then we wouldn’t have to steal food and we’d never be in prison!”

“Well, maybe that’s how it was with you,” the young man said, “but I never met my mother and my father died in the plague.”

“Oh,” I whispered, “I’m sorry. I just assumed they were killed.”

“No. It’s okay.” We stayed silent for a few seconds. Sky reached for the small pocket on his baby blue polo shirt. It was dirty and torn, and the top button on his chest was missing.

“Why do you do that?” I asked him, curious of his habit.

“They took all my cigarettes when I came, but I still have that habit of reaching for one. I know they won’t be there, so why do I reach? I don’t know.”

“You smoke?” I asked, questioning who this man really was. He nodded. “But what about food? How do you afford it? You know how expensive it is.”

“Yeah. That’s why I steal them. I ain’t gonna pay three coins a pop. Are you crazy?”

I was in silent awe. How could he steal things he didn’t even need when he was already orphaned and had to steal to get the things he did need? Was he some kind of snobby rich kid or something? “How could you? Mayly relies on you to keep her alive, and you’re wasting your time stealing tobacco, something only the middle and higher classes get to enjoy?”

“Well, if you put it like that I sound like a bad person. But believe me. When it comes to my little sister, I would quit in an instant if the situation called for it.”

I glared at him. “Don’t you think this situation calls for it? You’re in prison because of your stealing. Is that what you were stealing when you got caught? How could you put Mayly in that kind of situation?”

Sky looked at me. “Chilam, isn’t it? You can’t tell me how to live my life and what is best for my little sister. I love her to death. You could never experience the kind of love I have for her!”

I gave him an angry look. “Oh, I can’t?” My mind was now ready for an argument. “Try me. I had two sisters, a mother, and a father, not to mention really good friends. Now all I have is my little sister and my best friend’s little brother and I would do anything to protect them. That’s why I’m here. I told the soldiers to take me instead of her!” He looked angry at me as well. “So don’t tell me I don’t know what that kind of love feels like. The only difference from us is that I know what it feels like to lose that love.”

We both remained silent for a few seconds, staring at each other until Sky broke our gaze. He walked toward the blankets and pillows and grabbed one for himself. I did the same and we both laid down. He laid by Mayly and I settled a few feet away from him on the other side of the cell. All I could think about was my little sister and how much I hoped she was alright without me.

Comments & reviews · 5
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User avatar
Linguistic
Review

~I'll start this review on what I thought was good in your story.

First off, I absolutely love the idea! You've created an exciting dystopian world, and thrown us right into the middle of it! I always enjoy stories like this, which is why I selected it.

I also like all the background information at the beginning. You still left some things out--which is good! Don't wanna throw a cold bucket of info on us right away--so we can still inquire about the surroundings.

It's refreshing that we can clearly infer that she's female. Most often, I plow through a first chapter, constantly wondering if the character is a girl or boy. You did a good hob of saying it without saying it!

I love how unique the names are so far. I've never heard anything like them.

~Now for the not so good things:

I noticed frol the beginning that your word choice isn't very strong. Don't worry, I absolutely struggle with this, too, so it's normal. I find that the best way to inprove on this is to--wait for it--read. Good stories have great words.

I've actually begun to read the dictionary. Believe me, it's helping!

I'd also like to know what the characters look like. You give slim to none detail on that, and it's tiring trying to guess their images.

In the beginning few paragraphs, you use the word "maybe" a bit too much. I suggest changing some of them to something like "probably", "most likely", or "perhaps".

Along with the character detail, there is also poor setting details. I. Want. To. Know. What. The. Area. Around. Them. Looks. Like

In the sentence: "...bag that had been woven together with siper thin..."

Super thin? Really?

Get rid of the "super", please :)

~And that's about it! Sorry if this was a tad long!

But over all, I greatly enjoyed this story, and hope to read following chapters. Happy writing!

User avatar
Lefty
Review
Lefty wrote a review · Sat Jul 19, 2014 8:20 pm

Hey, there! Lefty here to finally review. :)

I really like this and will definitely keep an eye out for chapter two. I like the idea that all these people are in prison, but aren't necessarily bad people. Some of them only did what they did to survive. I'm really curious to see if they escape and if they do, I'm really looking forward to that chapter because I'm sure it will be a ton of fun!

