“You stupid whore!” Isaiah called out, stopping in the middle of the empty hall, watching Nana stride away.
She never turned to face him, only continued to walk away without a care in the word. With a lazy wave over her shoulder she disappeared into an intersecting hall, and he was left with only the echo of his voice.
“Some strong words for a guy who doesn’t know her,” someone said behind him.
He shifted to look at the speaker and saw Miguel leaning against the wall with a smirk. His hair was spiked up, and his pants sagged down to show a great portion of his boxers.
Isaiah laughed, “I don’t know her? I went out with her for a year, and yet I don’t know her? What kind of bullshit is this?”
“You don’t know her,” he repeated, then laughed. “You may know her happy side, wanting to party and shop. Wanting to be with you and with her friends, but other than that what do you know?”
“Everything.”
“Like what?” He ran a hand over his lips, “Howshe loves the color silver? That chick-flicks get on her nerves, and she leaves a light on in the hall because she’s afraid of the dark? How she has a punching bag downstairs to get rid of stress before she hurts someone? She’s moved many times in her lifetime, and she no longer lives with her parents? Do you know anything about who she really is?”
Isaiah ran a hand through his hair, using all of his self-control to keep from punching Miguel. Thinking about and answer for a moment, he realized something. “I know that she hates you. Do you know that?”
“You don’t know her!” Miguel was now getting angry, he approached Isaiah and stopped inches from his face. “Why is it she hates me? You have no idea! Why is she the way she is? Again, you don’t know.”
Isaiah stared him in the eyes, “Why?”
Miguel pushed past him in the same direction as Nana and just before he was out of earshot, he said: “Because of me.” Then he was gone.
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140,811 Literary Works • 673,693 Reviews
Heya thar! Black here for a quick review!
You do have problems though. Mainly, I would say, in your grammar, your size, and your build-up.
So let's get goin' here . . .
. A bit of work and it'll be an effortless habit of writing big chapters.
Try to make putting in important, if little, details, a habit. It's a good one to have! And it's easy to master.
First off: Great work! No, seriously, you have a great idea goin' here and you seem to have the skill and the know-how to get it somewhere. Your grammar is really pretty nice, your spelling's great, your idea seems cool (If maybe a bit unoriginal), and you have a great pacing.
Okay, so in this review I'm going to explain in detail what I mean by these things are 'wrong'. Then I'm going to try to help you fix your style so that you can get rid of them. But remember: At the day it's up to YOU to sit down and really do the work that will get you around the clock the way YOU want it.
First I think I'm going to start with your Size problem. I'll be starting with an example, following with a fix, and then generalizing - as I usually do. The problem is a simple one!
The problem is that your piece here is too small. Look at it. For goodness sakes it's a NOVEL CHAPTER. It has to be bigger than 500 words . . . HAS TO. Otherwise it doesn't count. Now as I said, you have a good pace, this means that your chapter's filler is well written and proper filler, there just isn't enough of it. You need to sit down and put in a lot more information. What happened before this? What happened after it? Not too much more, but keep your word count in the good 1500 to 5000 word range
The problem with your Build-up is that you don't really have enough. Build up is all that information and all those scenes that build the story up to the action were it is now. Obviously you could put that information in AFTER this chapter, but I'd advise you to put at least a few hints to it in now, otherwise you're going to have a very flashback-like next chapter.
Now finally for your Grammar! Your problem here is really quite simple. I'm going to give you a few examples, then I'm going to fix them for you, and then I'm going to move on and generalize from them, hoping that you will follow up on whatever it is I have to say about your style! Here goes~
Ah, okay, you probably already see the two mistakes that I've pin-pointed, but I'm going to point them out again. First off: Read it out loud to yourself (Do this all the time before you post! It'll really improve your grammar and spelling). The problems are these: 'word' should be 'world' and the 'only continued' should be 'continuing'.
The 'Howshe' should have a space. Small typo. Also, I think you're talking about 'chick-lits' . . . cuz that's what I've always heard them called.
Very, very awkward sentence here. Same problem using smooth ending words. You really need to read it out loud to yourself, ask yourself what you want the sentence to say, and then re-write it! Anyway!
That's enough for now! Good luck - You really did a great job! Follow up on my advise and you'll do quite well I think! Good luck! Oh, and one other thing: KEEP WRITING! You keep writing and you'll improve: I promise. Writers really DO live by the saying 'practice makes perfect'.
~Black~
Hello. Jordin here with a review for you (You may be wondering why I am here with a review for a work so old the reason is because it is for the knights of the green room.) Hope this helps you out some.
Umm... This does not make sense how could it echo for that long impossible.Well this was okay but it needs a squeal or something. Also you need to have it start differently than this. It started to abruptly in here.
Super good job but I have no idea what it has to do with the title.
Keep writing and good luck.
~Jon~
You kinda start in the middle of something leaving me a little lost, but defiantly wanting to read more! Can't wait till you write more... there is more right?