I felt the earth do its job and let me go.
The galaxy swallowed me whole.
The fog absorbed me.
And I fell into oblivion.
And as I am ghost,
I felt myself rise above the planets;
Far above the universe.
Watched it all crumble and burn.
Complete satisfaction.
The meaning of life?
The answer is simply this:
To die, my dear.
I realize this is pretty short, but it pretty much summed up how I felt...so it's cool.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,837 Reviews
You are completely right! It is too short, it can sum up your emotion, sure. As long as thats what you want to do, I mean to sum something up is to cut it short of its glory. Use imagery and symbolism to create a deeper poem, that can show your emotion yet not be so "shallow." I only had to read the poem once to get it, this may be only my opinion but I enjoy poetry that forces you to think and feel the emotion the poem is trying to enflict. You have a great start, its just not finished in my opinion. I love your style and can't wait to see come out, magnified! Don't be afraid to be intense and reveal your emotion dramatically in your poetry.
THANK YOU!
The poem is really cool. I like how it's deceptivley discriptive and makes you feel like your the narrator floating about looking at the burning world having this epiphany.
You're confusing me.
I am going to be the bad guy on this one. I think it is rather simple. You being you do not have the ability yet to be simple. Word choice is key for simplicity.Try either changing the scheme of things our just simply try again. I get what you wanted to say, but personally I think you should go back and bring this alive, a little oxymoron to the title if you know what I mean?
Mr. Mustard - Thank you. When I used the term "ghost", I did not mean it in a literal sense. I don't mean I'm dead. I don't mean the gravity stopped being my best friend, I mean detatched, invisible, far away (in a sense, mind you) that the fog "absorbed me" making me non-existant on planet earth any longer -- ghost.
The earth's "job" is simply stated -- to let me go. I didn't mean the gravity stopped being my best friend. Not dead. Like I mentioned, detatched. Falling into oblivion, by the way (just in case someone else asks a question) after being "absorbed"...I'm going into nothingness. Where am I? No idea, I'm floating, totally oblivious. <-- Yeah.
"In the beginning we have loss and isolation, then renewal, and then sense of satisfaction over destruction?"
Yes, sir. And here was my way of thinking at the time...I'm detatched, nothing going my way - then I'm content, watching everything from the sidelines like I'm just another face in the stands -- totally emotionless, no attachment. A miracle when you're trying not to care so much...Then I watched them all get bit by the big, bad karma. Watched their lives turn into what they had made mine. And even if it's only for a day, I have a smile on my face, completely satisfied with the way the tables have turned.
Understand a little better now? I hope. I don't mean to confuse or seem like my writing is jumpy...
Howdy Rat, I'm going to review this here poem.
First thing first, I am not a fan of telling you what to write, I will only suggest. I bother to mention this because I will almost always quote your stanzas and leave them as they are. A bit different from others, but most of them just leave thoughts there. Maybe I'm just an old fashioned classically trained phogey.
This first stanza imparts the idea of isolation and loss, of the self, by the speaker's inner conflict...but that's not clear yet, so we shall see. The first and second line are fine, though what is the earth's "job"? When it lets you go...has gravity disappeared? Are you dead? Of course this is from the speaker's experience, unless YOU are actually the speaker. Otherwise I dig it so far.
The third line strikes me as too general though. There is an assumption that fog connects to being swallowed whole and let go; is this clear to the reader? Poetry can obfuscate meaning...but this implies a meaning that may not be clear.
I am a bit bothered by the fourth line as well. Isn't this the same thing as the line before? Or rather, all of the preceding lines?
Intended punctuation in the first line? Also, ghost is a very evocative word, so does it fit here?
Hm. Do ghost rise above planets? How does an ethereal being escape oblivion? I don't quite see how the two stanzas are lining up as of now.
The third line is cool, but this idea of destruction around the speaker is sudden. This kind of trigger line is dependent on the rest of the poem, so let's see.
Hm. I can't shake the feeling that...I can't firmly decide what this poem says. There are no unified themes. Everything seems ACTION PACKED, but the substance seems all over the place. In the beginning we have loss and isolation, then renewal, and then sense of satisfaction over destruction?
The problem I see with this poem is that the use of first person narrative isn't quite used for any reason. It would seem that presenting this as a general speaking voice would better explain what you're writing here instead of objectifying it to "THE SPEAKER I". When doing this, it can help make themes more relate-able to the reader. As of now, it's the speaker's existential crisis displayed in several different aspects of existence. (I realize you put this in Dramatic Poetry of course.)
Also, I'm a little unsure of the usage of some words and symbols. The biggest one is "ghost". It doesn't quite fit.
No sweat! Length is IRRELEVANT! Word choice, technique, and style are what matters! Poetry is about rhythm, or the lack thereof; wit and yet simplicity. Poetry is what you make of it, but remember to not make it so unclear that the reader is unable to relate. I like the attitude though.
Thanks, ReadyFire & BeckFletch.
Galerius,
This is possibly the only piece of advice you gave to the writer with being nasty. But wait...I just wanted to say that I think your comments were unwarranted. You open by telling StreetRat that 'it's really not OK' that her poem is short. I think that it's 'really not OK' for someone to open like that. I thought this sight was a place of expression and learning yet you have turned it into a place were it is OK to belittle someones work because you believe that it is no good.
