I wrote this for school last year, and I rather like it, though I'm not completely sure to which genre it belongs.
__________________________________________________
You used to know me.
We used to be very close.
But now, I watch from afar as you
accept the bottle from the people who call themselves your friends.
accept the pill from the stranger.
accept the false words said to you.
allow the boy to beat you black and blue.
allow the others to make choices for you.
allow the people to push me further and further away...
You probably don't remember me.
But I'm still here, and I'm what
helps you not fail.
helps you not loose hope.
helps you keep a small part of your identity.
keeps you from falling down.
keeps you from slipping away.
keeps you from loosing all control—from loosing all of me.
I'm the real you.
I'm not the you that allowed other people to create you a new identity.
I'm not the you who would change just to fit in—not the you who would make bad choices.
I'm the genuine you, and I'm still here.
You just have to find me.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,016 Literary Works • 672,851 Reviews
Hello, there!
This is interesting.
I think that you begin on solid legs, and keep it up idealistically for the most part. I'd enjoy seeing a little bit of the constant repetition cut back a little, because it grows tedious pretty easily for the reader.
Aaand, otherwise, I think it's alright! Keep writing, and thanks for sharing!
June
I like this. It has a slight element of suspense - I wanted to know who you were talking to, and who you were, and then when you revealed it, I was pleasantly surprised; you weren't who I expected you to be. I also like how you laid out the poem, it's quite different. "Loosing" should be "losing", though. I can't really find anything else wrong with the poem. I do like how it ends as well - nice and final. Good work.
I really like this, I like the layout and all. I don't see anything that I would want to change.
-Flower-
This is a nice poem. It reminds me of a lot of the stuff I'm going through. Anyway, good poem. On the third line of the first stanza I feel like there should be a colon and also the fourth line kinda interrupts the flow. Everything that follows seems to have a similar flow so that one felt awkward to me when I read it. But whatever I like it.
Thanks.
I love this.