Embrace
thinking of how it would feel to see you again
standing in front of me all quiet and somber
the feelings'd return from forced hibernation
I doubt they'll evaporate, ever
the warm haze, a familiar feeling
the glow and fuzz behind my face
i'd approach you with eyes glazed
wish I could die in your embrace
you'll always be that person to me
whether I stay or find another
could i go get married?
or ever really love another?
I dont know the answer
and i guess only time will tell
i can imagine being with someone else
but you still having me in your spell
if we never get back together
I cant have you in my life
'cause these feelings will not fade
they just sit waiting, deep inside
the warm haze, a familiar feeling
the glow and fuzz behind my face
i approach you with eyes glazed
wish I could die in this embrace
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey,
I appreciate your comments and suggestions. Thank you very much.
As for dying in your embrace being cliched.. I know what you mean, but this poem was inspired from thinking of seeing someone again and dying in the embrace. The first 2 stanza's really tell what I was thinking. So regardless of cliches, its really what I was trying to say.
I wasn't thinking of the reader so much, just trying to express myself. Though if you have any other suggestions or elaborations on the points you raised, I'd be interested in hearing them.
Thanks
I rather like this stanza - the alliteration of the face and fuzz works well. I like the phrase warm haze, a familar feeling. I think that it works well. I also think that the repetition of the stanza is very effective. I'm not sure about your use of rhyme, I think if you choose to use it you should probably use it more regularly, but I'm not too sure.
Nice poem, keep writing.
Well, firstly your rhyming is very forced. Rhyme can be amazing if you get it right, but it can also drag your whole poem down if you get it wrong. Maybe relax the rhyme a bit, try writing without it and see how you go.
I think this also means that you tend to rely on cliches too much. Falling back on phrases like "die in your embrace" and "only time will tell" weaken the poem unitl it becomes meaningless to the reader. We've heard all these phrases before - poetry is about the freshness.
Having said that, your ideas are solid and I think only the execution needs work. Good luck