You also neglected to make any reference to the fact that this piece is an expression of what she was feeling at the time. What is poetry if not and expression of ones self? Does the lack of length detract from the power of ones honest expression? No.
I disagree with your argument about the rise and fall. I like the use of both. It's like it is saying that before you can reach the highest level of spirituality you first have to experience all other planes of existence. Also, why would you take the final line of that stanza to be literal? To me the line is talking about how everything the she has known is disappearing as she reaches a higher place. (oh, and I don't mean 'higher place' to literally mean a 'higher place', just so you know.)
I like your idea of using one main theme throughout the piece. It's very logical and i can see myself enjoying it greatly. However, since when does poetry HAVE to be logical? I may like your idea but that's not to say that it needs to be there. I enjoy the use of many different images and themes. It suits the piece very well, after all it is talking about transition through life and the transition from life to death. Maybe that's just my nihilistic approach to poetry though. (Did I use that word correctly. I'm not so good with big words, unlike yourself.)
In reference to your comments on the last stanza, we are led to believe her as it is a summary of what she has learnt throughout her experiences she has discussed in the body of the poem. I must be a bird, according to you, because i swallowed that worm the delicate thought that maybe that is the meaning of life. We live and we die. You can not have one without the other and both are equal in their importance. If you learn to think outside your nihilistic boundaries maybe you will be able to see the beauty in what is said. That is the one true beauty of poetry. You can draw your own connections and decide for yourself what the piece is about. Don't be so square, man.
we're back to the banter.
How hypocritical the person who dares to call the poem she is reviewing to be arrogant and pretentious when her language only inspires that thought of her in the eyes of others.
We are all budding young writers. We do not need reviews such as this to put such a damper on our effort. As a Speaker of the Forum, surely you know better then that. Google a critic sandwich, maybe you will learn something. Reviewing at any chance you get does not make you so important that you can review like this. You are young. We are all young. We all have so much to learn. Don't start to think that you know everything.
Throw this review away and start again.
Hope that helped,
BeckFletch. xx
I thought the poem was really good, gives a unique perspective. I don't know why some people have to be so critical, it's not like they have to read it. I mean, theres always something you can do to improve writing, but I don't think I've ever gotten everything perfectly. It's just making sure your satisfied with what your trying to portray, and I think you did I good job, well done poem. Its good to have an opinion and all, but I don't think you should voice it just to make someone feel bad.
Great poem and keep up the good work.
-ReadyFire
Thank you everyone for all of your comments and suggestions.
Galerius? Do you have to be so critical? Seriously? I understand that you think I should "elaborate" or whatever. Or that it's "really not" okay that it's short. What is the deal, man? And then you go to say that I should throw it away and try again? No, I will not. Can't you just have imagination or does everything have to be so black and white with you? So what if I'm one place and then another. It's a poem, not a paper for a class. Calm down, it's not a big deal. Not everything in life is supposed to make sense. Are you one of those people that have to have a meaning for EVERYTHING? Can't you just let things go and look deeper? You don't even know what it's about, and I didn't expect you to. Don't like it? Move on.
Hi StreetRat,
No, it's really not. I'm getting a bunch of haphazard descriptions with nothing to link them. Add that to a sneering nihilist philosophy devoid of any reasoning and even elaboration, and one has the making of an arrogant and pretentious poem, as we are presented with here.
So you fall and then you rise? In one moment, you're in fog and in the next moment, you're in the galactic center? Then you're outside of the universe and suddenly it's... burning?
I don't know if you're referring to the Big Crunch or something different or nothing at all, but what you've written indicates a lack of coherent thought. A bunch of random descriptions doesn't help the reader do anything but run in place. Discipline yourself. Take a theme and run with it. Don't branch of into three thousand meta-themes and try to wrap them up without an overarching structure encompassing them.
This doesn't even make sense. Why are we supposed to believe you? Because you said so? There aren't any examples nor elaboration to support your point, and then you suddenly spring this morbid philosophy upon the reader and expect him to swallow it like a bird with a worm.
Think about what you're trying to say and say it - not just in one line at the end of the poem, but in bits and pieces throughout, hints and nudges along the way. The reader wants to know why you think that death is the only meaning, and you're giving him junk. Throw this poem away and try again.
Hope that helped,
Galerius
Alright, comments are bold.
Alright. This was an amazing piece, and You need to keep writing!
~dragon
Hey StreetRat,
I love these last three lines!!First I would like to say Good Job! It's a very interesting poem. It does need some work as the others have said but I'm going to give you a few suggestions on what you could do. They're just suggestions though so feel free to use them or not!
I think this has great potential! Keep it up and, again, these are just suggestions. If you like them take it one board. If not, leave them.
Good Job!! xx
BeckFletch.
it is a very simple poem, but it captures you. I like it very much
It kind of gave a peace to dieing.
like the earth is done and i move on feel.. i really like it
you should continue your writing and keep your style. you are very ood at what you do.
Love,
Zoe Renee Smith
What kind of adjustments? - just asking.
And thank you all.
I agree with Justin.
I liked the poem, but just a few adjustments should be made.
Overall, good job
overall i enjoyed the peom but i think it needs some work. Sorry to say but thats what i think.
I love it man keep up the good work. oh and cheek out my storys and give feed back. Thanx!
Justin McLlarky
Really cool poem.
I like the simple, dreamlike style you invoke.
Don't stop, please.