Young Writers Society

Hello! I recently read and reviewed 12:01, and once I saw this pop up in the poetry section I couldn't resist. Very excited to review!

Well, do I really have to say that I love it? This poem delves deep into the impacts we leave on the world, death, and time. You have great imagery and references. I'm now going to go through this poem section by section.

i.
I'm not sure the molasses works so well here. I don't know why, maybe the fact that it's food? It just doesn't seem to fit into that whole artistic/intellectual reference theme you've got going here. Other than that, perfect.

ii.
The period after the quote seems unnatural. Maybe include it, so it's:

"It's better to burn out than fade away."

I don't know, could be an aesthetic thing. Maybe. But I don't see anything holding you back from finishing the though of the quote/dialogue.

iii.

Nothing needs to be fixed here. Really. My favorite lines of this one are:

However,
you won't be lying when you say
that you'll grow up someday.

The rhyme of the last two lines is simply beautiful, and I like how it ends the stanza on a positive note.

iv.

This works well. And brilliantly. Don't change a thing.

v.

I feel like the word "through" here is too strained sounding and just doesn't sound right amid all of the shorter, snappier words. I suggest changing the word "through" to the word "to" so the sounds match up.

vi.

Oh, heartbreaking. Stunning. And it perfectly tops off your poem.

Ah, beautiful, Stranger.

This is a very well written piece. I loved the ideas you presented and how you presented them; I think you made pretty okay use of imagery and you were very witty (as always). I liked how you ended with social media and the reply thing; it made the poem relatable to a lot of people.

That's where my only problem lies though, is in the ending. Well, it's not really the problem but... The ending is the only part that looks like a poem. I don't mind poems that don't rhyme, I hate it in fact when people say that a poem has to rhyme to be a poem. BUT, the poetry does have to have a rhythm, a flow. This one didn't; this might have suited some kind of weird poetry paragraph better than it does a poem - that's not an insult, it's still brilliant. I just think that maybe you could have worked more on your rhythm. The lines were consistently different lengths, and at certain points your entire focus was on the ideas and the creativity - I agree that this is the perfect way to write, but for a short story. I think that you should put more concentration into that piece, because it is excellent, and I'm very fond of most of what you said here.

The last part is the best, and I like how you made this look almost 'diary'ish. The last part gave a little personality to it, a little sass. I loved the piece Stranger, I thought it was brilliant. Forgive me for nitpicking on formatting and structure but I've often caught myself smiling at the way a poem flowed from one to line to something a couple of lines down without me realizing it was happening! I'm sure you get what I mean.

This is brilliant, I wish I'd thought of it.
Yours in ink, hoping I helped,
TS.

P.S. mostly the part I thought lacked flow was the second stanza, just in case you were wondering. Cheers!

oh my god stop o.o

You have wonderful imagery and there is a warmth and a blue feeling to these poems, you're making the reader feel the mood. The only problem I'm finding is comma placement, you're missing a few where there needs to be some. So, I'm going to go through and add some commas where I think they're needed. Other then that, these poems are lovely and very meaningful.

i.
Pondering the idea of living forever;
it's an idea soaked in molasses.
You can't want anything more,
Than watching people die,
ties cut,
and using the world as a canvas to paint a picture from the wax,
of a candle that can't melt.

ii.
"It's better to burn out than fade away".
How to do that is either,
Have a proper send off,
with fireworks and a grand expose,
Or wear off the tread of your tires,
to the point where you have to quote Neil Young in your swan song.

iii.
What's hard about immortality,
is time management.
With it,
you can't take promises to the grave,
and you can watch people either gain,
or lose hope in you and the world.
However,
you won't be lying when you say,
that you'll grow up someday.


iv.
One of many late nights,
where I send Freudian psychology,
through sloppily written messages,
on social media.

v.
When I don't respond,
for five through ten minutes at a time,
a second message is sent,
asking me if I'm okay.

vi.
Don't worry,
I won't die on you.