As they told me,
black and sudden,
a spider appeared on the wall.
I leapt up,
trembling.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,016 Literary Works • 672,851 Reviews
I agree with what With or Without You said, that the title is good as is, and it's very mysterious, but I think you could definitely expand successfully. Add a few more stanza's, and have maybe one actually be about death ,besides the whole 'black and sudden' thing. I think of death when I read that line and I LOVE it! I might ask you if I can borrow it sometime o.o haha, kidding.
So, I love the poem, and I love the title, and I love the imagery, but you should keep it going. I'm not going to say you need to, because you could leave the poem as is, but I think writing more would be a very good idea.
kthnxbai <3 Nutty
Hi
Well done
I think i understand where you are coming from and why the title is as it is. I like it that way, it leaves more to the imaginary of the reader with a mysterious feeling about it.
The problem is i want to read more. I think just one more sudden line could end it well, and going by this you certainly have the capability to do that.
Overall, it's really great and you definately have talent, just work on what relation your poem will have to the reading and what effect you are trying to create.
x
Much as I love short, descriptive poems, I have to concur- you haven't given us quite enough at the end. But you're pretty close.
Spoiler
In contrast to the well-meaning review above, I'm pretty damn positive you're talking about your grandfather with this line. I do like this as a beginning, the vague nature of the line is easily overcome (even without the title, in my opinion) and it already conveys ideas of tragedy. The word "they" is immediately ominous- it suggests that what "they" have to say could not have been said alone.
It is interesting that while I read the poem, I automatically tagged the second line as a response to the first. Yet after separating the first line from the poem to write the comment above, it now occurs to me that the second line is as much a preface to the third as it is a response to the second. I'm going to have to give you more credit for that line then I originally thought. I feel like the punctuation should change to reflect the double meaning however. Perhaps,
As they told me -
Black and sudden,
A spider appeared on the wall
It's your call really.
While I love your first three lines, I feel as if the last two represent a missed opportunity. There is a great sense of immediacy about this poem, but even more remarkable is its interdependence. This is where these two lines fall short- I am sold on the connection between the bad news and the omen of the spider, but I am not happy with how the spider connects to your reaction of leaping up. I thought that if the spider had been the one to leap, or if your movements reflected each other in some way that there would be enough of a connection here to finish off the poem. Consider:
A spider appeared on the wall
The both of us trembling,
As I leapt into space.
I'm not sure how exactly I feel about that example, especially the two lines I would have beginning with "As". But I suggest that this poem has two options; rewrite, or rewrite and expand. There's another stanza (at least) here, you'd probably start the same and end the same and fill more in between, or put more scenery before this stanza begins. But remember to keep your wonderfully narrow focus the same here. It's that single mindedness which depicts the writer's mindset beautifully and which captures the reader.
Hi Stripes! I'm Hawkie and I'll be reviewing you today.
Why is your poem called "Granddad Dying?" There's nothing about a granddad in it, or death. Just a spider on the wall. While it's perfectly okay to write about a spider on the wall (I wish more people would write about mundane things, actually, instead of big ideas), your title needs to go with your poem.
As who told you? Why did they tell you? How did they know there was going to be a spider on the wall? Again, doesn't make much sense.
^ My favorite line! The imagery is very strong; nice work.
Anyway! Expand on this! You've got some talent! Just give your poems titles that are a bit more relevant.
Keep writing!
-Hawks-
This feels like the first stanza of a longer poem.
A very good first stanza; I love the imagery, it flows well. But the problem is, I want to read more. I don't get the full picture from these few lines.
Don't get me wrong, I love them, I really do. But it could be so much more.
Keep writing!
~Amy