Seraphim (We Rise)
Scattered across the stars
Like a million tiny heartbeats
Pulsating with the energy of a universe
A universe solely of our existence
A universe that’s purely ours
So take my hand
And I’ll take you there
The sands of time
Exist if you dare
There we’ll stay
Together again
There we’ll stay
Together again
The roses of the dead
Have no ill-effect
Words never said
Are unleashed upon us
With daggers of bone
And hearts of steel
They release these loathsome truths
Things we wish weren’t real
So take my hand
And I’ll take you there
The sands of time
Exist if you dare
There we’ll stay
Together again
There we’ll stay
Together again
It is here that holds answers
To all unanswered questions
It is here that holds truths
To all faithless lies
The cabaret of all unknown lies here
Drink from the chalice of knowledge
So take my hand
And I’ll take you there
The sands of time
Exist if you dare
There we’ll stay
Together again
There we’ll stay
Together again
Seraphim rule the star-struck skies
Tears of fire falling from their eyes
They cannot prevent this Earth’s demise
At moonrise Hell’s army of Fallen will rise
Before this event we shall all reprise
And this must be done before we all die
On phoenix’s wings the Seraphim fly
Retreating to the Heavens, with you and I
So take my hand
And I’ll take you there
The sands of time
Exist if you dare
There we’ll stay
Together again
There we’ll stay
Together again
So take my hand
And I’ll take you there
The sands of time
Exist if you dare
The ocean’s silent solitude
Pours into my soul’s disquietude
Peaceful again, we rise.
So please
I ask you
Just take my hand
On a side note, when you want to include an author's note, it's better to include it at the beginning/end of the piece rather than in a separate post. When people see that there's a reply to a lit thread, they assume it's a review, and so they're less likely to review your piece (since there are often other pieces with no reviews).
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That said, onto the review!
The repetition of "a universe" here was a bit much, I felt, especially since you had two of them right next to each other. I think this would work better if you cut out the second universe repetition, maybe replacing it with something else.
"Exist if you dare" sounds awkward to me. I think changing this to "To the sands of time / If you dare" sounds better and flows more smoothly. Then again, I don't have the benefit of listening to the melody...
I just had to say that I really liked this repetition.
You already have "unleashed" earlier on in the verse, so "unleash" comes across as a bit repetitive. I suggest using "release" instead.
I think that having the "the"s makes these lines flow better. It also makes them more immediately understandable.
"Reprise" is misused here. Essentially, you're saying that before this event, we must repeat, but repeat what? And why?
Overall, you had a very solid rhythm to this, and this flowed wonderfully. In addition, I liked the images you used, especially in the second verse. So good job. :D
Thank you! Now that I think about it, "there" instead of "here" sounds a lot better. And no, unfortunately I don't yet.
But my band and I hope to make one soon!
Hi there!
I really love all the imagery you use in this piece; it's memorable, and I'm intrigued to here the music behind it. Do you have a recording of it? Also in the chorus, do you mean "there we'll stay," and not "here" because you are taking this mystery person somewhere to the sands of time? Just a thought. All in all, I like the song. The lyrics are very poetic. Nice work!
For those of you who don't know what the Seraphim refers to, the Seraphim are a hierarchy of angels commonly depicted as having flaming wings (and in some cases, four faces), and are generally regarded as the highest order of angels.