I like Chilam and thought you did a decent amount of character development on her in the first chapter, especially at the end. I was happy to find out how exactly she got in jail. Nice world building too.

Sky intrigues me and I'm curious to see where his character goes.

You have excellent grammar, your sentences flow nicely and I was able to picture everything very clearly. Very nice writing. Good job!

A couple things I wanted to point out... Personal preferences really...

I continued to look out through the crack when a vibrating pain shot through the back of my head.

At first I assumed that someone had zapped her with something, but later got the impression that she was poked with the solders sword. If so, I didn't really feel like "vibrating" was the right word. Maybe "stabbing"?

"Six," she said, holding out her hands and showed me with her fingers.

This sounded a little odd to me. It could easily be fixed by changing "showed" to "showing" or "...she said. Holding out her hands, she showed me with her fingers."

That's really all I have to say for typos, personal preferences, etc... Yay!

When you said it was the best and the worst place she'd stayed in, because she'd only been to one, I thought that was really cool. A really neat and completely true way of looking at it. *applauds*

I really like this story idea and it actually gave me an idea of my own! Nice job! Like I said before, I'll definitely keep an eye out for chapter two! Welcome to the site!

Thank you very much. I'm one of those writers who like to start with very little planning and then clean it up later, so after starting chapter two, I think I decided I really want to start the story at an earlier point and add this chapter in later, so the next chapter may take a while. The part where she felt the pain in her head, I was trying to imply that she had been hit in the head by the apple, as if the soldier had thrown it at her head. Thanks for the review! :)

User avatar
gia2505
Review

Hey Stripeslife!
This is great and I can't wait to read more. I noticed a couple of spelling and grammar errors, particularly punctuation. The main solution is just to carefully read through your work. There were also a couple of times where the tense didn't seem right but I noticed that Lucia covered most of it so I won't repeat it.
There is one part that says: “So, I’m Chilam,” I introduced. “It’s awesome to meet you.” This is good but I personally think she wouldn't be as enthusiastic about meeting the people who would suffer in prison with her.
Other than that, this was awesome. The story has been really well thought out and my favourite part would have to be: 'I continued my disgusted glare. Then, pushing his hand off my body, I growled, “Don’t touch me!”'
I think this is good because she's in prison, she shouldn't be kind to him and I think you did an amazing job at conveying her emotions. I'll be keeping an eye out for any chapters to come.
Great job. Keep writing. :)

~Gia2505 a.k.a Your friendly neighbourhood Freak~

User avatar
Lucia
Review
Lucia wrote a review · Wed Jul 16, 2014 5:23 am

This sounds really good! The story seems well thought through and realistic in a dark way. Chilam's thoughts, words and actions are perfectly in sync with her emotions. Her bitterness, commiseration, and anger flow into each other so well! Here and there, you managed to slip in little notes about her past, which is something I've always struggled doing, so good job!

Your work needs just a little bit of polishing for punctuation. I can't remember where, so you will have to scour the work. :)

You have at least one sentence that conflicts with another.

"One boy about my age, fifteen, could be found in the corner of the area, holding a little girl." You repeated Sky's age in this next sentence.
"Quickly a little girl ran in, six maybe, followed by an older boy about my age. They were the same two I had noticed earlier during our time outside."

"I knew saving it would be the best thing for me and the two I have on the outside."
I think that in this sentence, you should be more clear about the fact that "two" refers to people and not, for example, frogs or mice.
Don't forget to watch out for past/present/future tense. For example: "A bucket sat in the corner of each of them. We all know why." It should probably be "We all knew why."

Overall, I think you did a great job! You kept me glued to the screen the whole time, and I can't wait to read what happens next.
Keep me posted, and keep writing!!!

P.S. Welcome to YWS! :)

Thanks a whole lot!

You're welcome!



Half the work that is done in this world is to make things appear what they are not.
— Elias Root Beadle