I never imagined these thoughts would trouble my most internal organs.
Never guessed I'd feel this way.
When my heart bled, then bled again.
When will my heart stop bleeding?
I don't want to feel guilty for a crime I did not commit.
I wander aimlessly through the corridors of my mind,
And pray to stumble across a secret passageway past defeat.
Two dominant hands,
Pulling ferociously at my wrists.
I can't do a thing,
My head starts to spin.
So close,
So far away.
An overdose.
Find another way.
You are,
The guilt in my veins.
You are,
The name of my shame.
Your voice while knowing,
Would sound like thunder.
If you knew,
You'd sound like a hummingbird.
Time without you,
And time well-spent.
It's all about time,
And I feel like I'm wasting mine.
My heart,
Torn in sunder.
Internal violence, oh, help me.
Put me in deep slumber.
Have me feel the cold of my heart,
And the heat at my fingertips.
As I know they exist,
Yet I can't feel myself.
Slit my heart's throat.
Suffocate my lungs' lungs.
Put a numbing shot in my spine, PLEASE.
Just block the circulation to my brain.
Pull the fucking trigger.
Rip me apart with this madness.
Start from the naval,
Upwards and downwards.
Limb from limb,
Like kids pulling at a tree.
I would feel like the betrayer,
Like a butterfly destroying its beauty.
Like stepping stones with one mile in between,
I am lost in my heart's bloody sea.
Please, Mom, God, anybody, please.
I am sitting here,
Spitting up blood from my internal bloodbath,
My mass murder, my massacre.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Auteur:
I know the opening line is long, but it's how I felt.
The crime I commited, wasn't even a crime at all. It's just a guilty feeling of having a secret, so I don't want someone to put the blame on me, get it?
Thank you very much, your review wasn't so bad.
Kyllorac: You don't look at things, in-depth, do you? I suggest you start trying. "Most internal organs" means, deep down inside of me...that these thoughts were eating at my core, does that make you giggle? I hope so, because what I felt at that time, really didn't make me giggle, or even smile. So I'm glad to know that my pain made your day. Really, I am.
Where are my misspellings? I don't see any...? No, I'm pretty sure my punctuation is fine, thanks.
I'm done replying to your "questions" or just stupid shit that you feel like pointing out, so don't comment on another one of my poems, unless you actually have something nice to say, Kyllorac. I'm really just fed up.
That's... quite an opening line. As Auteur already pointed out, it's a bit long. Also, "most internal organs" just made me giggle, which, I'm pretty sure, was not the reaction you were going for. It's just that it sounds so awkward and decidedly not poetic. I suggest being a bit less literal in the future.
You had at least one misspelling, and your punctuation could use some work, especially in the first stanza. Right now, all the periods break the individual lines up, giving this poem a very choppy and jerky flow. Poetry generally follows the same rules of capitalization and punctuation as regular prose, and rewriting your poem out in prose form is a good way to check that it's grammatically correct.
Another thing you need to work on is imagery. Right now, there is almost none, the only piece being that of children tearing the limbs off the tree. As a result, this poem was boring, filled with cliche/awkward phrases, and I really didn't feel anything. Imagery allows your readers to really relate to your poem, and keeps it from being so vague that your readers don't care. Show us the extent of the pain. Give form to time and guilt. Show us the crime that was supposedly committed, and why it's so important. Right now, there's none of this clarification, and so this poem reads as generic teen angst when incorporating imagery could make it more.
Overall, I suggest you practice coming up with creative and unique imagery and describing abstract concepts so that they're no longer abstract but easy to grasp. Also, pay closer attention to your grammar and spelling.
#0000FF ">So I sort of suck at reviews(trying to get better xd) so I'll just say that I really liked this. It was a good poem, full of very raw emotion